In Search of the Golden Thread
Retirement a Psychological Journey
Photo by Jiri Mikolas
By Sterling M. Hawkins, MSW, LCSW-C, LICSW
“We are, finally, all wanderers in search of knowledge. Most of us hold the dream of becoming something better than we are, something larger, richer, in some way more important to the world and ourselves. Too often, the way taken is the wrong way, with too much emphasis on what we want to have, rather than what we wish to become.”
—- Louis L'Amour,
R E C O N C I L I A T I O N
Reconciliation for this essay will be defined as A process of making two different ideas and facts exist or be true at the same time. Entering retirement requires us to examine our place in time. It requires us to accept some changes that have been in the making for years that are irreversible. It also requires us to review possibilities within what remains unchanged and find something new. Retirement involves reconciliation and the idea that we are more than the sum of our parts. Retirement is an ending, an epilogue as well as a new beginning and can only be entered into with courage and humility. After all, it’s easy to overestimate our pre-retirement experiences, while underestimating the post-retirement challenges that lie ahead. For me, retirement involves adapting to change and discovering meaning in life. To some extent, it requires that I find people and resources that can support me through these changes.
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In 1938 researchers at the Harvard Medical School initiated a research study referred to as the Harvard Study of Adult Development, that asked participants about their lifestyles, habits, relationships, work, and happiness. The study has expanded since then to include others outside of Harvard. The study chronicles how people lived, loved, and worked in their 20s and 30s and follows their lives to see how they turned out over the following decades. This study has been regularly updated for over 80 years and contains a treasure trove of information concerning happiness and health. (Mineo 2017) Two things that are of great interest to me as I enter this phase of retirement.
While there is a lot of variation in the demographics from this study, two distinct populations have emerged. First, the best off are the “happy-well” who enjoy good physical health as well as good mental health and high life satisfaction. Second, at the other end of the spectrum are the “sad-sick” who are below average in physical health, mental health, and life satisfaction. To some extent when they were young, the happy-well senior citizens were able to accumulate and invest certain “generational wealth” that is difficult for most of us to control. Some of these include: having a happy childhood, descending from long-lived ancestors, and avoiding clinical depression. But some, investments that can be made and accumulated are under our control and these types of investments can teach us a great deal about how to plan for a late-life happy-wellness. Researchers found that we can control seven big investment decisions directly: [1] not smoking, [2] moderate drinking, [3] body weight and adequate nutrition, [4] exercise, [5] emotional resilience, [6] access to education, and [7] relationships. (Brooks 2022)
The study examines how each of these factors can influence our physical and mental health later in life. And, suggests that the best way to maximize your chances of happiness in your senior years is to pursue all seven of these goals with fervor. However, if you can choose only one put your heart into it.
As I review these findings it makes sense to me. Much of this we’ve been told all our lives. I have seen up close how smoking, excessive drinking, and living a sedentary lifestyle can ruin one’s health and late-life happiness. Therefore, I don’t focus on the things that are not a part of my present life equation or things that pose no threat to my future.
I’ve reconciled that I have a family history of cancer, heart disease, and diabetes. And, that while a few of my paternal ancestors lived well into their 90s, my maternal ancestors did not fare as well. I’ve also reconciled that I have a couple of health conditions, that require monitoring. And, that I don’t have the physical or mental capacity to live like I’m in my 30s. I would be negligent or perhaps reckless to ignore such things.
What I believe about the research is that everyone young or old can examine how they are investing in practices that will enable them to increase the likelihood that they can live in a happy-well state. The factors we have no control over under the term “generational wealth” may not be worth exploring. Particularly if you’re already in the late season of life.
One of the interesting findings resulting from this study is that the single most important trait of happy-well elders is healthy relationships. While the study is based on population averages, I find this as no surprise. When our interpersonal relationships are healthy and conflicts that jeopardize our communication and connection to others are minimal, our overall health is enhanced by the nature or quality that these relationships play in our lives. The research suggests that people who maintain a connection to others: family, friends, or work remain healthier in old age. (Brooks 2022)
Some relationships are irreparable, let’s just be honest. We will carry the wounds from those relationships where either we harmed someone emotionally or were harmed ourselves. It is important to reflect on what we have learned from these experiences and use them in ways to guard against such harms reoccurring in the future.
I have reconciled that some of my interpersonal relationships have not always been positive. As I enter retirement, I am fully aware that my future in some ways is reflected in my history. That my history has taught me what is possible when I work with what I have to resolve impediments to future success. This in essence is what it means to be human, to be fallible, vulnerable, and weak, while at the same time being fortified and strengthened by the knowledge you carry into the future that enables you to become a better person. American author and poet Mary Oliver in her poem titled “The Summer Day” gets to the heart of what confronts us when approaching the final chapters in life. In the closing lines of the poem she writes:
“I don’t know exactly what a prayer is. I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down into the grass, how to kneel down into the grass, how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields, which is what I have been doing all day. Tell me what else should I have done? Doesn’t everything die at last and too soon? Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”
Oliver asks provocative questions that force us to accept what good there is in life as we presently experience it. Life is temporary. Therefore, we must pay attention, kneel down in the grass, be blessed, and stroll through the fields whenever and wherever we find them. Even if doing so consumes our days. For the beauty of the field and those persons in it will soon disappear along with our memories of them.
I am reconnecting with some family and friends in ways that are supportive and healthy. I accept that I will not always be acknowledged or affirmed in ways that are meaningful to me. I have learned to accept what is no longer possible or irreparable and engage with people in ways to make a positive difference wherever I can. Such efforts I believe carry mutual benefit, and in the best circumstances are reciprocated.
Other concerns that exist somewhere in the middle between happy-well and sad-sick involve having enough savings to remain solvent well past retirement. And whether part-time work will generate sufficient income to support my wants without concern that this income will be sacrificed to meet essential needs.
I’ll soon be eligible to apply for Medicare and will need to decide whether to enroll in the Traditional plan or one of the many Medicare Advantage Plans. Even after careful analysis, the health insurance industry and the government’s ability to regulate prohibitive factors that limit costs and coverage to consumers is to some degree arbitrary and dependent upon a host of factors that can push me closer to or further away from a happy-well state.
“There are moments in life when we are reminded that we are unfinished, that the story we have been telling ourselves about who we are and where our life leads is yet unwritten. Such moments come most readily at the beginning of something new.” —-Maria Popova
Questions that may be helpful for retirees entering this phase may include:
What mindfulness and spiritual practices serve to guide my life and decision-making?
What established interests or preferences can I share with my partner, spouse, or close friends?
Which former co-workers and associates am I still in contact with? And, are these connections still meaningful?
What short and long-term goals have I achieved or still desire? Do any of these hold intrinsic value? And, for which of these goals am I truly hopeful, independent of others’ expectations?
Everyone loves a happy ending, especially in the story of their own life. My retirement is the beginning chapter of what I hope will be a satisfying ending. Louis L’Amour said it best — “the greatest gift anyone can give to another is the desire to know, to understand. Life is not for simply watching spectator sports, or for taking part in them; it is not for simply living from one working day to the next. Life is for delving, discovering, learning.”
Through delving, discovering, and learning you will find the golden thread and reclaim the ending to your story. As I enter this new phase I see the work that is finished and the work that lies ahead that in the end will allow me to give my greatest gift.
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References:
Brooks, Arthur C. (2022) The Seven Habits that Lead to Happiness in Old Age. Retrieved on 7 January 2024. Available at https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2022/02/happiness-age-investment/622818/.
Louis LAmour, (1989) Goodreads Education of a Wandering Man Quotes. Retrieved on 8 January 2024. Available at https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/882365-we-are-finally-all-wanderers-in-search-of-knowledge-most
Mineo, Liz (2017) Good Genes Are Nice, but Joy is Better. Retrieved on 10 January 2024. Available at https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2017/04/over-nearly-80-years-harvard-study-has-been-showing-how-to-live-a-healthy-and-happy-life/
Popova, Maria (2023) The Marginalian A Spell Against Stagnation: John O’ Donohue on Beginnings. Retrieved on 31 December 2023. Available at https://mailchi.mp/themarginalian/beginnings?e=600125deab