Drive: Finding Fuel With An Empty Tank

Photo by Patrick Hendry

By Sterling Hawkins, MSW, LCSW-C, LICSW

Several nights ago I watched the Netflix documentary “14 Peaks: the quest to climb the world’s highest mountains in less than a year.” The film was released in November and chronicles the expedition of Nirmal Purja, a 38-year-old Nepali, mountain climber, former British Army Gurka, and Special Forces officer who embarks on a seemingly impossible quest to summit all fourteen of the world’s 8,000-meter peaks in seven months.

A newcomer to the world of high altitude climbing, Nirmal, who goes by Nims for short, discovered his love for climbing in 2012 when making a trek to Mt. Everest while on military leave. Against his family’s urging to remain in the military, Nims left military service and began seeking sponsorship to complete his mission to focus the attention of the world on the Nepalese Sherpa community. The Sherpas serve as elite guides and expert explorers and earn their living hosting expeditions for mountain climbers who come from around the world to the Himalayas to test their skill and endurance against the most majestic and deadliest mountains on the planet. Sherpas risk their lives each year, are underpaid, and lack recognition within the international climbing community. Nim’s expedition sought to change this by highlighting the invaluable service Sherpas provide to climbers at all skill levels.

The expedition, dubbed “Project Possible.” becomes a catchphrase for every obstacle and challenge Nims and his team face throughout the mission. Nims set 6 world records while completing this project and successfully accomplished what most in the climbing community said was impossible. Nims says “It’s about achieving the impossible in life, you just need to have a vision.”

As I reflected on this documentary, I asked myself the following questions: What keeps me going when I’m emotionally and physically drained? And, is it possible for me to refuel, recharge, and refresh while completing my own objectives? 2021 has required each of us to dig deep mentally and tap into our physical and emotional reserves in unique ways we are unaccustomed to. As I pondered these questions I identified three things that have helped me this year and thought I would share them with you as we approach 2022.

Acknowledge the Challenge

Before setting out on any mission you first have to decide what the mission is going to be and determine if you have the tools and resources needed to accomplish your goals. Perhaps you are already involved in a project or on a mission that has stalled, and you desperately need the motivation or essential resources to complete your mission successfully. In the film, the first thing Nims does is examine what he wants to do. He answers the question “what” before he attempts to answer the question of ‘how”. If we’re honest, most of us spend far too little time thinking about what it is we wish to accomplish at the micro-level. Looking at your tasks incrementally before you initiate them will help you to identify the best methods to navigate obstacles and avoid burnout or failure.

Embrace your Vulnerability

The second thing you can do to increase mental and physical stamina on any given task is to embrace your vulnerability. What this means simply is that you accept certain limitations as non-negotiable while leveraging your resources and strengths toward those aspects of the project that will yield the best returns for the amount of effort you put forth. What this looks like will depend a lot on your personality type and what methods you apply in solving specific problems that you encounter in the process. Nims is very ambitious and an over-achiever by nature who had already accomplished a rather impressive track record while serving in the Special Forces of the British Navy. He was no stranger to what others called impossible. In 14 Peaks Nims was simply facing new challenges that required him to assess what he thought was possible using his own definitions while not allowing others to completely define what they believed he should or shouldn’t attempt as it related to the mission.

An example of this was Nim’s decision to use oxygen when climbing at an altitude above 26,000 feet, referred to by climbers as the “death zone” where the lack of oxygen can quickly cause what is known as altitude sickness, which can result in headache, nausea, vomiting, rapid heart rate and if left untreated, death. There is a decades-long debate about using oxygen when climbing at altitudes above 26,000 feet among purists in the climbing community. Nims made the decision early to climb with bottled oxygen to ensure that his efforts were not compromised by the unexpected. Altitude sickness can occur at any time on any high-altitude climb. Even among professional climbers. Therefore, Nims chose to use oxygen, so as to not jeopardize the mission or the members of his Team. Besides, he had nothing to prove. Two years earlier he had climbed and summited K2 without the use of oxygen. The decision to use oxygen on this mission allowed Nims to lead while maintaining his pace with the rest of the team.

Build a Support Network

This I believe is the most important of the three strategies. When we build a support network it enables us to remain objective by giving us a panoramic view of whatever we are attempting, by allowing us to harness the collective wisdom of others who may approach circumstances and situations differently than we would. And, by enhancing our options and increasing our intellectual and emotional capacity we are able to endure and push through roadblocks and challenges that could sabotage our mission. Attempting any challenge in life that poses a high risk requires you to face the possibility of undesirable outcomes. The recognition of failure, loss, and even death is a reality and an occupational hazard for some. For others, it is a chosen lifestyle. For those who risk their lives because it is their job and those who risk their lives for sport, the same dynamic is at work. Each is motivated by the desire to overcome challenges and excel in what they do. In the scientific community, this phenomenon is referred to as “hormesis” and is defined as the adaptive response of cells and organisms to moderate and intermittent stress. In laymen’s terms, something that could significantly impair or even kill you in high doses can make you stronger in low doses. If we apply this biological concept to everyday lives, in our work, in our family life, or in recreational activities, theoretically we should improve and grow stronger over time.

So what does this have to do with building a support network? Everything. Having a support network is like having a testing ground. It enables you to try new things take calculated risks you would be unable to take if you were trying something new on your own. Most importantly, a support network or team creates a safety net that allows you to grow, adapt, change, and develop your skillset. One of the side-effects of growth involves feelings of uncertainty, anxiety, and just plain fear.

During the filming of 14 Peaks, Nims is asked what made him different from others unwilling to attempt this type of expedition? His answer surprised me. he answered-- “I have no fear.” I turned this over in my mind baffled, but think I now understand what he means. What he was saying I believe is that he has respect for the forces in nature that could kill him and would not focus on those forces in a vacuum. He would rely on the knowledge and expertise of each personally handpicked team member to supplement his own knowledge deficits to make what seemed impossible, possible.

New York Times columnist, Carl Richards, several years ago wrote about the feeling of being in, just a little over his head as a source of motivation in his work. He wrote that while it seems counterintuitive— “there’s something about a sink or swim environment that excites me.” And, that trying new things often forces you to face a steep learning curve. The very act of taking on something new helps us to become better at work overall. He emphasizes that this approach requires moderation. He writes— “you can’t spend your whole life in the deep end, as this is a recipe for drowning. Muscles get tired. So just like physical exercise, you have to take breaks. You have to calibrate the stress and rest cycle of any entrepreneurial or creative work. He concludes that the tangible benefits that come from stepping outside our comfort zone, is that you can become more excited about your work which is a surefire way to improve performance.

To conclude, recognizing your need for fuel in daily life involves each of these practices: Acknowledging your challenges, Embracing your vulnerabilities, and Building a support network. Your need for fuel in daily life may be less challenging than it was for Nims and his team, but no less important. Recognition for most of us requires us to acknowledge and accept what our physical body most needs. Simply planning to get a good night’s sleep and to exercise. Or, stopping to eat lunch. We must fight the temptation to skip or defer these health practices. Rest, exercise and nutrition increase your body’s immune response and fuel efficiency by giving it what it needs to run longer without the need for chemical stimulants and energy boosters. This by far is the best way to guarantee you never run on empty. A good support network can help build accountability between its members and ensure that everyone is working to overcome the mental and physical challenges that result from working on lengthy projects that come with inevitable setbacks and risks.

Running out of fuel for high-altitude climbers means more than fueling to meet a deadline, delivering a product or service on time, or losing to other competitors. Running out of fuel could literally cost them their life. Building reserve and maintaining it involves continual conservation of your physical, mental, and emotional energy. You have to decide what’s best and remember what things have made it difficult for you in the past, causing you to become apathetic or disillusioned with your objectives. Fuel economy whatever your mission involves each of these three elements and more. Make them a part of your pre-check list before beginning your next project.

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References:

Clarke, G., Jones, T. (2021, November 29 ) 14 Peaks: Nothing Is Impossible. Retrieved from https://www.netflix.com/title/81464765

Lawrence, A. (2021, December 3). 14 Peaks: the quest to climb the world’s highest mountains in less than a year. The Guardian. https://www.theguardian.com/sport/2021/dec/03/nirmal-purja-mountaineer-14-peaks-documentary

Richards, C. (2016) The Paradox of Finding Motivation Through Fear.  New York Times.  Retrieved on 4 December 2021. Available https://www.nytimes.com/2016/04/12/your-money/the-paradox-of-finding-motivation-through-fear.html

All That is Not A Ladder Falls Away

By Sterling Hawkins, MSW, LCSW-C, LICSW

In March, we reached the one-year mark of living through the Pandemic. In a state of uncertainty when the lives of thousands were lost during the initial spread of Covid, I found myself thinking about letting go. Less than a year earlier I had sifted through the remaining contents of my mother’s personal effects after my wife and I had cleaned out my mom’s studio apartment following her death. Those items that survived the first purge ended up in my basement. The photographs, books, kitchen utensils along with her personal files, linens, towels, and other items. After sifting through photographs and old funeral programs of other deceased family members and friends, some I filed neatly away. These were items I wanted to keep because they preserved the memory of the person. A similar event occurred in 2005 after my father’s death. And, before that in 1998 after my grandmother’s death. The process of discovery, discarding, and donating items enabled me to create emotional bookmarks and helped me to detach from things that served no practical or emotional need other than it was owned by a family member now deceased.

Over the past year, I’ve reflected on these events and my own accumulation of stuff that I now consider non-essential. Back in March, I stumbled across an article in the New Yorker Magazine by Ann Patchett titled “ How to Practice.” In the article the author tells the story of her own journey into discovery, discarding, and donating that was prompted by the death of Kenneth who was the father of her closest childhood friend, and how this served as an inspiration to reassess her attachment to some of her own possessions and let them go. Patchett describes the attachments we forge with things over time and how many of those attachments in the end no longer serve to define us in the way we want to be known.

In thinking about ” How to Practice” I’m reminded of the awkwardness often felt when examining the accumulation of things that are far removed from our daily existence. “Bookmarks” as I often refer to them or “snapshots”, represent a part of the past, evoking pleasant and sometimes painful memories. I believe Patchett in describing her experience reminds us of several things when reflecting on our relationship with personal possessions.

• Our life is a collection of the things that define us but often these things along with their definitions change over time.

Most of what we possess is useful only for a limited time. We form attachments to objects in a similar way we do with people. We spend time with our things. Clothing universally is something that we can become attached to. I remember owning a full-length salt and pepper tweed coat that I purchased at a second-hand thrift shop as a college student. The look and feel of it made me want to wear it, whenever the temperature dipped below fifty degrees. And, wear it I did for many years long after under-grad and graduate school I still had the coat and even obtained a piece of silk to hand-sew a new lining. Eventually, the exterior became shabby with age forcing me to accept the fact that the coat had served me well but needed to be let go as seams separated and buttonholes widened from frequent wear. This was not the only winter coat I owned. However, it was the only one that I felt attached to.

• Who will want what we leave behind after our death?

In the article, Patchett recounts how Kenneth the father of her friend left detailed instructions regarding those items he willed to family and friends. “Tavia got the fourteen-inch All-Clad covered saute’ pan, Therese got the extensive collection of light bulbs, Tavia got the blue wool blanket, Therese got the midsize dehumidifier. The list went on and on: art, artifacts, household supplies. Since neither Tavia nor Therese [Kenneth’s daughters] had space for more than a few mementos, they decided to sell most of their inheritance and split the proceeds equally.” I believe we each must accept the fact that sometimes we over-inflate the value of the things we own. Perhaps not intentionally, but because it somehow serves to satisfy our need to preserve their value even after we’re no longer around to celebrate the original joy we received from owning them. Often, such items hold only a sentimental value that is personal, and one that is rarely transferrable.

• Imagining one’s own death as a spiritual practice to detach from possessions that no longer define us.

I’m reflecting on my history and my attachment to things I’ve collected over the years that hold some sentimental value, but mainly take up space. These items have no monetary value. The few items that do, I have contemplated placing on Craig’s List just to ease my conscience for reasons like Tavia and Therese wanting to exchange them for money that I can use to buy something else more relevant to my present life. I sit and look at old books that line my shelves written by little-known authors whose names I’ve forgotten. Incomplete sets of china and a few paintings by artists passed down and lost to antiquity. Files of papers from classes I enjoyed writing as a student that survived multiple moves cross country, and posters from my teenage years that remain secure in a mailing tube. Imagining that I will relinquish such attachments when I die forces me to accept that these things hold meaning only because I have attached meaning to them. If this sounds familiar, questions we should be asking ourselves are: Do I feel burdened by keeping these items? If your answer is yes it’s important to know why you feel this and what type of burden is placed on you. Do these items limit the physical or emotional enjoyment of your living environment (home or work)? Why do I feel the need to keep certain items? And, would I feel shame or a sense of betrayal towards someone for relinquishing items given to me by another person even if they are no longer alive or connected to my present life? Do I feel the need to keep things because of the good memories attached to them? And, finally, Do I use or display these possessions often enough to make keeping them worthwhile? Answering such questions while acknowledging our eventual death weakens the bonds our possessions have on us. In letting go, we accept the natural progression of time and that our relationship with the things we own often changes along with us.

• Embracing the emotional fallout of letting go.

The process of detaching from items we own is ladened with emotion. Emotions we are unaccustomed to feeling and ill-prepared to navigate as we begin the complex process of letting go. Patchett writes, “ I started in the kitchen, a room that’s friendly and overly familiar. . . I filled the laundry basket with the things I didn’t want or need and carried those discards to the basement. I made the decision to wait until we’d finished with the entire house before trying to find a place for things we were getting rid of. This was a lesson I’d picked up from my work: writing must be separate from editing, and if you try to do both at the same time nothing will get done. . . What I had didn’t surprise me half as much as how I felt about it: the unexpected shame that came from owning seven mixing bowls, the guilt over never having made good use of the electric juicer my mother had given me, and strangest of all, my anthropomorphism of inanimate objects.”

In this instance, I believe Patchett’s self-assessment is not so strange and that thinking of objects as possessing human traits is linked to a greater tendency to acquire and save things. People who have emotional attachments of this type might feel responsible for their possessions, particularly when given by a loved one, where they see them as objects that have been entrusted to them as caretakers.

The strong attachments, we form with things are often endowed with qualities that are rooted in our imagination of what we want them to be and not necessarily what they are. We create stories both real and imagined about those objects and their relationship to us and to other people and places. All of these things combine to create a powerful narrative where we find it difficult to write the final chapter. It’s the process of writing this epilogue to complete the narrative, and the myriad of stories we create for our possessions that makes letting go so painful.

• Tools for transitioning into Adulthood.

Children often get attached to objects. It’s not uncommon for some children to have a favorite toy, a blanket, or stuffed animal. For these kids, those objects represent much more than the material from which they are made, but something that signals safety and reminds them of the person who gave it to them. As we age however according to Dr. Kiara Timpano an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Miami, the immediate need for those objects often declines, but that doesn’t mean that the attachment to them declines. “When a kid grows up, he might not need his teddy bear to calm him during a thunderstorm, but that doesn’t mean it’s not still important to him. It may be important because of the history and memories it represents, and because it’s been in his life for so long that it serves as an extension of himself.”

Patchett in describing her experience in detaching from a house filled with memorable objects writes- “I had miscalculated the tools of adulthood when I was young or had I miscalculated the kind of adult I would be.” This seemingly innocent reflection on her part creates a paradox that many of us face as we age. We often become someone different than who we imagined ourselves to be when we were young.

I agree with Patchett’s observation but question whether we truly “miscalculate” the tools of adulthood. I think what more accurately occurs is that objects that tend to be associated with a particular phase of life are carried with us past the point where they serve the practical needs associated with that particular developmental phase as was noted by Timpano.

Though attachment to objects seems universally human, people vary widely in what they get attached to and why. Researchers Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, Ph.D., and Eugene Halton, Ph.D. in their book— “The Meaning of Things: Domestic symbols and the self” said that there are differences of age and gender regarding the things we get attached to. During his interviews, from the 1970s, he noted that men were more likely to pick objects related to hobbies, while women often chose family heirlooms. And, older people tended to point out photos, while teenagers more frequently chose electronics. In the Forty years since that research was published, I believe little has changed. With these general categories, it’s easy to see how one can move throughout their life toward objects with ever-increasing attachments- from a distant observer to a casual interest to a hobby and finally a die-hard devotee.

The practice of letting go is a challenging one. And, it’s a task that most of us will confront at some point in adulthood. The challenge is that we must examine our relationship with our material things. Things that we associate with our identity and help to define who and what we are known for.

How to Practice: Patchett concludes is about “starting to get rid of my possessions, at least the useless ones, because possessions stood between me and death. They didn’t protect me from death, but they created a barrier in my understanding, like layers of bubble wrap, so that instead of thinking about what was coming and the beauty that was here now I was thinking about the piles of shiny trinkets I’d accumulated. I had begun the journey of digging out.” In this context, Patchett uses the term "practice" as a metaphor for spiritual discipline and preparation. And, as a reminder that each of us must practice and prepare for that time when it comes.

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References:

Beck, J. 2014, December 10). For The Love of Stuff https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/12/for-the-love-of-stuff/383592/

Patchett, A. (2021, July 22). How To Practice https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2021/03/08/how-to-practice

When life hurts

By Sterling Hawkins, MSW, LCSW-C, LICSW

It’s hard to talk about suffering without acknowledging that it is a deeply personal and subjective experience. Having spent many hours with people in the midst of suffering as well as experiencing my own grief, I have come to believe one thing. Suffering is unavoidable and how we suffer can either make us stronger or destroy us completely. My purpose in writing this article is not to quantify or compare the experience of those suffering but, to examine how suffering can and often does make us more genuine and tolerant. How do you handle suffering? This is a question that forces itself upon us. Our responses cover a vast array of emotions that either help or hurt us amid our suffering. Nassim Nicholas Taleb author of “Antifragile” believes that suffering at its best should make us stronger and better than if we had remained untouched by adversity. Whenever I suffer, I ask myself one question- “why”? Suffering’s design can provide us with enormous resources which allow us not just to endure suffering but to actually grow stronger through the experience. Suffering teaches us about who we are and how we process the material world and our relationship to it. 

Sociologist, Ron Anderson, Ph.D. in his book titled “Human Suffering and Quality of Life” Has developed a taxonomy of suffering, a framework that makes it easier to think about suffering and to measure it. He comments: “people think about suffering in very different ways depending upon their backgrounds in religion, local culture, and unique personal experiences.” He expands on this concept in the first chapter- Frames for Thinking About Suffering. In it, he identifies three types of suffering: Physical, Mental, and Social Suffering. Anderson draws some interesting parallels about how we think and experience suffering from a phenomenological perspective. He concludes in his first chapter on “Conceptualizing Human Pain and Suffering” that “Human suffering can only be fully understood from the accumulation of knowledge about its causes, context, and results. Suffering is so broad that knowledge is needed from many disciplines, including the humanities, social sciences, biological sciences, and professional health care. However, discerning the mutual interplay between suffering and the quality of life depends largely upon knowledge and tools from within social science research.”

This phenomenological perspective interests me as it relates to creating a sense of contentment, that equates with acceptance of one’s own life given our effort to avoid suffering. It’s difficult to define what makes suffering acceptable or tolerable, because of the unique personal experiences cited in the research literature which form the definition. Insulating factors such as feeling loved or acknowledged and supported while undergoing suffering increases tolerance for individual suffering. These insulating factors at times are elusive and may change over time. Given the limits of a single discipline to answer the question of why we suffer, I believe a philosophical understanding may be helpful when paired with cognitive-behavioral approaches to aid in mitigating the undesirable effects of one’s suffering experience. 

19th Century Philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860) believed that as humans, we live in a world of endless suffering. In his book “On the Suffering of the World” he writes “We are like lambs in the field, disporting themselves under the eye of the butcher, who chooses out first one and then another for his prey. So it is that our good days we are all unconscious of the evil Fate may have in store for us— sickness, poverty, mutilation, loss of sight, or reason. “ Schopenhauer was a pessimist and paints a terse sentiment of this life. He believed that the only way to find a tranquil and peaceful existence is to come to terms with a principle he referred to simply as “Will” a mindless, non-rational impulse at the foundation of our instinctual drives and fundamentally the foundational experience of life itself. 

Philosopher Fredrick Nietzche (1844-1900) like Schopenhauer rejected the idea of orthodox religion as a basis for determining the cause of suffering. He shared with Schopenhauer the belief that the world of individual existence is essentially a world of suffering, with one difference- that suffering was metaphysically necessary for us to conclude that there are other more valuable experiences to which suffering gives rise to. Nietzche nonetheless was not anti-religious. He simply saw religion as an important construct that can be used to address the problem of suffering. In other words, Nietzche believed the problem of suffering in the modern world was not about defending religious belief or explaining the existence of evil, but a matter of finding creative sources of meaning in a nihilistic world. He differed from Schopenhauer in that he was less accepting of what was observed in suffering and more interested in why suffering occurred. Nietzche saw the “Will” not as a mindless, non-rational impulse, but a force that could make suffering purposeful.

One of the keys to suffering well involves “Right-Thinking” which simply put is an ability to hold beliefs and opinions that are sensible, and that most others agree with. So, how does one engage in right-thinking? Starting with the idea that suffering is a natural consequence of living in a material world with normal bodies that become weak, and that fail, and function with less ease and precision than when they were young. And, that our minds and emotions are prone to conflict through miscalculations and misinterpretations of what we see and feel when observing our actions and the actions of others. 

Holocaust survivor and psychiatrist, the late Viktor Frankl in his book titled “Man’s Search for Meaning” observed the following- “The way in which a man accepts his fate and all the suffering it entails, the way in which he takes up his cross, gives him ample opportunity - even under the most difficult circumstances to add a deeper meaning to his life. It may remain brave, dignified, and unselfish. Or in the bitter fight for self-preservation, he may forget his human dignity and become no more than an animal. Here lies the chance for a man either to make use of or to forgo the opportunities of attaining the moral values that a difficult situation may afford him. And this decides whether he is worthy of his suffering or not. Such men are not only in concentration camps. Everywhere man is confronted with fate, with the chance of achieving something through his own suffering.” Frankl’s observation implies that there is a moral element and purpose to suffering, and accepting this may be the first step to resolve or at best ameliorate suffering’s worst effects. According to Frankl, who we become at the end of our suffering can be and often is redemptive. Consequently, the “why” so often posed while suffering expresses a desire for meaning rather than for an explanation.

Frank Ostaseski, co-founder of the Zen Hospice Project on Suffering writes- “Suffering is about perception and interpretation. It is our mental and emotional relationship to what is first perceived as an unpleasant or undesirable experience. Our stories and beliefs about what is happening or did happen shape our interpretation of it. When things don’t go according to plan, some people believe that they are helpless victims or that they ‘got what they deserved.’This leads to resignation and apathy. When we get caught in anxiety and worry about what might happen in the future, it can quickly proliferate into a web of fear that is not easily corralled. . . Suffering is falling in love and then becoming complacent. Suffering is not being able to connect with our children. . .Thinking that life is moving by too fast or too slow. Not getting what you want, getting what you don’t want, or getting what you want but fearing you will lose it—all of this is suffering. Sickness is suffering, old age is suffering, and so is dying.”  These are all types of suffering that most can relate to.

I’ve been learning how not to look at the condition of my life to reliably give me what I want for some time. Although, I still nostalgically relive periods in my life that were ideal and made me happy. I no longer believe that such conditions that occur throughout one’s life can be sustained no matter how great the effort. Yet, I can’t help but long for those ideal conditions to remain when they occur.

In the International Journal of Existential Psychology and Psychotherapy Louis Hoffman, Ph.D., and Janie Paige, B.A. discuss The Varieties of Suffering and their Clinical implications. They conclude that All emotions [even suffering] at their base are normal and potentially beneficial. Many psychological problems are rooted in the lack of acceptance of normal emotions, and that for many clients their difficulty in responding to normal emotions can create larger difficulties and more disruption to their life. They provide several examples of how this concept is observed that I will summarize.

Grief- is a normal reaction to loss yet there are forces in society that interfere with healthy grieving. Many who grieve losses are given messages from others: family, friends, religious leaders, and co-workers that discourage healthy grieving. Even in health care often medication is given to create a numbing effect. Returning to the emotion and engaging in the grieving process is an essential component in the move toward restoring psychological well-being.

Staying with Emotion- Research supports that when clients stay with their emotions and explore them, they can have a powerful and healing effect and allow individuals to develop insight into their emotional patterns. They do emphasize that for this type of therapy to be effective, assessing the client’s resiliency, support, and coping resources before engaging in such an intervention is essential.

The Interpersonal Emotions and Healing - After client factors, relational factors are the most important element in the healing process. Being in a relational context with a therapist who has developed the use of presence, empathy, and authenticity can in itself be healing and empower other therapeutic interventions making them more effective.

Creativity and Meaning- Diamonic influences are those emotions and thoughts that occur as something natural within the person who experiences them and have the potential to consume their whole personality. Emotions such as anxiety and anger are said to have strong daimonic potential. Daimonic emotions can be responded to destructively or constructively, in a manner that promotes well-being. Healthy responses to the daimonic are rooted in creativity.

I will conclude with a brief excerpt from an interview with, British author Katherine May, where she discusses her most recent book titled: “Wintering the Power of Rest and Retreat During Difficult Times.” I believe she captures the essence of how we should all suffer. She recently commented- Life is fundamentally cyclical. . . and if we can truly grasp and believe in how fleeting life is, how delicate, how subject to powers beyond our control, that we can begin to set our minds to a better way of living within it, that isn’t tormenting itself with trying to grasp onto things that cannot be grasped and trying to assert ourselves in places that is completely meaningless to do so. “ She goes on to read a portion from the book - “Plants and animals don’t fight the winter; they don’t pretend it’s not happening and attempt to carry on living the same lives they lived in the summer. They prepare. They adapt. They perform extraordinary acts of metamorphosis to get them through. Wintering is a time of withdrawing from the world, maximizing scant resources, carrying out acts of brutal efficiency, and vanishing from sight; but that’s where the transformation occurs. Winter is not the death of the lifecycle, but it’s a crucible.   

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References:

Anderson, R. E. (2013). Conceptualizing Human Pain and Suffering [E-book]. In Human Suffering and Quality of Life: Conceptualizing Stories and Statistics (SpringerBriefs in Well-Being and Quality of Life Research) (2014th ed., pp. 8–23). Springer. http://users.soc.umn.edu/~rea/documents/Preprint%20of%20Human%20Suffering%20SpringerBrief%20v5%2013june13.pdf

Carlisle, C. (2012, November 12). Evil, Part 5 Making Sense of Suffering. The Guardian. https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2012/nov/12/evil-making-sense-of-suffering

Frankl, V. E., & Allport, G. W. (2000). Man’s Search for Meaning (4th ed.) [E-book]. Beacon Press. https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/706756-the-way-in-which-a-man-accepts-his-fate-and

Hoffman, L., & Paige, J. (2017). Varieties of Suffering and Meaning: Clinical Applications. International Journal of Existential Psychology and Psychotherapy, 7(1), 7–9. https://www.meaning.ca/web/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/228-13-549-2-10-20180905.pdf

On Being [onbeing.org programs]. (2021, January 21). On Being with Krista Tippett Katherine May How ‘Wintering’ Replenishes [Online forum]. Https://Onbeing.Org/Programs/Katherine-May-How-Wintering-Replenishes/. https://onbeing.org/programs/katherine-may-how-wintering-replenishes/

Ostaseski, F. (2017, July 14). What It Means to Suffer and Why It’s Important. Https://Observer.Com/2017/07/What-It-Means-to-Suffer-Why-Its-Important-Resistance-Pain-Emotional-Mental-Health/. https://observer.com/2017/07/what-it-means-to-suffer-why-its-important-resistance-pain-emotional-mental-health/

Wicks, Robert, "Arthur Schopenhauer", The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy (Spring 2019 Edition), Edward N. Zalta (ed.), URL = <https://plato.stanford.edu/archives/spr2019/entries/schopenhauer/>.

Discovering Hope

By Sterling Hawkins, MSW, LCSW-C, LICSW

It is a new year, and still little has changed, at least on the surface. Our nation continues inching toward recovery from the COVID-19 Pandemic, which at present has claimed over 340,000 lives. We have a vaccine, but some scientists have already expressed concerns about viral evolution and the virus's ability to mutate and adapt over time, calling for new anti-viral protocols. Our economy too, in the wake of COVID has suffered, causing many to lose their jobs or, close their businesses altogether without the benefit of a second stimulus. Others, living in the margins, cannot afford their rent, pay for auto and home loans, groceries, and medical bills. In times such as these, the gaps widen between what we believe and what we hope for. Many of us last year, depending on our experience, remain skeptical and take a nuanced approach in forming our expectations for the New Year.

2020 has reminded everyone that it's often difficult to make sense of what happens to us or why. Even when we understand the "how" the absence of a rational "why" erodes our faith in people, systems, and sometimes our belief in God. Especially in an atmosphere of risk and betrayal. It is a reminder that faith, defined as- the confidence or trust in a person, thing, or belief not based on proof alone, may provoke doubt in a world that seems random and cruel. You may say that faith is unimportant when discussing economics, politics, science, or psychology apart from religion. However, before drawing your conclusion it is important to remember that true faith is always rooted in reason. Reason can be defined as the cause, explanation, or justification for an action or event. There is a close connection between reason and faith. I believe you cannot have one without the other. Most of us reason and form judgments apart from facts unconsciously all the time. This process of reasoning is known as inductive reasoning. Inductive reasoning aims to develop general theories based on specific observations. For example, economic downturns in the U.S. often are followed by an economic recovery. Therefore, we should expect an increase in economic stability moving forward. Or, every year in the U.S. between June and November, Atlantic coastal weather patterns produce hurricanes. Therefore, hurricanes will most likely occur between June and November. And finally, every family in a small suburban city knows someone in their neighborhood who lost their job at the city factory when hundreds were laid-off. Therefore, everyone in the city is unemployed.

What should be immediately evident from these examples is that most things we believe in are not empirically verifiable. As it relates to the current state of our nation, we believe specific policies and practices should be instituted to define civil society but fail to agree on which policies and best practices are responsible for outcomes experienced by members of society. Regardless of your worldview faith can never be divorced from reason. To say that truth is only intelligible through reason is itself a statement of faith. Each of us exercises a good amount of faith to believe our worldview and sustain it. To be committed to truth means looking where the evidence that supports your worldview doesn’t fit, is flawed, or doesn’t make sense. You may say, how can I possibly believe that faith is better than doubt? And, I say it is an act of faith to aspire to our most celebrated ideals like “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” as found in the Declaration of Independence. We may all agree that COVID is neither political nor religious, but it is sad to see how many people made it so.

What 2020 has forced all of us to do is to sit still. And, in our stillness, we are forced to consider our politics, our science, our economics, and our religion. And, most importantly, how each of these influences our relationships. That is we must consider their influence on how we relate to others, our spouses, our families our jobs, and the larger society. For many, changes brought about by the Pandemic have strengthened those relationships and our values. This past year has raised our appreciation and compassion for others and our awareness as to why various people and things occupy an important place in our lives. Others in hindsight may find that the people, possessions, and activities which occupied their lives in a pre-pandemic state are no longer a worthy investment of their time and effort. Perhaps you have suffered immeasurably over the past year and are beginning the New Year with an emotional deficit. Emotionally in the red and lacking faith that your life and your relationships will improve. You are questioning, how can faith make a difference for me? The answer is in "Hope". I said previously that true faith is always rooted in reason and that reason is itself a statement of faith. This brings us to hope. I believe hope too, must be joined with faith and reason. Writer, Sharon Blake persuasively defines hope and explains the relationship between faith and hope and why both are essential to living life and engaging with the world successfully. She says "Hope is an optimistic attitude of mind based on an expectation or desire. Faith says it is so now and hope says in the future it could happen . . . Hope seeds planted in one's life can be the catalyst for the roots and the foundations of one's faith walk. . . Hope speaks for the future and faith for the now in life."

This was brought home to me in a quote I read the other day circulating on social media which reads:

Every minute someone leaves this world behind. We are all in "the line" without knowing it. We can never know how many people are before us. We can not move to the back of the line. We can not step out of the line. We can not avoid the line.

So while we wait in line:

Make moments count.

Make priorities.

Make the time.

Make your gifts known.

Make a nobody feel like somebody.

Make your voice heard.

Make the small things big.

Make someone smile.

Make the change.

Make love.

Make up.

Make peace.

Make sure to tell your people they are loved.

Make sure to have no regrets.

Make sure you are ready.

Author: Marianne Baum

The Old Testament patriarch Job gives readers a similar reflection:

" Mortals born of woman are a few days and full of trouble. They spring up like flowers and wither away; like fleeting shadows, they do not endure. . . A person's days are determined. . . and have set limits he cannot exceed." Job 14:1,2, 5.

So as we turn the page on another year I encourage you to not take 2021 for granted. Many lost their lives in 2020 who given a second chance would have embraced the sobering reality of how fragile life is. And, how all of us are waiting in line uncertain of our turn. In 2021 dare to discover hope.

___________________________________________________

References:

Blake, S. [2017] Hope vs Faith or Faith and Hope, The Huffington Post, Retrieved on 20 December 2020. Available at https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/8907892/amp

New International Version. Biblica, 2011. BibleGateway.com, www.biblegateway.com/versions/New-International-Version-NIV-Bible/#booklist.

Wehner, P. [2017] How Can I Possibly Believe That Faith Is Better Than Doubt? , The New York Times, Retrieved on 21 December 2020. Available at https://www.nytimes.com/2017/12/25/opinion/faith-christmas-religion.html

Finding Freedom

By Sterling Hawkins, MSW, LCSW, LICSW

The subject of freedom conjures up many images. What are some of your images and thoughts on the subject of freedom? I stumbled across a book that I haven't read in over thirty years. So, I pulled it from the shelf and began to read. Jonathan Livingston Seagull is a quick read with large font. It measures 4 X 7 inches and having 147 pages; someone can easily read it in one sitting. However, I spent a week to savor its contents and contemplate how the author described freedom from a fictional narrative that ignites imagination and possibilities.

Richard Bach is an American writer who has written numerous works of fiction and some non-fiction. His genre is inspirational and semi-autobiographical. Bach is a pilot. His books are about flying in a metaphorical context. Bach's writings espouse his philosophy that our apparent physical limits and mortality are merely appearances.

The book published in 1970 sold a million copies and in 1973 was turned into a film by the same name. While I never saw the film, the book has remained a favorite of mine. I believe this story contains timeless life-lessons. Jonathan Livingston Seagull is a trilogy having only three chapters.

Chapter One:

begins with Jonathan, a seagull who aspires to be more than he is, way off and alone from the rest of the flock practicing maneuvers of flight. "We can lift ourselves out of ignorance, we can find ourselves as creatures of excellence and intelligence and skill. We can be free. We can learn to fly!”

Self-discipline requires sacrifice and persistent practice, and passion. This discipline, dedication, and discovery first lead to doubt and depression before yielding success with joy. Self-discipline, at its worst, invokes criticism, rejection, judgment, and discouragement that produces failure.

Chapter Two:

examines the process of becoming mature and growing in excellence. "The trick was to know that his true nature lived as perfect as a number everywhere at once across space and time." The idea of quality over quantity is a concept that requires the student to learn and eventually master their craft and begin teaching others. Most limits that interfere with achieving excellence are the ones we create. Mentorship in a community of kindred souls enables us to slowly redefine those limits and learn to move beyond them.

Chapter Three:

Passion can fuel our ability to learn but is often squelched by adversity. Our mind is a powerful tool; we must use to harness our body's good to behave in ways that reflect greatness. "Break the chains of your thought, and you break the chains of your body too." Seeing with the mind's eye is essential. Loving those who hate with the hope that they can learn to love and experience greatness for themselves involves accepting the possibility of death in all its inevitable forms that deprive us of our most cherished freedoms. To be free, one first must know that they have been enslaved. Enslavement comes in many forms. A body cannot be free if the mind remains enslaved.

In summary, I like that the book combines both western and eastern philosophy, in that it examines the components of freedom but expands these components into a panoramic view. The book has a universal message that appeals to all socio-economic and cultural strata. Nowhere in this story does one detect a hierarchy based on wealth, prosperity, or ethnicity. Hierarchy, where noted, has to do with expectations in conformity that Jonathan, in his journey, proves is always helpful in becoming mature.

Perhaps the only challenge for some readers may be finding similarities to one's own life where the principles embodied in Jonathan's character can be practically applied. Therefore, one must look with intent, and when you do, you will see the image of Jonathan reflected in you.

Jonathan Livingston Seagull is a story for all people and seasons in life. It is a story of the triumph of not just one soul but many who overcame physical and psychological barriers to finding their place and calling in the world. Bach's message is simple, we can become much more than we believe if we are willing to pursue what is important to us and push past the doubt and disbelief and embrace isolation and pain as rites of passage to a better existence. And finally, belief in God or first principles serve to guide those who choose to fly in skies less traveled.

True Identity

By Sterling Hawkins, MSW, LCSW-C, LICSW

One month ago, I completed the book titled "Between the World and Me" by Ta-Nehisi Coates (Penguin-Random House, LLC 2015). Coates is a journalist and author. His works feature stories about culture, politics, and social issues. Between the World and Me is a New York Times Best Seller. The late Richard Wright inspired the title for the book. The book is a letter to Coates's adolescent son Samori about the story of his reawakening to the world as seen from his childhood into becoming a man. He recounts many first-person experiences about race and the politics which govern people of color. The recounting of his own experiences is beautifully woven from personal narrative, historical insights, and revelations about being African American in a society marked by racial injustice. The book is still fresh and emotionally charged as I re-read parts of it for this article. Little has changed since 2015, and Coates's words resonate within me. Events leading to the death of George Floyd re-ignited a fire in the souls of Black America, which has been smoldering for decades.

For a long time, to be black in America was to be defined by how non-blacks defined and "identified" you. Over the last 50 years, I'm pleased to see this trend shifting in the opposite direction. However, racial discrimination and hatred toward blacks are not shifting fast enough.

Our identity is who, what, and how we define ourselves as a people and not someone else's definition. Blacks in the U.S. have been denied access to education, housing, health care, food, and jobs based on racial inferiority.

Dr. Kishana M. Ross, Professor of African American Studies at Northwestern, uses the term "Anti-Blackness" to describe the "theoretical framework that illuminates society's inability to recognize black humanity- the disdain, disregard and disgust for our existence." The death of George Floyd and other people of color at the hands of white police officers over the last eight years is not the exception, "but rather, it is the rule in a nation that literally made black people into things."

Morris, K. [2020] Call it What it is- Anti-Blackness. Retrieved on 5 June 2020. Available at: https://www.nytimes.com/2020/06/04/opinion/george-floyd-anti-blackness.html?auth=login-google1tap&login=google1tap

The identity formation of Black America has been crushing as our identity has been shaped by 400 years of oppression, rage, and exhaustion. This identity formation creates for blacks a form of "disembodiment." Coates uses this term to validate that black Americans have been unable to control or protect their own physical body. A recurrent theme throughout the book. And, the result of becoming disembodied has developed into a fear of knowing.

When describing one of his interviews with the mother of a young African American male who was unarmed and gunned down by a police officer, the mother of the slain youth, directed a message to Coates's son who had accompanied him to the interview. The woman said: And, "no one should deter you from being you. You have to be you. And, you can never be afraid to be you." 

The fear of knowing is the knowledge that African Americans are more often hated simply for being black. There's a complicated philosophy associated with skin color, much of which is false. And, much of what is used to justify racially motivated aggression with the intent to cause harm. Coates explains this sentiment in describing his life in learning the codes of conduct while growing up in the rough neighborhoods of West-Baltimore. "Not being violent enough could cost me my body. Being too violent could cost me my body. . . I was a capable boy, intelligent, well-liked, but powerfully afraid. And, I felt vaguely wordlessly that for a child to be marked off for such a life to be forced to live in fear was a great injustice."  

Coates connects this fear in contrasting himself with the violence he and other blacks observed in the world outside the streets of their West Baltimore neighborhood. This fear, he says, ruled everything and is connected to the Dream- the freedom and equality experienced by whites. He concludes that sharp contrasts exist between the white and black worlds.

When describing such contrasts, Coates reflects years later while traveling abroad. "I saw that what divided me from the world was not anything intrinsic to us, but the actual injury done by people intent on naming us matters more than anything we could ever do."

Coates acknowledges that after years of searching, he is still discovering and attempting to understand the breach between the world and himself."

I believe Ta Nehisi Coates would like for us to remember that our body represents our unique worth and dignity of being human and that American society has established laws, authorities, and institutions to destroy our body. He reminds Samori that while black lives matter, we as blacks cannot adequately protect our lives due to systemic injustice. 

In grieving the deaths of Trayvon Martin, Michael Brown, Eric Garner, Tamir Rice, George Floyd, and others, we must not fall prey to the lie that says that inequality and injustice don't exist. Our identity with this pain as Black Americans is tied to a history that can never be eradicated. For this reason, all people of every color and every creed must continue to stand up and fight to oppose it.  

So where do we go from here? What can help us as a nation and a people address injustice and bring reforms which restore accountability and condemnation of wrongful acts of violence, both physical and psychological, against African Americans?

We must continue to organize, support, and provide empathy for those who experience systemic racial injustice and stand with those who seek to correct these imbalances. We must educate and elect legislators who support fair and equal treatment under the law. We must challenge those currently in office to advocate for better policies that address grievances regarding protections for Minority communities. We should march, protest, and demonstrate to keep the message alive and vibrant. In the words of Malcolm X, "I'm for truth no matter who tells it. I'm for justice no matter who it is for or against. I'm a human being first and foremost, and as such, I'm for whoever and whatever benefits humanity as a whole."

Farewell Reflections

By Sterling Hawkins, MSW, LICSW, BCD

Among the obstacles to initiating hospice care that have been cited, the right to allow a patient to determine their own choices at the end of life is perhaps the hardest to quantify. Whether a patient on your caseload or a family member, it's challenging to allow others for whom we care to take calculated risks when their quality of life values differs from ours.

As a clinical social worker with years of home care experience, I watched this drama play out between myself and my mother as I sought to create a safety net, in short, to facilitate a controlled landing. What this meant for me was not waiting until she had a fall before using the walker, allowing me to start helping her with paying her bills, grocery shopping, and providing transportation to medical appointments. Not waiting until she became entirely dependent for activities of daily living. However, mom always wanted to wait for a "failed attempt" at something before she would agree to my recommendation, or at least hear the same advice from someone else.

I understand this is how many would respond to permanent losses. When being proactive is seen as premature and where determination meets ignorance. These are defining moments where competing values in quality of life challenge one's need for a level of safety that is often mildly paternalistic. This is how I felt when my mother's risks exceeded my comfort zone.

None of my mother's requests for me were unreasonable. I simply believed my alternatives were more rational because they minimized the likelihood of the unknown and uncertain outcomes. What I initially overlooked was her appreciation that life has as much to do with an ever-increasing awareness of vulnerability with its risks and the knowledge of one's own mortality. I had traversed this course as a family caregiver over the years with several family members, each with their own sense of awareness of what they wanted to hold onto and what they were willing to give up.

My mother in the final weeks of her life made huge accommodations for me and others involved in her care, which eventually satisfied her hospice team and me. As her independence gave way to the need for more assistance, trust grew and reached the default of little or no resistance. We agreed, however, that as long as we talked about the risks, and she understood them, I would not try to restrict her choices unless there was clear evidence where doing so could jeopardize her existing freedom. Examples of this were allowing her to bathe with supervision, using the walker to ambulate distances less than 25 feet, and allowing me to fill her medication box, and pay her bills, rather than her trying to do these herself. Other compromises were keeping the cordless phone by her bedside at night to avoid getting up and possibly falling, and using her oxygen and wearing incontinence briefs when trips to the bathroom unassisted were no longer possible.

This developed into a workable arrangement. Mom spent her final weeks measuring what she was able to successfully do on her own, no matter how small. I always encouraged her because I knew it helped her to feel useful and still needed and able to teach others about dying well and re-living in memory the history her grandchildren and I would inherit. Mom passed in late January, six months after entering hospice care. She was 89 years old.

If we're honest, each of us is no different in having our own set of values guide our decisions and actions whenever we're forced to accept our natural limitations and never more acutely than at the end of life. Barbara Ehrenreich, in her book "Natural Causes," writes- "You can think of death bitterly or with resignation as a tragic interruption of life and take every possible measure to postpone it. Or, more realistically, you can think of life as an interruption of an eternity of personal non-existence and seize it as a brief opportunity to observe and interact with the living, ever-surprising world around us."

As I reflect on the events of the Covid-19 Pandemic, I am reminded of how quickly relationships both personal and professional can suddenly or tragically change and disappear. And, at this unprecedented time in our history, what unifies us all is our true nature: the spirit. It is our most precious self, and we can influence the entire universe, whether for good or evil, through one small deed. What we should remember during this time is that how we observe and interact with people in the end, always matters.

Life With Meaning

By Sterling Hawkins, MSW, LICSW, LCSW-C

Have you ever been invited to a large banquet reception with friends in celebration of something or someone?  Your relationship to that someone or something is the reason you received an invitation to be an honored guest.  The rationale for being a guest is because your presence is honored.  Your presence, therefore, creates the context for meaning.

So, what is meaning, and why do cultures all over the world celebrate events and people both living and dead?  The short answer is because meaning is something that helps us to define how we live.  Meaning in life says I have a purpose, and I make a difference.  Without meaning in life, we die.  Because of culture, societal, and religious values, people may hold different judgments and beliefs on what makes certain people and activities meaningful. 

If we return to my banquet illustration, I believe this point will become clear.  The person sitting to my left at the table may value a particular type of food because it represents something important to them.  Perhaps it is a cultural dish or meal they enjoyed as a child.  That same dish for me, while tasty and delicious, holds no association with anything I value (except perhaps as an epicurean delicacy).  It is, therefore, meaningless.  Something or someone can only become meaningful when it is attached to experience or something outside of the "self" Philosophers refer to this as a transcendental belief which goes beyond or exceeds the limits of our human experience.   

To explain this theoretical concept using a cognitive-behavioral approach, I would like to cite American Psychologist, Abraham Maslow who is best known for his self-actualization theory of psychology, which argues that the primary goal of psychotherapy should be the integration of the self.  Maslow proposed that as humans, we are goal-driven and that our drive is first to satisfy our physical needs, followed by our need for safety, love, and belonging, self-esteem and finally, the desire to become the most or best (self-actualized) that we can be.  There is some overlap, but Maslow's hierarchy represents the striving for a life filled with meaning.

Based on Maslow’s theory, our striving is on-going, and most of us are engaged in the struggle to meet one or more of these needs because of the natural forces, which erode and often strip away the physical, and psychological attachments we form in our efforts to meet them.  When we assign meaning to any one thing in our natural life, it is a created meaning and, therefore, can be lost or destroyed.   Our bodies become deconditioned through aging and disease.  Our material goods wear out, stop working, and break.  This often results in dissatisfaction and making adjustments in healthy individuals. Still, if conditions persist and modifications and resolutions fail to occur, dissatisfaction can lead to depression or impaired judgment and even suicidal thoughts.

Viktor Frankl in his classic work Man's Search for Meaning in describing his experiences as a prisoner of war in German concentration camps during World War II writes, "Besides these physical causes, there were mental ones, in the form of certain complexes.  The majority of prisoners suffered from a kind of inferiority complex.  We all had once been or had fancied ourselves to be ‘somebody.’  Now we were treated like complete non-entities. The consciousness of one's inner value is anchored in higher, more spiritual things that cannot be shaken by camp life.  But how many free men, let alone prisoners possess it?"

Meaning in life, therefore, carries with it an enormous amount of psychological weight, that requires us to reason and weigh the implications of our values.  The question we must each ask:  Is there anything meaningful in my life that can be diminished or destroyed through suffering? Given that we being human are vulnerable and subject to the limits of our humanity in a finite and material universe, the only way to cope with the uncertainty and inevitable ubiquitous loss is to identify with something outside of ourselves and our world, which cannot be lost or destroyed.  Meaning in life which is not created (by us) and attached to anything material may be able to sustain us during difficult times.  What we believe spiritually and philosophically about our lives, in general, may help us to construct our meaning.   

To further illustrate this, Frankl continues, "The prisoner who had lost faith in the future--his future was doomed.  With his loss of belief in the future, he also lost his spiritual hold; he let himself decline and become subject to mental and physical decay. “ While Maslow's approach helps us to understand what moves us to behave in specific ways, it is mostly a closed-system.  The reason for this is that the system of human needs from bottom to top is hierarchical.  While I believe Maslow gets it partly right, his theory- Self-Actualization ignores other thoughts of belief which lie outside the material or finite world. In short, the influences, whether emotional or spiritual that may cause physiological and safety needs to be subjugated to our need for esteem, love and belonging.

In contrast to Maslow, author Stephen Buhner in his book "The Fasting Path," contrasts a hierarchal and linear world view with one which is more complex and psychodynamic.  He writes, " Compared to the mechanistic worldview that is now so dominant, older perspectives of the Universe are much more complex and multidimensional.   Ancient and nonindustrial cultures understood that the Universe and the Earth were deeply sacred.  Human beings, along with all other life forms, are, within those earlier perspectives, considered to be inextricably embedded in this sacred world, indeed to be an integral part of it.  These ancient viewpoints are not beliefs as we now understand the term but are representative of a living experience."    Buhner refers to a broad epistemology in how people not only see reality but also how their experiences and beliefs help them to define it. — In other words, finding meaning in things that guide our decisions for living in ways that a purely hierarchical or linear worldview cannot.

To conclude, perhaps April Lawson, writer at the New York Times, says it best.  "Meaning has become the stand-in concept for everything the soul yearns for and seeks.   It is one of the few phrases acceptable in modern parlance to describe a fundamentally spiritual need.

_______________________

Brooks, D. (2015) The problem with meaning.  New York Times.  Retrieved on 11 October 2019. Available https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/06/opinion/david-brooks-the-problem-with-meaning.html

Becoming Your Best “You” – Investments for Life

By Sterling Hawkins, MSW, LICSW, LCSW-C

If your life is a story, what do you tell others?  And who will listen?   I recently read True North Groups (Berrett-Koehler Publishers, 2011) by Bill George and Doug Baker, which addresses these human questions.

Bill George is a leading business executive and educator who has served as CEO to several international corporations and now is a consultant and on faculty at the Harvard Business School.  Doug Baker is a teacher, consultant, and Army veteran, who also has leadership experience as both a sports coach and former CEO with the Pillsbury Company.  The two businessmen began asking fundamental human questions: “Where do you go for advice and perspective when facing difficult decisions?  Who can you count on to help you through the most challenging times?  Who will be honest enough to point out your blind spots? Who would you talk to if you lost your job, your marriage was falling apart, or you faced a life-threatening illness?”

In 1975 Bill and Doug, along with two friends, formed a men’s group which continues to today.  Then in 1982 they began a couples’ group with their spouses and two other couples.  Combining their many years of experience, they led with the premise that “it is impossible to create a meaningful life alone,” and that the path toward meaningful growth involves the exchange of significant personal stories.  Without this exchange, we cannot perform the work of living to which each of us has been called, nor sustain our mission and heal when we are wounded.  They write, “Sharing intimately about things in our lives -- our happiness, sadness, our hopes and fears, our beliefs and convictions, enables us to become fully human and aware of the enormous possibilities within each of us."

The authors frame their belief within the context of leadership, as their goal is to challenge leaders to face their own vulnerability, and to avoid the tendency to be narcissistically guarded and inauthentic when challenged.  These beliefs have application not just for those in leadership positions, but for anyone seeking personal growth.

While interviewing leaders for his 2007 book True North: Discover your Authentic Leadership, Bill George concluded that “one of the keys to sustaining your leadership is to have a support team around you.”  This was cited as one of the most important things people can do to stay grounded and increase their self-awareness.

The 2007 book inspired development of a new elective course at the Harvard Business School to encourage greater interpersonal intimacy and more opportunities for personal sharing.  The course involved the creation of six-member groups modeled after George and Baker’s men’s group.  These groups became the template for True North Groups.  To emphasize the value of such groups, the authors comment, “We are spending more time than ever before in organizations where we work, yet organizations in which we participate are ever larger and more impersonal.  Few of the relationships formed in in these organizations provide opportunities for depth, openness, authenticity or personal development.”  They go on to say that in in response this lack, to alleviate subsequent feelings of isolation, many people have substituted personal fitness, adult education, and individual therapy.

The authors write “We often discover deep conflicts between our personal desires and the expectations of our organizations.  Yet, we do not know how to resolve these conflicts, nor do we have a safe place to discuss them. . . Left to ourselves with no counsel or advice we are prone to make bad decisions. . .  Without people we trust to point out blind spots, we may be attempting to journey through life without recognizing our shortcomings or seeing ourselves as others see us.”

As a therapist, what appeals to me about the book is the authors’ recognition of biopsychosocial factors that contribute to developing authenticity in the self.  Without this development we remain incomplete, immature, lacking depth.  George and Baker have been at this for a long time and have been able to construct an approach in examining what helps or hinders us; they do this by identifying critical factors in the development of character and purpose of some of the most successful industry leaders in the nation.  In short, they answer the questions, what do others really think about us?  How do we know if what we’re doing in life really matters, and if so why? The solution for them is that we cannot discover these answers from looking inward.  Instead we must look outside of ourselves to those who can see us in ways that we cannot see ourselves.

A support group of this type is structured to peel back the layers which prevent transparency and self-reflection.  Hiding or masking our true self is often rooted in the fear that if we are truly known, others would dismiss us, fail to like us, or, worst, exploit our weaknesses.  The false self develops as a means of survival, which generalizes to become an unconscious response to those people and circumstances that endanger us, even when there is no actual threat.

The book emphasizes the importance of establishing trust and accountability as a way to heal the damage caused by environments which have crippled our capacity to fully engage and become known.  When trust is strong, the need for masking or self-protection dissipates.   This approach, which uses ethical principles designed to build integrity, is most effective when consciously, consistently applied within a nurturing and stable community.  Under these conditions, personal growth flourishes.

The authors could have included more about their research method and the tools used to formulate their conclusions.  This would have been helpful to those seeking to replicate similar studies within their own groups.  Nonetheless, their approach gives those of us who facilitate groups insight into overlooked elements of group dynamics with broad therapeutic application.

I recommend this book as a resource for anyone looking to embrace human vulnerability as a pathway toward becoming stronger in both their organizational groups and interpersonal relationships.

What to Buy and Why it Matters

By Sterling Hawkins, MSW, LICSW, LCSW-C

Over the years I have become more fascinated with time.  How I spend it, what things I value doing with whom, and where and when certain activities take place.  In essence, I am reflecting on behavioral economics, which states that people often make choices -- like buying that new Range Rover Sport, gambling or overeating -- that give them the greatest immediate reward at the cost of long-term happiness.

Behavioral Economic Theory suggests people are profoundly influenced by context and have little idea of what they will like or want from one day, one week, or one month to the next.  The author James Hamblin based this theory on a 2010 Science paper by Matthew Killingworth and Daniel Gilbert, research psychologists who conducted their research by contacting people as they engaged in their everyday activities and asking them to report their thoughts, feelings and actions in the moment.  Killingworth and Gilbert did this by developing a Web application for the iPhone to create a remarkably large database of real-time reports.  The application contacts participants through their iPhones  at random moments during their waking hours, presents them with questions, and records their answers to a database at www.trackyourhappiness.org    

Hamblin, J. [2014] Buy Experiences, Not Things. The Atlantic, Retrieved on 5 June 2019. Available at https https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2014/10/buy-experiences/381132/

Killingsworth, M. & Gilbert, D. Brevia  [2010], A Wandering Mind is an Unhappy Mind Retrieved on 21 July 2019.  Available at http://www.danielgilbert.com/KILLINGSWORTH%20&%20GILBERT%20(2010).pdf

At the time the paper was released nearly 5000 people, ranging in age from 18 to 88, from 83 different countries, were used collectively to represent 86 occupational categories for the data sample.  One of the hypotheses that drives the theory is that living in the moment means avoiding becoming distracted, or the term “wandering,” used by Killingsworth and Gilbert.  Wandering signifies individuals’ thoughts shifting in order to attach to something of nostalgic longing.  However, this longing, according to the authors, signifies a disappointment or dissatisfaction.  Killingsworth and Gilbert suggests that “a wandering mind is an unhappy mind, because minds tend to wander to dark and not whimsical places.  Unless that mind has something exciting and sweet to remember.”

Hamblin uses this research to argue that experiences bring people more happiness than do possessions.  He suggests that anticipation, when viewed as a driver of happiness, yields a greater psychological return because spending more on experiences provides more enduring happiness which accrues long before the purchase is made.  He writes “Waiting for an experience apparently elicits more happiness and excitement than waiting for a material good.” I am experiencing an opportunity to test this theory because I recently sold my old bicycle with hopes of upgrading to a newer one.  However, in the process of researching my needs, concluded that I will need to spend more money than I anticipated -- money I don’t currently have, and will need to save to avoid adding to credit card debt. 

While I appreciate the beauty and feel of a well-crafted machine, the pleasure associated with the bike is more about the places my bike will take me, once purchased, and the memories I will create riding with others.  In short, “Anticipating my experience.”  The bike therefore is a means to an end, and not an end in itself.

Hamblin says unlike iPhones, clothes, couches, and other objects, which eventually deteriorate or become obsolete, objects which mainly function to facilitate experience become dear to us because “either they are not around long enough to become imperfect or they are imperfect, but our memories and stories of them get sweet with time.”

Hamblin illustrates this concept by citing two separate scenarios:  One, a rained-out beach vacation; and two, a slow MacBook computer.  With a rained-out beach vacation, people will construct positive beliefs and attitudes about the event -- for example, playing board games and bonding as a family.  In contrast, a slow, malfunctioning computer offers nothing beyond one’s expectations that it will function as designed, and ensuing frustration when it does not.

The implications of this research indicate that we as individuals are incredibly complex creatures, and that behavioral economics can help us understand when and how people make material over experiential purchases, and foster awareness which encourages healthier choices, more conducive to long-term happiness.

The research also suggests that as humans we have trouble exercising self-control.  We choose a goal and then frequently act against it because in most cases, we are inconsistent when it comes to differentiating immediate gratification from long-term reward.

Perhaps an integrative approach, utilizing economic terms, is helpful to apply to human behavior. This would involve the use of a metric or multiple decision tools which force us to ask questions about our purchases related to their purpose, use, personal benefit, and collective costs.  People tend to lean more toward an integrative approach when the costs are high, as in the purchase of a house or a car, less so when the costs are lower, for example meal or clothing purchases.

One of the ways this research could be expanded is by examining what processes are involved in making experiential purchases versus material purchases, and whether a metric or tool could be used to delay or control for impulse buying to gratify one’s desire in the present, which often leads to unhappiness.

If we are hard-wired to make judgment errors when purchasing things and not experiences, perhaps, through a process of conscious decision-making, we can learn to literally rewire our brains on a more direct path toward true happiness.