Retracing Our Paths - Remembering Our Origins

Photo by Marina Leonova

By Sterling M. Hawkins, MSW, LCSW-C, LICSW

The following Essays were inspired by author Nikole Hannah-Jones and her book titled The 1619 Project. The 1619 Project published in 2021 (Random House, LLC, NY) is a collection of essays edited by Prof. Jones in collaboration with the New York Times. The book asserts that American history began in 1619 with the arrival of the White Lion, the first ship of enslaved Africans one year before the Mayflower arrived. The book argues that American democracy and wealth of the nation were largely built by enslaved Black Americans. But that this demographic in many ways is excluded from American history and remains suppressed due to racist institutions that persist from slavery.

These essays will attempt to go deeper into the fabric of certain principles of entitlement embodied in the Declaration of Independence that were denied people of color and the fallout from this failure in several key themes: Dispossession, Home, Subsistence, Profit, and Belief

What Do These Essays Have To Do With Mental Health?

Each essay will explore the concept of Intergenerational Trauma and recount deeply distressing and disturbing experiences documented throughout our history. While some may say that these experiences are now past they fail to see the present vestiges each has rooted in ancestral burdens that we who now live continue to carry. By identifying these burdens, we can begin the dialog and heal. The following Five Topic areas and their definitions will be used to explore Intergenerational Trauma in what otherwise may be mistaken as unrelated outcomes or occurrences of factors removed from the enslavement.

D I S P O S S E S S I O N

Persons who are forcibly displaced from their homeland are exposed to various stressors that impact their mental health and physical well-being before their migration and after their settlement and reintegration.

H O M E

The place where we reside or spend the majority of our time. It is a physical and geographical space. It’s also the tangible feeling you get from location, a sense of peace and joy from an environment, from loved ones where everyone knows they are welcome. The true meaning of home is diverse. However, what remains the same for everyone is that we desire to experience comfort and safety for it to be called such.

S U B S I S T E N C E

The action or fact of maintaining or supporting oneself at a minimum level requires that individuals be given the least amount of resources and materials possible, just enough to ensure their survival. Historically, people of color have been denied the resources and materials to live without the threat of poverty, disease, and death.

P R O F I T

The ability to obtain a financial advantage or benefit from labor or investment. For many people of color profit was denied or elusive at best. The effects of slavery and other forms of injustice have resulted in extreme income inequities designed to limit and remove the potential to make a better life for oneself.

B E L I E F

For many, religious and spiritual practices are key to understanding, recovering, and healing from trauma. Some faith traditions of Indigenous groups resemble only what could be classified as a preservative factor to insulate them and their communities from division and give meaning to life by offering solutions and reducing social isolation while providing a sense of identity, collective confidence, and transcendent hope amidst oppressive and inhumane conditions.

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I N T E R G E N E R A T I O N A L T R A U M A

What Is Intergenerational Trauma?

Intergenerational Trauma is a theory that explains decades of generational conflict in households, families, and communities. It is transferred from a historical event with oppressive or traumatic repercussions to successive generations. People who suffer from Intergenerational Trauma may experience behavioral, and psychological symptoms related to the trauma that preceding generations have gone through, not limited to just parents or grandparents.

How was Intergenerational Trauma discovered?

Genetics is the study of genes—the units of a person’s genetic code, made from DNA. The term “epigenetics” originated with Conrad Waddington (1905–1975) a biologist and geneticist who coined the term “epigenetics” to define the branch of biology that studies the causal interactions between genes and the traits that they influence. Epigenetics focuses on physical changes that affect how genes are “expressed”. (Felsenfeld 2014)

Each person's DNA lays the groundwork for developing physical and psychological characteristics—providing complex instructions for creating proteins and other molecules. However, how these instructions are used can be modified by various factors.  These modifications occur naturally and help to steer development. For example, they enable cells in the brain in other parts of the body to perform specialized roles based on the same underlying genetic code. However, the epigenome is also susceptible to influence by exposure to toxins and other environmental factors.

Epigenetic changes may be caused by health-related factors such as diet, exercise, smoking, drug use, and early stress. For example, research suggests that prenatal exposure to famine may reduce the methylation of a gene associated with growth. Differences in DNA methylation have also been explored in individuals who have experienced other forms of early-life adversity, such as childhood trauma. Such epigenetic differences, if indeed caused by harsh early experiences, could potentially play a role in explaining increased vulnerability to physical and mental illness. (Psychology Today 2024)

On the simplest level, the concept of intergenerational trauma acknowledges that exposure to extremely adverse events impacts individuals to such a great extent that their offspring find themselves grappling with their parents’ post‐traumatic state. A more recent and provocative claim is that the experience of trauma – or more accurately the effect of that experience – is “passed” somehow from one generation to the next through non‐genomic, possibly epigenetic mechanisms affecting DNA function or gene transcription. (Yehuda -Lerner 2018)

The belief that the experience of parents and their ancestors influence future generations is well documented. History is taught, past down, and preserved through the witnesses and survivors of communal trauma, such as genocide and death. Cultural memory is conveyed through rituals, memorials, museums, the arts, and anniversaries. Intergenerational or Cultural trauma occurs “when members of a collectivity feel they have been subjected to a horrendous event that leaves indelible marks upon their group consciousness, marking their memories forever and changing their future identity in fundamental and irrevocable ways.” (Lehrner and Yehuda, 2018 as cited in Alexander, 2004)

In the case of the Holocaust, (1933- 1945) many members of the targeted community felt it was vital to demonstrate that the Nazis had failed in their agenda to destroy the Jewish community and that living well was the best revenge. After all, Jews had a long history of surviving oppression, and the Holocaust provided another instance not only of their victimization but also of their resilience. (Lehrner and Yehuda 2018)

“The population of Holocaust survivors was relatively unique in that the entire religious group was targeted, regardless of sex, age, temperament, or other risk factors, and the Holocaust ended after the war and so could be chronologically bounded. Despite the dispersion of survivors, they tended to settle in Jewish communities in the United States and Israel and could thus be identified and recruited for study. Furthermore, the second generation was composed of adults who were interested in research questions about intergenerational transmission of trauma effects and of age to consent and participate in such research. A research literature followed, chasing questions of whether and how a trauma not directly experienced may have had intergenerational influences, affecting the development of second and even third generations of offspring.” (Lerner and Yehuda 2018)

Another evidence of intergenerational trauma occurred when tens of thousands of people on September 11th, 2001 were directly exposed to the World Trade Center attack. There were documented approximately 1,700 pregnant women. Some of these women as a result of their exposure developed PTSD, involving trouble sleeping, nightmares, becoming easily startled or frightened, irritability, and aggression. Some of the children of these pregnant women exhibit symptoms that their mothers experienced on that day. 38 of these women who were at or near the World Trade Center at the time participated in a research study where saliva samples were taken and measured for the stress hormone cortisol. Researchers found that those women who had developed PTSD following exposure to the attacks had significantly lower levels of cortisol in their saliva than those who were similarly exposed but did not develop PTSD. About a year later, the researchers measured cortisol levels in the children and found that those born to women who had developed PTSD had lower levels of the hormone than the others. It was also observed that reduced cortisol levels were most apparent in those children whose mothers were in the third trimester of pregnancy when they were exposed to the attack. (Costandi 2018)

It is believed that “Adverse experiences may influence the next generation through multiple pathways. The most apparent route runs through parental behavior, but influences during gestation and even changes in eggs and sperm may also play a role. And all these channels seem to involve epigenetics: alterations in the way that genes function. Epigenetics potentially explains why the effects of trauma may endure long after the immediate threat is gone, and it is also implicated in the diverse pathways by which trauma is transmitted to future generations.” (Yehuda 2022)

Why is the topic of Intergenerational Trauma important?

Depression among people of color (African American, Latinx, and Indigenous groups) who have experienced discrimination are more likely to suffer from depression. Their symptoms occur with greater frequency, duration, and severity when compared with White Americans. Moreover, African Americans are less likely to receive mental health treatment than their White counterparts. These inequities are often linked to social, economic, and environmental determinants such as low income, under-resourced educational opportunities, inadequate housing, and insufficient access to quality mental health treatment. (Am Journal of Psychiatry 2022)

Identifying and understanding these risk factors particularly their impact on successive generations requires accounting for structural racism that is routinely experienced by racially and ethnically minoritized individuals.

Cumulative trauma is a term that is used to explain syndromes that result from repeated injury or are aggravated by repetitive insults. Traumatic experiences stemming directly from structural racism represent the failure of a trusted entity (institutions, society, or the government) to protect one from harm. (Am Journal of Psychiatry 2022)

Traumatic experiences can take many forms. Intergenerational trauma which stems from historical trauma by oppression related to culture, race, or ethnicity transcends multiple generations. Not only for survivors but also for descendants not yet born. Researchers now recognize that circumstances that can lead to intergenerational trauma include multiple causes that have their origin in:

• colonization

• enslavement, systemic racism, discrimination

• loss of language, culture, and traditions,

• separation of children from family members

• war

• famine and natural disasters

• global or national crisis, like the Great Depression or the Covid-19 Pandemic

• genocide

• long-term financial hardship or poverty

  (Raypole 2022)

The physical and psychological effects of one or more of these causes will directly impact what persons believe about themselves, others, and their social environment. The effects of intergenerational trauma can be lifelong and require that those who are experiencing symptoms linked to intergenerational trauma, develop coping skills and sources of support to begin to heal. It also requires that mental health providers who treat clients who suffer from mental illness become trauma-informed and knowledgeable about sources of trauma and the diverse influence it has on both the individual and collective experiences of marginalized groups.

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References:

Alexander, Jeffrey C.. "Chapter 1. Toward a Theory of Cultural Trauma". Cultural Trauma and Collective Identity, Berkeley: University of California Press, 2004, pp. 1-30. https://doi.org/10.1525/9780520936768-002

Costandi, Mo. 2018. “Pregnant 9/11 Survivors Transmitted Trauma to Their Children.” The Guardian, February 14, 2018. https://www.theguardian.com/science/neurophilosophy/2011/sep/09/pregnant-911-survivors-transmitted-trauma.

Fesenfeld, G. (2014)  A Brief History of Epigenetics. Cold Spring Harbor Biol. v.6, PubMed Central. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3941222/

Hankerson, Sidney H., Nathalie Moise, Diane Wilson, Bernadine Y. Waller, Kimberly T. Arnold, Cristiane Duarte, Claudia Lugo-Candelas, et al. 2022. “The Intergenerational Impact of Structural Racism and Cumulative Trauma on Depression.” ˜the œAmerican Journal of Psychiatry 179 (6): 434–40. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.21101000.

Psychology Today (2024) Epigenetics https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/epigenetics

Raypole, Crystal. 2022. “Understanding Intergenerational Trauma and Its Effects.” Healthline. April 20, 2022. https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/intergenerational-trauma#impact.

Yehuda, Rachel, and Amy Lehrner. 2018. “Intergenerational Transmission of Trauma Effects: Putative Role of Epigenetic Mechanisms.” World Psychiatry/World Psychiatry 17 (3): 243–57. https://doi.org/10.1002/wps.20568.

Yehuda, Rachel. 2024. “How Parents’ Trauma Leaves Biological Traces in Children.” Scientific American, February 20, 2024. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-parents-rsquo-trauma-leaves-biological-traces-in-children/

—. 2022f. “The Intergenerational Impact of Structural Racism and Cumulative Trauma on Depression.” ˜the œAmerican Journal of Psychiatry 179 (6): 434–40. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.ajp.21101000.

Division and Diversity

Photo by Brett Achurch

“When there is no enemy within, the enemy outside cannot hurt you.” —Winston S. Churchill

By Sterling M. Hawkins, MSW, LCSW-C, LICSW

“Mending Wall” is the first poem in a collection of poems titled North of Boston by Robert Frost. The poem has forty-five lines and is not divided into stanzas. There are no rhymes. This poem, like others by Frost, portrays nature in the New England countryside and the people who live there. Frost uses nature to teach us about life. (Mending Wall, 2024)

The poem contrasts two types of persons, represented by the narrator (the primary character) and the neighbor (a secondary character), who highlights the disengenuous tone of the narrator. The narrator is evasive, deceitful, and negative, whereas the neighbor is honest, succinct, and positive. The only statement we hear from the neighbor is, “Good fences make good neighbors.” This contrasts sharply with the narrator’s line— “Something there is that doesn’t love a wall.”

There’s a conversational tone between the narrator and the neighbor. Both men have different ideas about what makes a person a good neighbor. The conversation between the two men spans years. The narrator seeks to convince the neighbor of the wall’s futility and cites several reasons that a wall is not necessary. The narrator suggests that neither of the men keep livestock. And, that the forces of nature- “the frozen ground” and the forces of men, “the work of the hunters” erode all efforts to achieve permanence.

Underlying Frost’s account of the two men’s differing outlook on their shared fence is a question: Are boundaries necessary to maintain relationships between people? Although the narrator believes borders are not needed, the adage repeated by the neighbor— “Good fences make good neighbors,” ironically is observed in the relationship between them. In this poem the wall represents the differences between people and property.

As I travel the countryside of Ireland I observe many stone walls that divide property and pasturelands. Some are centuries old and have been damaged by the forces of nature and the forces of men. Others were built more recently or have been repaired. I listen to our tour guide describe Ireland’s history of division and diversity, and like in the poem reflect on how division and diversity helped to create tolerance and respect for differences. World leaders often refer to this mending as international diplomacy that encourages negotiation, dialog, cooperation and shaping peaceful resolutions. Such efforts influence the citizenry, It influences us, who we are and who we will become.

Relationships require us to be genuine, to acknowledge everything that we witness, even when it becomes uncomfortable to do so. And, even where differences and disagreements remain. As writer Margaret Renkl beautifully illustrates in her own reflection on Mending Wall. She writes— “Truth sometimes dawns too late. Time shifts more than stones. Tumbled down walls can’t always be mended.”

As I examine my own relationships I have reached a similar conclusion. I am learning to view my relationships through a wide-angled lens. Accepting like the neighbor that there are walls that should remain undisturbed, but not misunderstood. These boundaries serve to define who I am and what I believe, and distinguish me from my neighbors and what they believe. And that a world with fences makes good neighbors by minimizing conflicts and misunderstandings, creating a sense of mutual respect and allowing my neighbors and I to coexist peacefully.

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References:

Mending wall. (2024, June 22). The Poetry Foundation. https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/44266/mending-wall

Renkl, M. (2023, June 4). https://www.nytimes.com/2025/06/02/opinion/robert-frost-neighbors-fences.html. New York Times.

R E V I S E D

Photo by Ekaterina Astakhova

“Education is the kindling of a flame not the filling of a vessel.” —Socrates

By Sterling M. Hawkins, MSW, LCSW-C, LICSW

The goal of education is to help people develop their potential, learn to think critically and contribute to society. Several months ago, I was forced to re-examine the role that education has played in my life. I asked myself if I had achieved these goals, and my answer was “Yes.”

Personally I believe that I had. In fact, others were able to reaffirm my observations without bias. The avenues that allowed me to pursue a formal education as a young adult are different now that I am old. I would learn this in an attempt to climb the final rungs on the academic ladder in the pursuit of a doctoral (EdD) degree. The lessons were swift and steep. I learned several things post-enrollment through experience that my academic advisor never prepared me for. I learned that academic success can exact a greater price in old age than when one is young. And that some of the costs associated with learning undermine learning itself.

For example, I learned that I had given up a lot already, having entered retirement, by returning to the virtual classroom. I had given up a modest client caseload, time with my wife, and finances that would have gone toward things more tangibly gratifying with immediate utility or return on my investment. I had shelved a couple of hobbies with the hope that if my program progressed satisfactorily, I could resume where I left off. And that the education I had gained (had I continued in the program) would make up for any losses.

I learned that the program, as it is structured, would fail to teach me what is most important in this season of life. This objective was not a part of my course curriculum. What began as a three-year graduation window soon became five once I was made aware of the volume of work that would be required of me. I managed satisfactorily in the beginning but quickly became overwhelmed with the pace of the condensed schedule to complete two courses simultaneously per eight-week term. One would be challenging but doable. Two proved destructive and unsustainable. Choosing to drop one class and continue with the other would have extended my time and my costs. Outcomes for which I was unprepared. Given this difficult choice, I elected to withdraw from the program. I rationalized that my love for education would not be rewarded under such conditions as in the past.

I learned that for education to hold value for me in old age, it would need to have the potential to improve the lives of others, including my own. The short-term sacrifice for long-term reward is no longer logical and needs to be revised. To voluntarily make sacrifices only to encounter other unforeseen losses that may be irreparable seems pointless. The short-term sacrifice (5 years ) in my mid-sixties compared to similar sacrifices in my mid-twenties became long. And the rewards at seventy would be short. Therefore, I made the difficult decision to revise my goals while expanding my definition of what life-long education has now become.

You have heard it said that there are two types of education—formal and informal. For most of my life, I valued traditional (formal) classroom education (including virtual learning) over informal, less structured experiential education. While quick to acknowledge the valuable role informal education can play in life, I’ve undervalued it in my own life.

Author and commentator David Brooks has a name for informal education. He refers to it as The Other Education. He writes— “We don’t usually think of this second education. For reasons having to do with the peculiarities of our civilization, we pay a great deal of attention to our scholastic educations, which are formal and supervised, and we devote much less public thought to our emotional educations, which are unsupervised and haphazard. This is odd since our emotional educations are much more important to our long-term happiness and the quality of our lives.” (Brooks, 2009)

I believe my emotional education is also more important to the long-term happiness of others who walk alongside, behind, or in front of me. As a therapist, I know this, but I couldn’t see it in myself. I have only become aware of it retrospectively. In the words of George Whitman (1913-2011) , All the world is my school and all humanity is my teacher.” My takeaway from this experience is that education is not intelligence but is about helping, supporting, and giving guidance wherever it is welcomed. So that others can benefit whenever it is useful. Wisdom is shown not only in what we study but how we live. Wisdom is about the whole of life and not just what we know but how we apply our knowledge. In the words of Socrates, how we “kindle the flame.”

I am already engaged in such education and now feel empowered to do more. The clarity of my experience is liberating and has opened up possibilities to think, feel, and act more in tune with my core values and to experience richer and deeper relationships with those I educate and those who educate me.

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References:

The Other Education. (2009, November 26). New York Times.

I Don't Wanna Talk About Love

Photo by Vie Studio

“You have to love.  You have to feel.  It is the reason you are here on earth…And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or hurt…let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness.  Tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could.” —Louise Erdrich

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By Sterling M. Hawkins, MSW, LCSW-C, LICSW

As we enter the New Year, I find myself thinking about the meaning of love. Can we define it or know what it is when we experience it? Is it a theoretical concept or principle that can be applied in our actions toward others? Is it something we feel, an emotion subject to the social and economic climate where we live and work?

Love is both a noun and a verb, depending on how it is used in a sentence. It can refer to affection (noun) when one is loved. Or the act of showing affection (verb) when one expresses love. To remain emotionally literate, it’s important not to confuse the noun with the verb. While many want to be the recipient of love, not all want to exercise it. Unrequited love toward a person or some thing is grievous. The type of love most want is reciprocal. Even when we cannot define it. I believe Love is best expressed as a verb because in doing so, I will never become confused or complacent. The writer and theologian Dr. Henri Nouwen said, “A gentle [loving] person is someone who treads lightly, listens carefully, looks tenderly, and touches with reverence. In our tough and often unbending world, our gentleness can be a vivid reminder of the presence of God among us.” (In Gentleness by Henri Nouwen, 2014)

Love is not an abstract or lofty idea but a guiding principle that should inform our actions.

Love may be many things, known by different names and felt in a way that does not discriminate against age, race, sex, or politics. We may disagree on where love originated, but we know it when we experience it because it prompts us to act.

The late author and Poet Laureate Maya Angelou said, “Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.” (A Quote by Maya Angelou, n.d.-b)

We live in a season where the politics of hate exert enormous pressure to return evil for evil. Therefore, examining love in its simplest form is essential. I believe in both justice and mercy, which makes loving others complicated. Love may ask that I assist those in need and advocate for those who may be underrepresented, marginalized, or dismissed. Pursuing justice is never easy, and extending mercy is often unpopular. Yet, I think both are essential for social reform. The equation looks something like this— justice plus mercy equals love.

When I am conflicted about how I should love, I reflect on what many of the world’s major religions and philosophies teach—To love my neighbor as myself and to have empathy for those who are my enemies. While empathy can be an expression of love, it is not the same as love. Empathy is about attempting to understand someone’s emotions, whereas love is about having a positive emotional connection. I may express empathy by taking defensive rather than offensive actions in unresolved conflict. Empathy may sometimes require me to seek forgiveness when I have failed to understand my enemy or expressed an unwillingness to do so. Moreover, love may ask me to seek forgiveness when I have failed to love my neighbor in ways that I want to be loved.

We are currently observing our political, economic, and moral culture become desensitized in ways that incentivize hatred. This distorted view restricts our capacity for love.

Singers and songwriters can teach us a lot about love because every musical genre has stories about it.  Music provides us with endless expressions of the same thing-  a principled story of what should be but often is not.  Love songs are written again and again about the same thing.  It’s as if we need constant reminders of what it should look like, where it can be found, and how it should sound and make us feel.

Romantic love is perhaps the most challenging because it starts in one place and ends somewhere else.  Unlike a book, love is not linear.  Love does not always follow a straight path. The lyrics and melody are interrupted.  The quality of love is judged not only by our own expectations and observations but also the expectations of others.  What we say and don’t say, and what we do or don’t do.

The late singer-songwriter Nanci Griffith said that “love has a voice of its own. If we try to outshout it, then the love is gone.” (Nanci Griffith Rarities, 2021)

Griffith was right.  When we express negativity so loudly that it overshadows any expression of love, it implies that we are communicating in a manner so critical or hostile that we don’t care about others. Loving someone requires that we genuinely care about the words and actions we choose that have the power to heal or inflict injury (physical, emotional, and psychological). 

When we think we've learned to love well, it may still remain a mystery. Love asks for something from us that we do not know but have to learn or cannot afford. True Love seeks payment we must earn. True love is costly and can never be bought.  It will cost us everything if we wish to love well.

Perhaps Hal David, Burt Bacharach, Jackie DeShannon and others in 1965 were correct. “What the world needs now is love. . .” (Beth Cartwright, 2012)

After sixty years, little has changed. We’re still learning how to love. Will we ever get it right? In 2025, how will you love?

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References:

A quote by Maya Angelou. (n.d.-b). https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/126888-love-recognizes-no-barriers-it-jumps-hurdles-leaps-fences-penetrates

In Gentleness by Henri Nouwen. (2014, February 7). Windows Toward the World. https://helenl.wordpress.com/2014/02/07/in-gentleness-by-henri-nouwen/

Nanci Griffith Rarities. (2021, August 11). Nanci Griffith - I Don’t Wanna Talk About Love (Official Music Video) [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmCbZuC01n0

Beth Cartwright. (2012, September 2). Jackie DeShannon - What the world needs now is love [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YUaxVQPohlU

R E F I R E D

Photo by Barbara Olsen

By Sterling M. Hawkins, MSW, LCSW-C, LICSW

 How do you understand life in a way that gives you a sense of integrity when a dream’s shelf life is ending?

From a very young age, I loved learning.  Although, at times the classroom and its instructors were not always welcoming.  A few courses loomed large and intimidating.  Despite these aversions,  I love the way that learning new things makes me feel.  Not in a prideful way but in a way that shapes my perspectives on life and in the best possible world, allows me to test my knowledge and experience, and distill it down to what’s applicable and what can be used to help others. I believe this is the single most important factor and the primary inspiration for any good reflected in my learning.

While serving others is a primary inspiration, there are parallel inspirations for my love for learning.  I believe God has gifted me with drive and opportunity.  Drive and opportunity require that I find channels to be responsible.  Being responsible means not treating drive or opportunity as limitless resources.

I’ve been fortunate to occupy both physical and virtual spaces in my educational journey.  My formal education began when I was 19.  I left my Mid-Atlantic home to attend a college in the Midwest.  I would transfer to 2 other schools, attempting to retain as many credits as possible before completing my bachelor’s at age 24.

After completing my bachelor’s,  I started working, but shortly thereafter crossed paths with faculty and alumni from the university in the Sunshine State where I then worked and lived.  One conversation led to another followed by several visits on campus, that culminated in my registering for a Spring semester class in the program in which I planned to major.

The following Fall, I resigned from my job, applied to enroll in graduate studies, and began attending school full-time.  Two years later, I graduated with my master’s at age 27.  It was challenging yet rewarding.  And I made a couple of friendships with whom I remain in contact.

Last year I retired from full-time agency employment and have continued working part-time in my practice.  Since completing my master’s degree more than 30 years ago I have occasionally contemplated returning to school to complete a doctorate.  However, marriage, career, and raising a family consumed my energies,  so I pushed the thought aside.  Financial constraints have always been a deterrent and the lack of connection with academia all combined to reduce the thought to an imagination, a mere dream.

Entering retirement has rekindled my interest in continued study at the doctoral level.  My wife still works full-time.  Our kids have completed their education, are out of the home, and are financially independent.  I have a couple of ongoing commitments.  But nothing that can’t be scaled back or eliminated to accommodate a return to graduate study.   I’ve consulted with my financial advisor and believe that  I’m securely positioned to resume my education without risking my retirement savings. 

Several months ago,  I began exploring the possibility of returning to school and what I would require to be successful. I identified a couple of schools and have applied to the school that I believe meets my needs.  I want to continue learning and adding to what I have gained over the years to continue serving others.  I concluded that if I could locate a program that was online and afford me the flexibility to learn at a reasonable pace, I could re-enter the classroom and hopefully survive the rigors at the doctoral level. 

There’s a good likelihood that I will be accepted by at least one of the two schools I’ve researched.  I have begun the Q and A dialog with Admissions which will prepare me to make the final decision within the next couple of weeks.  If everything goes according to plan,  I will be able to enroll and register for the Spring 2025 semester.

As I reflect on yet another epic journey,  I am cautiously optimistic about my dream’s shelf life. If I am admitted into the program and begin in the Spring and can remain on track without any setbacks, I should be completing the degree by my 68th birthday.

Feelings of self-doubt, and external distractions are ever-present.  The window for me to complete this journey is shrinking.  Therefore, I must exercise faith, and self-efficacy, and solicit the support of friends and former colleagues who have completed their doctoral journey or who will remind me of why I made this decision to begin with:

A first in my family of origin to complete a degree. As a person of color to experience inclusion, have a seat at the table and a voice in the room.  To inspire others to dream and see education as a tool that they can use to grow their mind and change the world one person at a time. A good education does this. A good education should equip one to end life well.  These are all things that inspire me.  The dream is taking shape.  I’m now refired!

In Search of the Golden Thread

Retirement a Psychological Journey

Photo by Jiri Mikolas

By Sterling M. Hawkins, MSW, LCSW-C, LICSW

“We are, finally, all wanderers in search of knowledge. Most of us hold the dream of becoming something better than we are, something larger, richer, in some way more important to the world and ourselves. Too often, the way taken is the wrong way, with too much emphasis on what we want to have, rather than what we wish to become.”

—- Louis L'Amour,

R E C O N C I L I A T I O N

Reconciliation for this essay will be defined as A process of making two different ideas and facts exist or be true at the same time. Entering retirement requires us to examine our place in time. It requires us to accept some changes that have been in the making for years that are irreversible. It also requires us to review possibilities within what remains unchanged and find something new. Retirement involves reconciliation and the idea that we are more than the sum of our parts. Retirement is an ending, an epilogue as well as a new beginning and can only be entered into with courage and humility. After all, it’s easy to overestimate our pre-retirement experiences, while underestimating the post-retirement challenges that lie ahead. For me, retirement involves adapting to change and discovering meaning in life. To some extent, it requires that I find people and resources that can support me through these changes.

* * * *

In 1938 researchers at the Harvard Medical School initiated a research study referred to as the Harvard Study of Adult Development, that asked participants about their lifestyles, habits, relationships, work, and happiness. The study has expanded since then to include others outside of Harvard. The study chronicles how people lived, loved, and worked in their 20s and 30s and follows their lives to see how they turned out over the following decades. This study has been regularly updated for over 80 years and contains a treasure trove of information concerning happiness and health. (Mineo 2017) Two things that are of great interest to me as I enter this phase of retirement.

While there is a lot of variation in the demographics from this study, two distinct populations have emerged. First, the best off are the “happy-well” who enjoy good physical health as well as good mental health and high life satisfaction. Second, at the other end of the spectrum are the “sad-sick” who are below average in physical health, mental health, and life satisfaction. To some extent when they were young, the happy-well senior citizens were able to accumulate and invest certain “generational wealth” that is difficult for most of us to control. Some of these include: having a happy childhood, descending from long-lived ancestors, and avoiding clinical depression. But some, investments that can be made and accumulated are under our control and these types of investments can teach us a great deal about how to plan for a late-life happy-wellness. Researchers found that we can control seven big investment decisions directly: [1] not smoking, [2] moderate drinking, [3] body weight and adequate nutrition, [4] exercise, [5] emotional resilience, [6] access to education, and [7] relationships. (Brooks 2022)

The study examines how each of these factors can influence our physical and mental health later in life. And, suggests that the best way to maximize your chances of happiness in your senior years is to pursue all seven of these goals with fervor. However, if you can choose only one put your heart into it.

As I review these findings it makes sense to me. Much of this we’ve been told all our lives. I have seen up close how smoking, excessive drinking, and living a sedentary lifestyle can ruin one’s health and late-life happiness. Therefore, I don’t focus on the things that are not a part of my present life equation or things that pose no threat to my future.

I’ve reconciled that I have a family history of cancer, heart disease, and diabetes. And, that while a few of my paternal ancestors lived well into their 90s, my maternal ancestors did not fare as well. I’ve also reconciled that I have a couple of health conditions, that require monitoring. And, that I don’t have the physical or mental capacity to live like I’m in my 30s. I would be negligent or perhaps reckless to ignore such things.

What I believe about the research is that everyone young or old can examine how they are investing in practices that will enable them to increase the likelihood that they can live in a happy-well state. The factors we have no control over under the term “generational wealth” may not be worth exploring. Particularly if you’re already in the late season of life.

One of the interesting findings resulting from this study is that the single most important trait of happy-well elders is healthy relationships. While the study is based on population averages, I find this as no surprise. When our interpersonal relationships are healthy and conflicts that jeopardize our communication and connection to others are minimal, our overall health is enhanced by the nature or quality that these relationships play in our lives. The research suggests that people who maintain a connection to others: family, friends, or work remain healthier in old age. (Brooks 2022)

Some relationships are irreparable, let’s just be honest. We will carry the wounds from those relationships where either we harmed someone emotionally or were harmed ourselves. It is important to reflect on what we have learned from these experiences and use them in ways to guard against such harms reoccurring in the future.

I have reconciled that some of my interpersonal relationships have not always been positive. As I enter retirement, I am fully aware that my future in some ways is reflected in my history. That my history has taught me what is possible when I work with what I have to resolve impediments to future success. This in essence is what it means to be human, to be fallible, vulnerable, and weak, while at the same time being fortified and strengthened by the knowledge you carry into the future that enables you to become a better person. American author and poet Mary Oliver in her poem titled “The Summer Day” gets to the heart of what confronts us when approaching the final chapters in life. In the closing lines of the poem she writes:

“I don’t know exactly what a prayer is. I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down into the grass, how to kneel down into the grass, how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields, which is what I have been doing all day. Tell me what else should I have done? Doesn’t everything die at last and too soon? Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

Oliver asks provocative questions that force us to accept what good there is in life as we presently experience it. Life is temporary. Therefore, we must pay attention, kneel down in the grass, be blessed, and stroll through the fields whenever and wherever we find them. Even if doing so consumes our days. For the beauty of the field and those persons in it will soon disappear along with our memories of them.

I am reconnecting with some family and friends in ways that are supportive and healthy. I accept that I will not always be acknowledged or affirmed in ways that are meaningful to me. I have learned to accept what is no longer possible or irreparable and engage with people in ways to make a positive difference wherever I can. Such efforts I believe carry mutual benefit, and in the best circumstances are reciprocated.

Other concerns that exist somewhere in the middle between happy-well and sad-sick involve having enough savings to remain solvent well past retirement. And whether part-time work will generate sufficient income to support my wants without concern that this income will be sacrificed to meet essential needs.

I’ll soon be eligible to apply for Medicare and will need to decide whether to enroll in the Traditional plan or one of the many Medicare Advantage Plans. Even after careful analysis, the health insurance industry and the government’s ability to regulate prohibitive factors that limit costs and coverage to consumers is to some degree arbitrary and dependent upon a host of factors that can push me closer to or further away from a happy-well state.

“There are moments in life when we are reminded that we are unfinished, that the story we have been telling ourselves about who we are and where our life leads is yet unwritten. Such moments come most readily at the beginning of something new.” —-Maria Popova

Questions that may be helpful for retirees entering this phase may include:

• What mindfulness and spiritual practices serve to guide my life and decision-making?

• What established interests or preferences can I share with my partner, spouse, or close friends?

• Which former co-workers and associates am I still in contact with? And, are these connections still meaningful?

• What short and long-term goals have I achieved or still desire? Do any of these hold intrinsic value? And, for which of these goals am I truly hopeful, independent of others’ expectations?

Everyone loves a happy ending, especially in the story of their own life. My retirement is the beginning chapter of what I hope will be a satisfying ending. Louis L’Amour said it best — “the greatest gift anyone can give to another is the desire to know, to understand. Life is not for simply watching spectator sports, or for taking part in them; it is not for simply living from one working day to the next. Life is for delving, discovering, learning.”

Through delving, discovering, and learning you will find the golden thread and reclaim the ending to your story. As I enter this new phase I see the work that is finished and the work that lies ahead that in the end will allow me to give my greatest gift.

___________________________________________________

References:

Brooks, Arthur C. (2022) The Seven Habits that Lead to Happiness in Old Age. Retrieved on 7 January 2024. Available at https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2022/02/happiness-age-investment/622818/.

Louis LAmour, (1989) Goodreads Education of a Wandering Man Quotes. Retrieved on 8 January 2024. Available at https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/882365-we-are-finally-all-wanderers-in-search-of-knowledge-most

Mineo, Liz (2017) Good Genes Are Nice, but Joy is Better. Retrieved on 10 January 2024. Available at https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2017/04/over-nearly-80-years-harvard-study-has-been-showing-how-to-live-a-healthy-and-happy-life/

Popova, Maria (2023) The Marginalian A Spell Against Stagnation: John O’ Donohue on Beginnings. Retrieved on 31 December 2023. Available at https://mailchi.mp/themarginalian/beginnings?e=600125deab

In Search of the Golden Thread

Retirement a Psychological Journey

Photo by Mathias Reding

By Sterling M. Hawkins, MSW, LCSW-C, LICSW

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves;  we must die to one life before we can enter another.”  

— Anatole France                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

R E F O R M A T I O N

Reformation for this essay will be defined as the act or process of changing and improving something. But more than that reformation should be seen as a type of transformation. Transformation is best defined as a change in form, appearance, nature, or character. I will use these terms (reformation and transformation) synonymously to describe changes I have observed as a new retiree over the past several months and how those changes are shaping my life.

When I speak of reformation I’m referring to physical and psychological changes. Physical changes refer to my behavior, and what I feel physically when performing certain activities. Their frequency and the level of comfort or discomfort I experience when performing them. Taking a walk, preparing a meal, and reading a book are activities that I engage in. On the other hand, thoughts and emotions generated from within about my activities and associations with individuals are psychological.

Psychological changes are more complex and require a more intense effort than physical change alone. Retirement by its very nature involves physical and psychological change. What I have noticed over the past couple of months is change in 3 areas— Time, Identity, and, Autonomy. There’s an overlap between all three. Rather than give definitions I will give descriptions of how I am experiencing— Time, Identity, and Autonomy within the context of reformation.

Indigenous communities have a distinct relationship with the measurement and keeping of time. Unlike Industrialized cultures that use time as a form of control, with its emphasis on productivity and its accompanying rewards and penalties based on “clockwork” Indigenous societies function in ways consistent with their cultural beliefs. Time is often intertwined with the seasons, guiding their agricultural activities and enmeshed in the songs and stories that define their ancestry. Time is a fluid construct and serves as a story being written and re-written without interruption. In slowing down I recognize that my life is the result of an accumulation of the choices I have made over a lifetime. In essence, it is a story that I can begin to reclaim.

My morning and evening routines remain generally the same. I’m usually awake by seven and am in bed by eleven. What happens between 7:00 AM and 11:00 PM has become more discretionary. I used to exercise in the evenings, which resulted in fewer workouts because I was mentally and physically fatigued. Now I work out when possible in the morning.

When I was working full-time even when I was not out in the community, but parked on my laptop working remotely from home I felt tired and had difficulty concentrating. The sheer volume of mandatory training, documentation, emails, and phone messages requiring completion or follow-up had become untenable. Now instead of retrieving and responding to messages and completing trainings, I can devote more time to learning and performing tasks directly related to my interests.

I started learning a new software program and updating some of my digital files. I completed my part-time work schedule, and will not resume seeing clients for at least another two weeks. I went from working a 45-hour week to my new schedule which I estimate will average between 12 -15 hours each week. The remaining 25-plus hours are available for me to complete light work projects around the house, reading, writing, and conditioning for the cycling season that will begin in March. The 3 DIY home projects I wish to complete are outdoors. Therefore, at least for the winter months, these tasks are excluded from my schedule. I do however plan to revisit exploring what material possessions I own that serve neither a present nor future need. The winter months will give me time to sift through personal belongings and make decisions about what things to give away and discard. I anticipate this project will extend well into summer.

I’m involved in a Men’s group that meets one evening per week. And, a Writers’ Group that meets twice per month. Both of these groups require some preparation outside of the group to participate and engage with group members.

In addition to these activities, I belong to a couple of cycling clubs that meet weekly and ride routes varying in length from March through November. I have reading and writing goals that now have a chance of being met. These activities are all transformative.

A former co-worker and fellow retiree who attended my November retirement lunch said that in the beginning, I would have what feels like lots of time. But gradually, it will begin to fill up, and what I had in the beginning, after a while won’t feel like much at all. She said this as a warning, having been retired 6 years already and now having what she believes to be a busy yet fulfilling life.

I’m not there yet, and I plan to carefully guard what now has become a way for me to assign value to the things I do based on their importance to me and not an agency workplace.

Outside of the United States people are not as attached to their professional roles. Ask a person from Central Africa, or Central or South Asia who they are and they will probably respond by telling you things about their cultural identity, and what they like rather than things that they do. Inhabitants of highly industrialized countries like the U.S., Japan, and Germany generally, measure one’s worth, based on their education or profession. Persons who are college-educated and work in prestigious fields from less industrialized countries will see their education and work as composites of their personality. They will likely tell you about where they grew up their family of origin, their politics, places that they’ve visited or lived, and what recreational or leisure pursuits they enjoy. Social conditioning plays a huge role in how we define ourselves. And I’m often prone to answer the question— “Who are you?’ by telling others what I do.

Retirement begins with reflection. My identity and how I define myself is changing. For the present, I still identify with being a social worker, because I remain licensed to practice in this profession, and will continue working on a limited basis. However, letting go of my professional identity, and highlighting other aspects of who I am and what I enjoy doing will gradually become more important. For retirees entering the reformation phase, two questions may be helpful with the transition:

• What pleases you?

• What gives your life meaning?

When asking these questions I am quickly able to generate a list of people and things that are both meaningful and pleasurable. During my professional career, I have enjoyed projects that involved Service Delivery and Research and Development. In short, improving processes that enhance social and emotional well-being, communication, and accessibility to resources. I also enjoy Education and working as a mentor with others just beginning their professional journey, and the collaboration required in creating good Team Dynamics.

Additionally, I enjoy being around others who seek meaning and connection in ideas and their relationships. Those who are loyal, insightful, conscientious, and can analyze what makes things work. I am energized by those who have a clear vision of how best to serve the common good. And lastly, I enjoy working and spending time with others who are pragmatic and organize their work, their home, and their life on a set of values or traditions. In the words of Marie Kondo all of these things — spark joy.

Road cycling with a group or solo I find pleasurable. I enjoy live music, the arts, learning folklore, reading, writing, and listening to short stories. . . These are a few of my favorite activities.

I’ve also learned to appreciate sacrifice and suffering, which while not pleasant, has proved valuable in my learning to be tolerant and forgiving when I encounter others unlike me with very different beliefs and ways of engaging with the world.

My point here is to identify for you what aspects of my personality are influenced by my professional life, and how in retirement I will seek to reclaim aspects of my work life and relationships that I most prize. Identifying activities and people that make life pleasurable and meaningful assumes that to some degree, I will have the autonomy to do so.

One of the things I regret is that my previous work life impacted how much quality time I spent with others. I often found myself working on weekends and holidays to keep up with the flow. I knew others on the Team that I worked with were doing the same thing. We all accepted it more or less for the privilege of serving in a healthcare community where we each believed that our work made a difference in the lives of those we served. However, the cumulative effects of always being on someone else’s schedule, even when you’re not, add up. I know that there were some activities and relationships that were diminished or avoided because they didn’t fit with my schedule. Reformation in the area of autonomy says that I must be intentional with time when I structure my activities and relationships around people and things that bring pleasure and meaning. In short, making time to let those closest to me know that I love and care for them through the strengthening of old bonds and the creation of new ones. Autonomy says I can become more available and accessible to others on my own terms, and not because I am required to do so because it’s my job.

The essence of autonomy is spending time with others— doing things that bring enjoyment, laughter, contemplation, and meaning in life. Other questions that can help new retirees determine how they will use their time require that they perform a self-assessment and ask —Why is my life useful? And, what am I able to remain committed to?

As I continue navigating this phase I will be asking these questions and exploring activities and relationships that help fuel the satisfaction and meaning that I derived from my agency work. In the third and final essay—Phase 3- I will look at Reconciliation.

In Search of the Golden Thread

Retirement a Psychological Journey

Photo by Wendy Wei

By Sterling M. Hawkins, MSW, LCSW-C, LICSW

Originally written November 2023

“The initial touch of the golden thread is always attended by a certain kind of feeling. Experience will bring trust in that touch and the feeling that accompanies it, familiar recognition at its emergence.”

—Stephen Buhner

In less than a month I will be leaving an organization where I’ve spent the last 30 years of my professional life. The moment that I imagined over the years is now weeks away. I experience it as a traveler who has lived in one city and grown accustomed to its people and, its culture. As an inhabitant of this city to leave it is to become once more a foreigner, an emigrant.

For most, this is a significant life event and ranks alongside life events like graduation, marriage, and becoming a parent. My story is not unique. It has caused me to revisit who I am, and what I do outside the context of the workplace. While the type of work I perform can be done outside of the workplace, my attachment to it is felt more poignantly as I discard material work policies, print files, and publications that have outlived their usefulness. The events of the past week reverberate in my mind. My last joint-home visit with a colleague, being informed of my successor, and a small retirement luncheon at the behest of several coworkers.

* * * *

What I hope to convey in this piece are the psychological and emotional effects associated with detachment, and identity when explored through the lens of retirement from the workplace and a long professional career. I will examine this experiential process over the next several months defined by 3 Phases:

1. Respite- A short period of rest and relief from something difficult

2. Reformation- The act or process of changing and improving something

3. Reconciliation- A process of making two different ideas and facts exist or be true at the same time

R E S P I T E

Letting go for me is hard because I’ve been with the same organization for such a long time. New social work employees entering the Social Work profession today have more career opportunities than I did when I graduated in the late 1980s.

Factors that determine longevity in agency-based practice for younger social workers who entered the profession within the last 10 years may correlate with their age and social demographics making it easier for them to transition between jobs than it was when I entered the profession in the early 1990s. (Salsberg, 2020)

That being said, the effect of my age (over 60) combined with 3 decades in the same agency has created a sense of shortsightedness that I must now learn to navigate.

In addition to working full-time, I have maintained a solo practice, concurrently for the past 12 years. My solo practice has been dwarfed by work within the agency. This is a “first”. And, as with all firsts, one becomes aware of how certain environmental factors impact the psyche.

As I prepare to enter the Respite phase, I am entering a period where I will slow down and relax certain boundaries and expectations designed to meet the needs of the workplace and focus instead on activities that I have devoted little attention to or neglected completely. This should be a period marked by the rediscovery of familiar interests and activities I enjoy. I plan to read more, write more, and spend more time cycling. For retirees entering this phase several questions may be helpful with the transition:

• How will my use of time affect my relationship with others (spouse, adult children, other family, friends, and acquaintances?

• What activities and hobbies will require a sustained financial investment (travel, vacationing, purchases)?

• How will I manage disenchantment and disillusionment when my “to-do list” gets shorter and I run out of things to occupy my time?

For retirees who are in relatively good health, and who have prepared for retirement, managing disenchantment and disillusionment should be short-lived.

I am less concerned with running out of things to do than I am with the impact my retirement will have on my relationships with others. And, less income, which will force me to sacrifice some conveniences that I’ve grown accustomed to —like online book purchases and journal subscriptions, maintaining my bikes, and dining out.

Because I’ve spent time thinking about post-retirement activities and how I envision my time will be used, disenchantment and disillusionment should be kept at a minimum. I also have a realistic sense of my skills. And, how my age, interests, and the context in which they occur, influence the type of people, activities, and environments that I seek out.

I will miss working with some of my soon-to-be former clients with whom I have had a long professional relationship. The absence of those relationships at times does create an emotional void in the same way it does with some colleagues.

Because the majority of my clients are significantly older, and some are in poor health, I wonder what will become of them. And, how their story will end. Will they be able to procure the resources that they need from someone else? How will my clients experience my retirement?

I manage these thoughts by communicating to some clients (where I think the therapeutic relationship is significant) what they should expect when our work together has ended and reassuring them and their families that others like myself will pick up where I leave off. I provide them with the name and contact information of my replacement and remind them that they can consult with other staff in the program.

I attempt in this process to acknowledge my own emotions through self-reflection. I remind myself that our work together is temporary and that the client’s work will continue in alternative ways. I reflect on the client’s accomplishments and challenges yet to be attained. I allow myself space to reflect on what went well during my work with clients, and when there was failure. Finally, I remind myself and the client that problem resolution is ongoing and as some problems are resolved others will take their place.

Naturally, there have been many changes within my workplace over the years. Some changes have been quick and easy to learn while others have been more difficult and slower. I now know what adaptations I can make concerning how I work. Retirement is a conscious adaptation I am making to continue my work within a new context that is more physically and emotionally accommodating.

One thing that I’ve become more aware of is how a busy work life can mask emotions that lurk beneath the surface. Always present, but less noticeable because of distractions that result from an engaging work-life. This will prove challenging as I seek to re-examine old themes of success, failure, and opportunities for growth.

In the next essay, I will examine Phase 2- Reformation.

______________________________________________

References:

Salsberg, Edward, et al. “The Social Work Profession: Findings From Three Years of Surveys of New Social Workers.” The Council on Social Work Education and The National Association of Social Workers, https://www.socialworkers.org/LinkClick.aspx?fileticket=1_j2EXVNspY%3D&portalid=0, August 2020

Market Economics: Teachable

Photo by Brett Jordan

By Sterling M. Hawkins, MSW, LCSW-C, LICSW

“You can be shaped, or you can be broken. There is not much in between. Try to learn from everybody, especially those who fail.”

—David Foster Wallace

In my previous three essays, I used concepts found in economic theory to illustrate how human relationships mirror financial markets. I will continue that theme here as I examine the fourth and final characteristic of a healthy marriage or long-term partnership— being Teachable.

At its core being teachable is simply admitting that you have more to learn. I can never remember a time when I felt that I had learned all I needed to know about things germane to living a meaningful life. There is always some unknown fact or tidbit of knowledge related to someone or some thing that I find helpful after learning about it. Things which in the beginning appeared finite and limited in scope, but upon deeper inquiry and observation were found to be rich with meaning. Like when a few interesting trees become a forest to be discovered. Being teachable has more to do with your approach to learning rather than the accumulation of knowledge through formal education. I have chosen a simple definition for being Teachable— The ability and willingness to learn by instruction.

In a market economy, there are many things we need to learn if we are to become financially wise. How you learn things is primarily up to you. When I was young my father used to say that experience is the best teacher. And, he was correct. But, experience without being teachable is not enough. All knowledge comes at a price. And, we each must calculate what we are willing to pay. We all learn things late in life. And, most come to value foresight over hindsight.

For me being teachable has shortened the negative impact of failure. It has caused me to accept that I will often miss things at first glance, or minimize the importance of what I learn until I have suffered the consequences of being unable to apply it much later when it becomes essential for me to know.

In marriage and long-term partnerships being teachable is a virtue. The concept of learning about oneself and from one’s partner is often taken for granted. What I have learned from couples in therapy and from my own experience is that we leave too much up to chance. Left to itself in the beginning a relationship for a time may yield excellent returns on a couple’s investment in each other with little effort. This is often referred to as the “honeymoon” phase. In economics, the honeymoon phase is sometimes used to describe a time in which a special low-interest rate is offered for a short initial period before reverting to a standard rate for the remainder of the loan. The honeymoon period typically ranges from several months to a couple of years depending on the type of loan and the lender.

I believe this concept describes how most romantic commitments are often initiated. Couples are often attracted to each other because interest rates are affordable and the returns are generous. However, over time the standard rates return and they are paying more interest and wonder what they missed in the beginning and what they can do to avoid a possible recession. Being teachable says we will never know everything about our partner, but we must be willing to learn and accept that certain parts of us interfere with how we relate to our partners and the need to change and commit to working on those areas of our relationship that lead us toward conflict.

In the previous essay titled— Intuition, I presented a fictional couple, Len and Liz to illustrate how communication between partners is often influenced by thoughts and emotions that are linked to past histories. We learned that both Len and Liz had developed responses toward perceived indifference or actions that caused each to draw inaccurate conclusions about the other.

When we examine the couple’s communication we see that their conflict occurs primarily when they feel threatened, or insecure and they engage in what is commonly referred to as “protesting” behaviors, when one partner is pursuing the other in a negative way. Protesting is a natural response when one feels unsafe and vulnerable. These behaviors are typically characterized as Blaming, Demanding, Clinging, Nagging, or Controlling. Couples engage in these types of behaviors when they are desperate to get their partner’s response.

The corresponding and opposite behavior we observe in communication between couples is when one partner withdraws. Similar to protesting, withdrawing is a natural response and occurs when experience has taught you to be guarded with your feelings to avoid difficult interactions that you believe will make things worse. Some examples of Withdrawing behaviors are Appeasing, Placating, Minimizing, Avoiding, or Not Responding.

In relationships, both partners approach one another in one of these two ways. While there may be some variation, each is likely to have a preferred style of managing conflict that will be more prominent. You can also see this play out when both partners engage in similar behaviors. Some couples exhibit only protesting, while others only withdrawal behaviors. These behaviors are ways in which the couple has learned to manage vulnerable feelings that are evoked by a real or imagined threat.

Let’s pick up where we left off, and learn more about Len and Liz and their negative cycle of communication and what interventions may help them to improve.

Both Len and Liz are byproducts of their families of origin. Len was forced to take on parental responsibilities as a child and resented that both of his parents were unavailable for him growing up. He learned to cope by being guarded with feelings that could subject him to criticism or scrutiny from confrontations with his mother. He learned from his father’s absence and alcoholism that others couldn’t be trusted to fulfill their responsibilities. These learned coping strategies were carried into adulthood and now are playing out in his marriage with Liz. He views Liz as blaming and controlling, and similar to when he was a child, he withdraws to avoid conflict with her in the same way he withdrew from his mother. Len however is unconscious of these behaviors that over the years have become autonomic and a hard-wired means of survival.

Liz learned at a young age that in order to gain her parents’ affection she must achieve superiority in areas valued by them. Social class and distinction were well-defined. She was graded on her achievements as compared with those of her peers and expected to measure up. She struggled to be herself and make decisions without the scrutiny of her parents who often disapproved of her ideas and desires. Liz also learned that a life built on living in the shadow of her parents who were both accomplished professionals, her father, a concert musician, and her mother a playwright for a large theater company would leave her shallow and unfulfilled. It was a form of rebellion that led her to travel overseas and work with a humanitarian organization for a couple of years before returning to the States and continuing her work with refugees against her parent’s wishes. Liz in ways similar to Len was attempting to redefine what she wanted for herself and in marriage. Many of the lessons growing up for this couple failed to prepare them for the type of knowledge they would need to navigate the complex emotions evoked in a marriage relationship.

This couple engages in negative thinking about each other which provides them with a means of escaping more vulnerable feelings such as shame, disappointment, discouragement, and loneliness. These are their primary or responsive emotions that lead to expressive or reactive behaviors designed to protect or self-soothe. The very thing Liz does to cope with her insecurities (making decisions without consulting Len and minimizing their financial priorities) triggers anger, defensiveness, and withdrawal in Len. The couple’s reactive behaviors aimed against the other perpetuate the cycle of distress.

What may prove helpful in the beginning is for the therapist working with Len and Liz to identify ways in which anger and resentment that are expressed in different ways by each partner often hide more vulnerable emotions like shame, disappointment, and loneliness. Clinical Psychologist and author Dr. Sue Johnson in her book— Hold Me Tight writes that couples in marriage and long-term partnerships seek three basic things:

Accessibility— staying open to your partner even when you have doubts and feel insecure. It means taking a step back and attempting to identify their primary emotions and attachment needs.

Responsiveness—responding to your partner’s primary emotions— (fear, surprise, anger, sadness, shame, joy)

Engagement—remaining engaged and signaling to your partner’s need to be valued and trusted. (Johnson 2008))

Good therapeutic approaches in the end should allow Len and Liz to begin to see and feel things that they were blind and numb to prior to beginning therapy. When the deeper experience of the couple’s criticism is identified, core sadness and loneliness in the relationship are revealed. (“You don’t value my contribution to the marriage, You never consult with me for purchases over our budget.”), often pushes the distant partner even further away. Similarly, partners who withdraw typically reveal fear of disappointing or failing, which is also very painful, and underlies their problem-solving, placating, and eventual withdrawal. Unfortunately, this approach will typically reinforce alienation and evoke more criticism. And so the cycle will feed on itself until the partners begin to share their core sadness and fears, opening up the possibility of new experiences and responses. (Kallos-Lilly, Fitzgerald 2015)

Therapy alone however cannot help Len or Liz unless they are both teachable. What teachability will look like depends on a number of variables and approaches that I am unable to unpack here. But one thing should be evident regardless— Being teachable means that I am able to admit failure and let go of my need to always be right. Genuine humility is a relational skill that never grows old and communicates that I don’t have to win the argument or have the last word. It is a skill because it rarely happens. on its own. It requires repeated effort or practice and is not often reciprocated. Historian, Drew Gilpin Faust, I believe captures best what it means to become teachable. She writes— “You must open yourself up to the notion that you have a lot to learn, that what you do not know is close to infinite. A sense of ignorance fuels the desire to overcome it. Humility is a prerequisite for becoming educated.”

Becoming educated for most of us means that in doing so we will make mistakes and fail in our efforts. In a committed relationship, there will be times when we think we know everything we need to know about our partner or our circumstances. At other times we will feel hampered by disbelief, injury, and insult. But we must always seek to learn more about the options that exist to help us with challenges in communication and in sharing our lives with those we love.

There are a number of resources on the market that can help you learn more about yourself and your partner. If you’ve ever met with a financial planner to discuss investment options, it’s likely that at some point during the discussion, the planner indicated that in order to get to know your risk tolerance they would like to administer a test involving a series of questions to better learn your perspectives on money, and factors that influence your spending and saving habits. The planner will then use these results to create an investment plan tailored to your personal traits for financial decision-making.

In the field of mental health, social workers, psychologists, and counselors also use tests to better understand their clients. And to help clients better understand themselves and those they are in a relationship with.

Some of the most popular personality tests used by mental health providers are: Big Five Inventory (BFI), Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), and the Eysenck Personality Questionnaire (EPQ) to name a few. Each of these tests are designed to measure different aspects of personality.

These tests are simply guide posts or snapshots that may help explain how we think and what influences our thoughts and behaviors. They may provide additional therapeutic insight for things not previously considered. They should never be reviewed in the absence of other data.

Over the years, I have spent a lot of time thinking about relationships in general, what truly matters, and how to develop and sustain the type of commitments that most of us want. Patience, gratitude, and intuition all are essential. Being teachable however, is what allows couples to experience the relational growth that results in permanent and positive change.

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References:

Sue Johnson, Hold Me Tight. (New York, NY: Little Brown, 2008), 49-50

Veronica Kallos-Lilly and Jennifer Fitzgerald, An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples. (New York, NY: Routledge, 2015), 39

Market Economics: Intuition

Photo by Content Pixie

By Sterling M. Hawkins, MSW, LCSW-C, LICSW

“Intuition will tell the thinking mind where to look next”.

—Jonas Salk

Have you ever known something without knowing how? Maybe you have experienced a type of knowledge that defies explanation. Sometimes in hindsight, there were hints or subtle clues that when examined more closely appeared connected and formed the basis of your knowledge, when you knew that something you did was right or wrong, good or bad, wise or foolish. Or, perhaps still, you remain clueless as to how or why you knew something. You just felt it.  In my first two essays, I examined two characteristics— Patience and Gratitude, that should be present in all healthy marriages and long-term partnerships. Like the first two essays,  I will continue here to use concepts found in economic theory to illustrate how human relationships mirror financial markets.  I believe the term— intuition has broad application and should be seen as a utility in helping to resolve differences far beyond economics. I will now turn to the third characteristic, “Intuition”.

There are many variables that influence our decisions in the realm of personal finance. Reason and emotion are two such variables that take turns convincing us of one thing or another. They are not enemies as some would have us believe, but collaborators. Each is dependent on the other. They are not mutually exclusive. If they were we would all be automatons or emotional illiterates. Reason and Emotion in healthy persons seek a balanced approach to knowing. They serve as tools that help us improve our effectiveness in resolving complex problems when few rules or objective guidelines exist. 

When learning macroeconomics, I was taught what happened to interest rates when certain things shocked an economy. But, when I had to draw graphs and solve equations to work out the answer, intuition became a bit of a misnomer. Problems that do not benefit from intuition are ones that have clear objective criteria, rules, and lots of data with which to perform an analysis. Classic economic models rely on an objective framework to compare and contrast human behavior under conditions both favorable and unfavorable that predict how people will respond to what they observe. Most models generally don’t offer a process or method to solve real-life problems. Therefore, my goal here is simply to illustrate how intuition plays a significant role in the emotional health of marriages and long-term partnerships.  I have defined intuition for this essay as— The ability to understand something instinctively without the need for conscious reasoning  (Sutton 2020).

What I have learned from working with couples is that it takes a very long time to develop accurate intuitive judgments. According to the research 10 years of repetition and feedback. This may explain why if a marriage or partnership can reach the 10-year mark, the likelihood of a lifetime investment is greatly increased. For intuition to fully develop requires that couples repeatedly engage in making decisions about what is effective or ineffective related to their investments in each other’s lives and receive accurate feedback on whether those investment decisions made for oneself, or their partner are profitable. Over time partners learn to recognize the most important signals both verbal and non-verbal that each sends to the other, ignoring irrelevant information. When these observations are identified and openly discussed, couples can begin resolving problems that interfere with their communication accurately and in intuitive ways.

Psychological theory tells us that feelings are important and essential. And that couples sometimes make decisions that are implicit or not directly expressed to their partner. Adam Smith in 1759 introduced the phrase “ The Invisible Hand” as a metaphor for unseen forces that move the free market economy. The concept says that free markets will determine an equilibrium in the supply and demand for goods, simply by following their self-interest. That is consumers and firms can create an efficient allocation of resources for the whole society. 

I believe this term is of limited value when applied to marriage and long-term partnerships, but I wish to stretch the definition in a way that may help to make my point. In marriage and long-term partnerships, couples make decisions about what on the surface would be the most desirable outcomes for their relationship. These decisions as previously stated are often a combination of repetitive practices in addition to how certain decisions made them feel, along with their associated outcomes. In healthy relationships, this says that any harmful or vindictive decision taken against my partner is a violation of their investment in me as their trusted partner. The logic goes something like this— what benefits me should benefit my partner and what benefits my partner should benefit me. This line of reasoning forms the basis of our intuitive process and implies that within a relationship self-interest should translate to good decisions that maximize the quality of the relationship for both partners. Assuming that spouses and partners have defined what they expect from and want from the other and have negotiated what each is willing to invest to meet those expectations, the relationship thrives. While there may be disagreements and issues that threaten the equilibrium of the exchange of goods and services, the relationship is usually able to withstand most threats, that if left unchecked would otherwise lead to a crash.

Intuition is comprised of three variables: Time, Pressure, and learned Heuristics (rules of thumb). First, Time is often required for learning. ( i.e., What happens when I do A-B-C… Z ?). Second, Pressure requires that some decision be made in a short period of time that lacks reliable real-time data for which to make one. And Third, Heuristics (general knowledge) requires that I use mental shortcuts to make general assumptions about decisions that would be too complex for lengthy analysis.  (Locke 2020)

 Each of these conditions inherently poses some risks when used exclusively for making decisions that have long-term consequences and could lead to errors for couples that use them to solve problems of a gravitas nature.  But what happens when we ignore certain feelings, that interfere with communication, or fail to communicate those feelings to our partners, and spouses?

Last year I came across an article that describes what I believe is the root cause of failed markets, or for our purposes failure in marriages and long-term partnerships. The article says that failure in committed relationships occurs when our partners block us when we try to articulate how we feel, fail to listen or acknowledge how certain things impacting the relationship matter to us. 

“The real reason for break up lies in one or both spouse’s sense that they have not been heard that something important to them has been disregarded, that their point of view has not, at a fundamental level, been acknowledged or honoured. It doesn’t matter what the subject of this non-hearing happens to be: it could be that they haven’t been heard about their views on money, or on the way the children are being brought up, or on how their weekends should be managed, or on how intimacy occurs or doesn’t occur. It’s feeling unheard for our differences that is unbearable; it’s never the presence of differences per se. . . There’s a big difference between a partner not doing what we want and a partner not hearing what we want. It’s entirely possible that one would remain with someone who doesn’t share most of our interests— so long as they happen to accept and signal an understanding of how much these interests matter to us. . . We just need to make sure that we are people who listen; who when the partner has something very important they need to get across to us, can bear to take things on board, can bear to acknowledge an opposite position, can bear to say: ‘I can see this matters a lot to you… and I will try my hardest to think about it and see what I can do about it. From here, it really doesn’t matter if things radically change or not; the vital work will have been done— and the relationship will have been assured.”  (School of Life 2022).

This ability to take on differences not shared by our partner requires patience, gratitude, and intuition. It requires that we explore the reasons those differences exist in the first place, and whether those expressed differences will place a burden on the relationship that is untenable.

Intuition is a form of information processing distinct from analytical reasoning. The latter is slow and methodical, while the former is automatic and quick. While intuitive processes are often developed without conscious awareness, I do believe they can be enhanced. Counseling Psychologist Claire Vowell, Ph.D. notes— “Non-verbal decoding or the reading of body language plays a vital role in intuitive processing. Not only do we read other people’s non-verbal cues to make judgments, but we are also constantly communicating our own internal state, usually without conscious attention.” 

In a known economy, some investors become complacent. They rely only on their observed verbal and visual cues of the market. However, what these investors overlook are the emotions that are not seen or heard explicitly. It’s these implicit emotions that drive investor behavior. 

In marriage and long-term partnerships, verbal and non-verbal cues form the basis of what we may know about our partner. Oftentimes these are good indicators and predictors of what will happen next. Particularly when the same cues reoccur over time in similar contexts. However, the danger comes when we observe such behaviors without examining their origin or the thoughts underlying the behavior. It’s possible to assume the reason why certain behaviors reoccur without ever getting to the beliefs that precipitate what we observe.

As I sometimes explain to my therapy clients, the conflict is more than what you see and hear, it’s more about what each partner feels and whether they can acknowledge or articulate those feelings within themself to their partner during times of disagreement, and whether those feelings are understood and acknowledged by their partner. This phenomenon within couples’ work is seen in the following fictional example.

Len and Liz have been married for 4 years but are now contemplating separating. They met while performing volunteer work overseas. They dated for about a year prior to marriage. Both report experiencing dissatisfaction within their relationship that began shortly after they married and involved frequent verbal conflict, resentment related to financial priorities, and a physical lack of intimacy. Len reported believing that Liz did not value his role in the relationship, which caused him to become discouraged due to his belief that he was undervalued and dismissed. Len complained that Liz did not consult with him when she made major purchases or when making plans with friends and family. Liz described Len as unforgiving and easily angered. She expressed that Len held deep resentment toward her stemming from his own family-of-origin experiences and was discouraged because she couldn’t be herself in the relationship because she desired to avoid conflict with Len. Liz reported her parents as perfectionists, and that they imposed high expectations on her regarding her appearance, academics, and some social situations. Liz said that she often felt as if she had no voice, indicating that her parents would dismiss her opinions and emotions, especially when these feelings and opinions were at odds with theirs. She accused her father of preferring her older brother to her and that she could never live up to her parents’ high standards. Liz, as a young adult during college and after graduating, sought out friends who were successful and whom she believed would elevate her own sense of identity. She later came to the realization that these friendships were not emotionally nourishing and sought friendships with persons that were more emotionally available. Her beliefs of inferiority led to increased anxiety and dissatisfaction with her weight and general appearance. She became preoccupied with compulsive cleaning and excessive worry about her appearance. When she felt unable to maintain these self-imposed standards or when Len failed to acknowledge them, she would become depressed and verbally withdrawn.

Len reported that his parents divorced when he was about 9 years old and that he remembers that his father was rarely at home. And when he was at home, he was intoxicated and asleep. Len’s mother worked in a food processing plant with rotating shifts. She was gone a lot and Len and his younger sister were often left to fend for themselves. Len remembers that while his mother worked hard, she was cold and bitter, often criticizing him for not being more responsible with completing household chores and looking after his sister. Len said that his mother’s lack of availability and his father’s absence contributed to his reluctance to seek the support of others during times of hardship. Len said that he felt unable to openly state his needs or express opinions within his family system. Len, as a young adult after college, became a business consultant for a small non-profit organization. He liked his job and was well-liked by his colleagues, but attempted to avoid getting close to them on a professional level because he feared becoming vulnerable. And, that others in the organization with more seniority would take advantage of him or attempt to downplay his achievements. As a result, he would often withdraw and become depressed, preferring to work independently and from a distance. The periods of withdrawal contributed to Len’s own use of alcohol at times to cope with work-related stress and to self-medicate depressive symptoms that further strained his relationship with Liz.

What we see in this fictional vignette is that both partners believe they are the recipient of unfair treatment by the other. Liz believes that her partner Len is unforgiving and easily angered. She claims that Len fails to acknowledge her efforts in the marriage and therefore blames him for failing to meet her needs to be affirmed and accepted for who she is. Len too believes his wife Liz does her own thing and fails to consult with him on matters he believes he should have input, and therefore feels devalued. Both express anxiety on certain occasions and become mildly depressed when communication breaks down. 

Two things are required of both partners at this point if they are to address the underlying drivers of their reactive behaviors. Therapy with this couple is best done by helping Len and Liz become self-aware of their underlying emotions and better equipped to learn how to be responsive and not reactive to what they are feeling through exercises that focus on self-management. Intuition requires that there be a shared knowledge of oneself and one’s partner. And, most importantly how to articulate this shared knowledge in ways that heal and strengthen their connection with each other. This process of restoration yields gross revenues for vested partners. The process itself begins with identifying types of emotions that trigger a thought or an emotional response. Len and Liz must learn to identify certain types of emotions (responsive vs. reactive emotions) that occur when disagreements begin to show themselves. Once they are able to differentiate types of emotions that trigger specific thoughts or behaviors, they must trace the origin of these emotions and expressions to the purpose these emotions and expressions served when they first appeared.

All couples in long-term commitments regardless of whether they are experiencing conflicts in their communication or not must learn what in the present, they are unaware of. This lack of awareness is often difficult to accept. As humans, we pride ourselves on being knowledgeable and keeping score. Particularly if we’ve experienced adverse consequences for failing to do otherwise. The process of becoming more intuitive requires couples to unlearn some of what they think they know. And, to discover why their thoughts generate powerful emotions that are expressed in ways that either help the relationship grow stronger and more resistant to destructive forces or serve to weaken it and the emotional and physical bonds that enable stability.

The process of becoming more intuitive involves some risks because it requires a willingness for partners to be fully known, and bear the discomfort and vulnerability associated with exploring how to reinvest in their relationship in ways that promote satisfaction and sustainable growth.

7 Key Points to Remember:

• Economic Intuition is a way of thinking and should be seen as a utility in helping us to resolve differences far beyond economics.

• Problems that do not benefit from intuition are ones that have clear objective criteria, rules, and lots of data.

• Intuition plays a significant role in the emotional health of marriages and long-term partnerships.

• Failure in committed relationships occurs when we fail to listen or acknowledge how certain things impacting the relationship matter to us.

• Non-verbal decoding or the reading of body language plays a vital role in intuitive processing.

• All couples in long-term commitments must learn what in the present they are unaware of.

• The process of becoming more intuitive involves some risks because it requires a willingness for partners to be fully known.

In the fourth and final essay, I will explore what it means to be teachable. And how without being teachable your best efforts to preserve your marriage or long-term partnership will likely fail.

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References:

Jeremy  Sutton, “What Is Intuition and Why Is It Important? 5 Examples.”  Positive Psychology, https://positivepsychology.com/intuition/#:~:text=Intuition%20is%20that%20feeling%20in,or%20fear%2C%20in%20another's%20face,  August 27, 2020.

 Connson Chou Locke,  “When It’s Safe to Rely on Intuition: and When It’s Not.” Harvard Business Review, https://hbr.org/2015/04/when-its-safe-to-rely-on-intuition-and-when-its-not, 

April 30, 2015.

“Why Some Couples Last and Some Don’t.” The School of Life,  https://www.theschooloflife.com/article/why-some-couples-last-and-some-dont/, February 23, 2022.