Market Economics: Teachable

Photo by Brett Jordan

By Sterling M. Hawkins, MSW, LCSW-C, LICSW

“You can be shaped, or you can be broken. There is not much in between. Try to learn from everybody, especially those who fail.”

—David Foster Wallace

In my previous three essays, I used concepts found in economic theory to illustrate how human relationships mirror financial markets. I will continue that theme here as I examine the fourth and final characteristic of a healthy marriage or long-term partnership— being Teachable.

At its core being teachable is simply admitting that you have more to learn. I can never remember a time when I felt that I had learned all I needed to know about things germane to living a meaningful life. There is always some unknown fact or tidbit of knowledge related to someone or some thing that I find helpful after learning about it. Things which in the beginning appeared finite and limited in scope, but upon deeper inquiry and observation were found to be rich with meaning. Like when a few interesting trees become a forest to be discovered. Being teachable has more to do with your approach to learning rather than the accumulation of knowledge through formal education. I have chosen a simple definition for being Teachable— The ability and willingness to learn by instruction.

In a market economy, there are many things we need to learn if we are to become financially wise. How you learn things is primarily up to you. When I was young my father used to say that experience is the best teacher. And, he was correct. But, experience without being teachable is not enough. All knowledge comes at a price. And, we each must calculate what we are willing to pay. We all learn things late in life. And, most come to value foresight over hindsight.

For me being teachable has shortened the negative impact of failure. It has caused me to accept that I will often miss things at first glance, or minimize the importance of what I learn until I have suffered the consequences of being unable to apply it much later when it becomes essential for me to know.

In marriage and long-term partnerships being teachable is a virtue. The concept of learning about oneself and from one’s partner is often taken for granted. What I have learned from couples in therapy and from my own experience is that we leave too much up to chance. Left to itself in the beginning a relationship for a time may yield excellent returns on a couple’s investment in each other with little effort. This is often referred to as the “honeymoon” phase. In economics, the honeymoon phase is sometimes used to describe a time in which a special low-interest rate is offered for a short initial period before reverting to a standard rate for the remainder of the loan. The honeymoon period typically ranges from several months to a couple of years depending on the type of loan and the lender.

I believe this concept describes how most romantic commitments are often initiated. Couples are often attracted to each other because interest rates are affordable and the returns are generous. However, over time the standard rates return and they are paying more interest and wonder what they missed in the beginning and what they can do to avoid a possible recession. Being teachable says we will never know everything about our partner, but we must be willing to learn and accept that certain parts of us interfere with how we relate to our partners and the need to change and commit to working on those areas of our relationship that lead us toward conflict.

In the previous essay titled— Intuition, I presented a fictional couple, Len and Liz to illustrate how communication between partners is often influenced by thoughts and emotions that are linked to past histories. We learned that both Len and Liz had developed responses toward perceived indifference or actions that caused each to draw inaccurate conclusions about the other.

When we examine the couple’s communication we see that their conflict occurs primarily when they feel threatened, or insecure and they engage in what is commonly referred to as “protesting” behaviors, when one partner is pursuing the other in a negative way. Protesting is a natural response when one feels unsafe and vulnerable. These behaviors are typically characterized as Blaming, Demanding, Clinging, Nagging, or Controlling. Couples engage in these types of behaviors when they are desperate to get their partner’s response.

The corresponding and opposite behavior we observe in communication between couples is when one partner withdraws. Similar to protesting, withdrawing is a natural response and occurs when experience has taught you to be guarded with your feelings to avoid difficult interactions that you believe will make things worse. Some examples of Withdrawing behaviors are Appeasing, Placating, Minimizing, Avoiding, or Not Responding.

In relationships, both partners approach one another in one of these two ways. While there may be some variation, each is likely to have a preferred style of managing conflict that will be more prominent. You can also see this play out when both partners engage in similar behaviors. Some couples exhibit only protesting, while others only withdrawal behaviors. These behaviors are ways in which the couple has learned to manage vulnerable feelings that are evoked by a real or imagined threat.

Let’s pick up where we left off, and learn more about Len and Liz and their negative cycle of communication and what interventions may help them to improve.

Both Len and Liz are byproducts of their families of origin. Len was forced to take on parental responsibilities as a child and resented that both of his parents were unavailable for him growing up. He learned to cope by being guarded with feelings that could subject him to criticism or scrutiny from confrontations with his mother. He learned from his father’s absence and alcoholism that others couldn’t be trusted to fulfill their responsibilities. These learned coping strategies were carried into adulthood and now are playing out in his marriage with Liz. He views Liz as blaming and controlling, and similar to when he was a child, he withdraws to avoid conflict with her in the same way he withdrew from his mother. Len however is unconscious of these behaviors that over the years have become autonomic and a hard-wired means of survival.

Liz learned at a young age that in order to gain her parents’ affection she must achieve superiority in areas valued by them. Social class and distinction were well-defined. She was graded on her achievements as compared with those of her peers and expected to measure up. She struggled to be herself and make decisions without the scrutiny of her parents who often disapproved of her ideas and desires. Liz also learned that a life built on living in the shadow of her parents who were both accomplished professionals, her father, a concert musician, and her mother a playwright for a large theater company would leave her shallow and unfulfilled. It was a form of rebellion that led her to travel overseas and work with a humanitarian organization for a couple of years before returning to the States and continuing her work with refugees against her parent’s wishes. Liz in ways similar to Len was attempting to redefine what she wanted for herself and in marriage. Many of the lessons growing up for this couple failed to prepare them for the type of knowledge they would need to navigate the complex emotions evoked in a marriage relationship.

This couple engages in negative thinking about each other which provides them with a means of escaping more vulnerable feelings such as shame, disappointment, discouragement, and loneliness. These are their primary or responsive emotions that lead to expressive or reactive behaviors designed to protect or self-soothe. The very thing Liz does to cope with her insecurities (making decisions without consulting Len and minimizing their financial priorities) triggers anger, defensiveness, and withdrawal in Len. The couple’s reactive behaviors aimed against the other perpetuate the cycle of distress.

What may prove helpful in the beginning is for the therapist working with Len and Liz to identify ways in which anger and resentment that are expressed in different ways by each partner often hide more vulnerable emotions like shame, disappointment, and loneliness. Clinical Psychologist and author Dr. Sue Johnson in her book— Hold Me Tight writes that couples in marriage and long-term partnerships seek three basic things:

Accessibility— staying open to your partner even when you have doubts and feel insecure. It means taking a step back and attempting to identify their primary emotions and attachment needs.

Responsiveness—responding to your partner’s primary emotions— (fear, surprise, anger, sadness, shame, joy)

Engagement—remaining engaged and signaling to your partner’s need to be valued and trusted. (Johnson 2008))

Good therapeutic approaches in the end should allow Len and Liz to begin to see and feel things that they were blind and numb to prior to beginning therapy. When the deeper experience of the couple’s criticism is identified, core sadness and loneliness in the relationship are revealed. (“You don’t value my contribution to the marriage, You never consult with me for purchases over our budget.”), often pushes the distant partner even further away. Similarly, partners who withdraw typically reveal fear of disappointing or failing, which is also very painful, and underlies their problem-solving, placating, and eventual withdrawal. Unfortunately, this approach will typically reinforce alienation and evoke more criticism. And so the cycle will feed on itself until the partners begin to share their core sadness and fears, opening up the possibility of new experiences and responses. (Kallos-Lilly, Fitzgerald 2015)

Therapy alone however cannot help Len or Liz unless they are both teachable. What teachability will look like depends on a number of variables and approaches that I am unable to unpack here. But one thing should be evident regardless— Being teachable means that I am able to admit failure and let go of my need to always be right. Genuine humility is a relational skill that never grows old and communicates that I don’t have to win the argument or have the last word. It is a skill because it rarely happens. on its own. It requires repeated effort or practice and is not often reciprocated. Historian, Drew Gilpin Faust, I believe captures best what it means to become teachable. She writes— “You must open yourself up to the notion that you have a lot to learn, that what you do not know is close to infinite. A sense of ignorance fuels the desire to overcome it. Humility is a prerequisite for becoming educated.”

Becoming educated for most of us means that in doing so we will make mistakes and fail in our efforts. In a committed relationship, there will be times when we think we know everything we need to know about our partner or our circumstances. At other times we will feel hampered by disbelief, injury, and insult. But we must always seek to learn more about the options that exist to help us with challenges in communication and in sharing our lives with those we love.

There are a number of resources on the market that can help you learn more about yourself and your partner. If you’ve ever met with a financial planner to discuss investment options, it’s likely that at some point during the discussion, the planner indicated that in order to get to know your risk tolerance they would like to administer a test involving a series of questions to better learn your perspectives on money, and factors that influence your spending and saving habits. The planner will then use these results to create an investment plan tailored to your personal traits for financial decision-making.

In the field of mental health, social workers, psychologists, and counselors also use tests to better understand their clients. And to help clients better understand themselves and those they are in a relationship with.

Some of the most popular personality tests used by mental health providers are: Big Five Inventory (BFI), Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), and the Eysenck Personality Questionnaire (EPQ) to name a few. Each of these tests are designed to measure different aspects of personality.

These tests are simply guide posts or snapshots that may help explain how we think and what influences our thoughts and behaviors. They may provide additional therapeutic insight for things not previously considered. They should never be reviewed in the absence of other data.

Over the years, I have spent a lot of time thinking about relationships in general, what truly matters, and how to develop and sustain the type of commitments that most of us want. Patience, gratitude, and intuition all are essential. Being teachable however, is what allows couples to experience the relational growth that results in permanent and positive change.

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References:

Sue Johnson, Hold Me Tight. (New York, NY: Little Brown, 2008), 49-50

Veronica Kallos-Lilly and Jennifer Fitzgerald, An Emotionally Focused Workbook for Couples. (New York, NY: Routledge, 2015), 39