In Search of the Golden Thread
Retirement a Psychological Journey
Photo by Mathias Reding
By Sterling M. Hawkins, MSW, LCSW-C, LICSW
“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.”
— Anatole France
R E F O R M A T I O N
Reformation for this essay will be defined as the act or process of changing and improving something. But more than that reformation should be seen as a type of transformation. Transformation is best defined as a change in form, appearance, nature, or character. I will use these terms (reformation and transformation) synonymously to describe changes I have observed as a new retiree over the past several months and how those changes are shaping my life.
When I speak of reformation I’m referring to physical and psychological changes. Physical changes refer to my behavior, and what I feel physically when performing certain activities. Their frequency and the level of comfort or discomfort I experience when performing them. Taking a walk, preparing a meal, and reading a book are activities that I engage in. On the other hand, thoughts and emotions generated from within about my activities and associations with individuals are psychological.
Psychological changes are more complex and require a more intense effort than physical change alone. Retirement by its very nature involves physical and psychological change. What I have noticed over the past couple of months is change in 3 areas— Time, Identity, and, Autonomy. There’s an overlap between all three. Rather than give definitions I will give descriptions of how I am experiencing— Time, Identity, and Autonomy within the context of reformation.
Indigenous communities have a distinct relationship with the measurement and keeping of time. Unlike Industrialized cultures that use time as a form of control, with its emphasis on productivity and its accompanying rewards and penalties based on “clockwork” Indigenous societies function in ways consistent with their cultural beliefs. Time is often intertwined with the seasons, guiding their agricultural activities and enmeshed in the songs and stories that define their ancestry. Time is a fluid construct and serves as a story being written and re-written without interruption. In slowing down I recognize that my life is the result of an accumulation of the choices I have made over a lifetime. In essence, it is a story that I can begin to reclaim.
My morning and evening routines remain generally the same. I’m usually awake by seven and am in bed by eleven. What happens between 7:00 AM and 11:00 PM has become more discretionary. I used to exercise in the evenings, which resulted in fewer workouts because I was mentally and physically fatigued. Now I work out when possible in the morning.
When I was working full-time even when I was not out in the community, but parked on my laptop working remotely from home I felt tired and had difficulty concentrating. The sheer volume of mandatory training, documentation, emails, and phone messages requiring completion or follow-up had become untenable. Now instead of retrieving and responding to messages and completing trainings, I can devote more time to learning and performing tasks directly related to my interests.
I started learning a new software program and updating some of my digital files. I completed my part-time work schedule, and will not resume seeing clients for at least another two weeks. I went from working a 45-hour week to my new schedule which I estimate will average between 12 -15 hours each week. The remaining 25-plus hours are available for me to complete light work projects around the house, reading, writing, and conditioning for the cycling season that will begin in March. The 3 DIY home projects I wish to complete are outdoors. Therefore, at least for the winter months, these tasks are excluded from my schedule. I do however plan to revisit exploring what material possessions I own that serve neither a present nor future need. The winter months will give me time to sift through personal belongings and make decisions about what things to give away and discard. I anticipate this project will extend well into summer.
I’m involved in a Men’s group that meets one evening per week. And, a Writers’ Group that meets twice per month. Both of these groups require some preparation outside of the group to participate and engage with group members.
In addition to these activities, I belong to a couple of cycling clubs that meet weekly and ride routes varying in length from March through November. I have reading and writing goals that now have a chance of being met. These activities are all transformative.
A former co-worker and fellow retiree who attended my November retirement lunch said that in the beginning, I would have what feels like lots of time. But gradually, it will begin to fill up, and what I had in the beginning, after a while won’t feel like much at all. She said this as a warning, having been retired 6 years already and now having what she believes to be a busy yet fulfilling life.
I’m not there yet, and I plan to carefully guard what now has become a way for me to assign value to the things I do based on their importance to me and not an agency workplace.
Outside of the United States people are not as attached to their professional roles. Ask a person from Central Africa, or Central or South Asia who they are and they will probably respond by telling you things about their cultural identity, and what they like rather than things that they do. Inhabitants of highly industrialized countries like the U.S., Japan, and Germany generally, measure one’s worth, based on their education or profession. Persons who are college-educated and work in prestigious fields from less industrialized countries will see their education and work as composites of their personality. They will likely tell you about where they grew up their family of origin, their politics, places that they’ve visited or lived, and what recreational or leisure pursuits they enjoy. Social conditioning plays a huge role in how we define ourselves. And I’m often prone to answer the question— “Who are you?’ by telling others what I do.
Retirement begins with reflection. My identity and how I define myself is changing. For the present, I still identify with being a social worker, because I remain licensed to practice in this profession, and will continue working on a limited basis. However, letting go of my professional identity, and highlighting other aspects of who I am and what I enjoy doing will gradually become more important. For retirees entering the reformation phase, two questions may be helpful with the transition:
What pleases you?
What gives your life meaning?
When asking these questions I am quickly able to generate a list of people and things that are both meaningful and pleasurable. During my professional career, I have enjoyed projects that involved Service Delivery and Research and Development. In short, improving processes that enhance social and emotional well-being, communication, and accessibility to resources. I also enjoy Education and working as a mentor with others just beginning their professional journey, and the collaboration required in creating good Team Dynamics.
Additionally, I enjoy being around others who seek meaning and connection in ideas and their relationships. Those who are loyal, insightful, conscientious, and can analyze what makes things work. I am energized by those who have a clear vision of how best to serve the common good. And lastly, I enjoy working and spending time with others who are pragmatic and organize their work, their home, and their life on a set of values or traditions. In the words of Marie Kondo all of these things — spark joy.
Road cycling with a group or solo I find pleasurable. I enjoy live music, the arts, learning folklore, reading, writing, and listening to short stories. . . These are a few of my favorite activities.
I’ve also learned to appreciate sacrifice and suffering, which while not pleasant, has proved valuable in my learning to be tolerant and forgiving when I encounter others unlike me with very different beliefs and ways of engaging with the world.
My point here is to identify for you what aspects of my personality are influenced by my professional life, and how in retirement I will seek to reclaim aspects of my work life and relationships that I most prize. Identifying activities and people that make life pleasurable and meaningful assumes that to some degree, I will have the autonomy to do so.
One of the things I regret is that my previous work life impacted how much quality time I spent with others. I often found myself working on weekends and holidays to keep up with the flow. I knew others on the Team that I worked with were doing the same thing. We all accepted it more or less for the privilege of serving in a healthcare community where we each believed that our work made a difference in the lives of those we served. However, the cumulative effects of always being on someone else’s schedule, even when you’re not, add up. I know that there were some activities and relationships that were diminished or avoided because they didn’t fit with my schedule. Reformation in the area of autonomy says that I must be intentional with time when I structure my activities and relationships around people and things that bring pleasure and meaning. In short, making time to let those closest to me know that I love and care for them through the strengthening of old bonds and the creation of new ones. Autonomy says I can become more available and accessible to others on my own terms, and not because I am required to do so because it’s my job.
The essence of autonomy is spending time with others— doing things that bring enjoyment, laughter, contemplation, and meaning in life. Other questions that can help new retirees determine how they will use their time require that they perform a self-assessment and ask —Why is my life useful? And, what am I able to remain committed to?
As I continue navigating this phase I will be asking these questions and exploring activities and relationships that help fuel the satisfaction and meaning that I derived from my agency work. In the third and final essay—Phase 3- I will look at Reconciliation.