When life hurts
By Sterling Hawkins, MSW, LCSW-C, LICSW
It’s hard to talk about suffering without acknowledging that it is a deeply personal and subjective experience. Having spent many hours with people in the midst of suffering as well as experiencing my own grief, I have come to believe one thing. Suffering is unavoidable and how we suffer can either make us stronger or destroy us completely. My purpose in writing this article is not to quantify or compare the experience of those suffering but, to examine how suffering can and often does make us more genuine and tolerant. How do you handle suffering? This is a question that forces itself upon us. Our responses cover a vast array of emotions that either help or hurt us amid our suffering. Nassim Nicholas Taleb author of “Antifragile” believes that suffering at its best should make us stronger and better than if we had remained untouched by adversity. Whenever I suffer, I ask myself one question- “why”? Suffering’s design can provide us with enormous resources which allow us not just to endure suffering but to actually grow stronger through the experience. Suffering teaches us about who we are and how we process the material world and our relationship to it.
Sociologist, Ron Anderson, Ph.D. in his book titled “Human Suffering and Quality of Life” Has developed a taxonomy of suffering, a framework that makes it easier to think about suffering and to measure it. He comments: “people think about suffering in very different ways depending upon their backgrounds in religion, local culture, and unique personal experiences.” He expands on this concept in the first chapter- Frames for Thinking About Suffering. In it, he identifies three types of suffering: Physical, Mental, and Social Suffering. Anderson draws some interesting parallels about how we think and experience suffering from a phenomenological perspective. He concludes in his first chapter on “Conceptualizing Human Pain and Suffering” that “Human suffering can only be fully understood from the accumulation of knowledge about its causes, context, and results. Suffering is so broad that knowledge is needed from many disciplines, including the humanities, social sciences, biological sciences, and professional health care. However, discerning the mutual interplay between suffering and the quality of life depends largely upon knowledge and tools from within social science research.”
This phenomenological perspective interests me as it relates to creating a sense of contentment, that equates with acceptance of one’s own life given our effort to avoid suffering. It’s difficult to define what makes suffering acceptable or tolerable, because of the unique personal experiences cited in the research literature which form the definition. Insulating factors such as feeling loved or acknowledged and supported while undergoing suffering increases tolerance for individual suffering. These insulating factors at times are elusive and may change over time. Given the limits of a single discipline to answer the question of why we suffer, I believe a philosophical understanding may be helpful when paired with cognitive-behavioral approaches to aid in mitigating the undesirable effects of one’s suffering experience.
19th Century Philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860) believed that as humans, we live in a world of endless suffering. In his book “On the Suffering of the World” he writes “We are like lambs in the field, disporting themselves under the eye of the butcher, who chooses out first one and then another for his prey. So it is that our good days we are all unconscious of the evil Fate may have in store for us— sickness, poverty, mutilation, loss of sight, or reason. “ Schopenhauer was a pessimist and paints a terse sentiment of this life. He believed that the only way to find a tranquil and peaceful existence is to come to terms with a principle he referred to simply as “Will” a mindless, non-rational impulse at the foundation of our instinctual drives and fundamentally the foundational experience of life itself.
Philosopher Fredrick Nietzche (1844-1900) like Schopenhauer rejected the idea of orthodox religion as a basis for determining the cause of suffering. He shared with Schopenhauer the belief that the world of individual existence is essentially a world of suffering, with one difference- that suffering was metaphysically necessary for us to conclude that there are other more valuable experiences to which suffering gives rise to. Nietzche nonetheless was not anti-religious. He simply saw religion as an important construct that can be used to address the problem of suffering. In other words, Nietzche believed the problem of suffering in the modern world was not about defending religious belief or explaining the existence of evil, but a matter of finding creative sources of meaning in a nihilistic world. He differed from Schopenhauer in that he was less accepting of what was observed in suffering and more interested in why suffering occurred. Nietzche saw the “Will” not as a mindless, non-rational impulse, but a force that could make suffering purposeful.
One of the keys to suffering well involves “Right-Thinking” which simply put is an ability to hold beliefs and opinions that are sensible, and that most others agree with. So, how does one engage in right-thinking? Starting with the idea that suffering is a natural consequence of living in a material world with normal bodies that become weak, and that fail, and function with less ease and precision than when they were young. And, that our minds and emotions are prone to conflict through miscalculations and misinterpretations of what we see and feel when observing our actions and the actions of others.
Holocaust survivor and psychiatrist, the late Viktor Frankl in his book titled “Man’s Search for Meaning” observed the following- “The way in which a man accepts his fate and all the suffering it entails, the way in which he takes up his cross, gives him ample opportunity - even under the most difficult circumstances to add a deeper meaning to his life. It may remain brave, dignified, and unselfish. Or in the bitter fight for self-preservation, he may forget his human dignity and become no more than an animal. Here lies the chance for a man either to make use of or to forgo the opportunities of attaining the moral values that a difficult situation may afford him. And this decides whether he is worthy of his suffering or not. Such men are not only in concentration camps. Everywhere man is confronted with fate, with the chance of achieving something through his own suffering.” Frankl’s observation implies that there is a moral element and purpose to suffering, and accepting this may be the first step to resolve or at best ameliorate suffering’s worst effects. According to Frankl, who we become at the end of our suffering can be and often is redemptive. Consequently, the “why” so often posed while suffering expresses a desire for meaning rather than for an explanation.
Frank Ostaseski, co-founder of the Zen Hospice Project on Suffering writes- “Suffering is about perception and interpretation. It is our mental and emotional relationship to what is first perceived as an unpleasant or undesirable experience. Our stories and beliefs about what is happening or did happen shape our interpretation of it. When things don’t go according to plan, some people believe that they are helpless victims or that they ‘got what they deserved.’This leads to resignation and apathy. When we get caught in anxiety and worry about what might happen in the future, it can quickly proliferate into a web of fear that is not easily corralled. . . Suffering is falling in love and then becoming complacent. Suffering is not being able to connect with our children. . .Thinking that life is moving by too fast or too slow. Not getting what you want, getting what you don’t want, or getting what you want but fearing you will lose it—all of this is suffering. Sickness is suffering, old age is suffering, and so is dying.” These are all types of suffering that most can relate to.
I’ve been learning how not to look at the condition of my life to reliably give me what I want for some time. Although, I still nostalgically relive periods in my life that were ideal and made me happy. I no longer believe that such conditions that occur throughout one’s life can be sustained no matter how great the effort. Yet, I can’t help but long for those ideal conditions to remain when they occur.
In the International Journal of Existential Psychology and Psychotherapy Louis Hoffman, Ph.D., and Janie Paige, B.A. discuss The Varieties of Suffering and their Clinical implications. They conclude that All emotions [even suffering] at their base are normal and potentially beneficial. Many psychological problems are rooted in the lack of acceptance of normal emotions, and that for many clients their difficulty in responding to normal emotions can create larger difficulties and more disruption to their life. They provide several examples of how this concept is observed that I will summarize.
Grief- is a normal reaction to loss yet there are forces in society that interfere with healthy grieving. Many who grieve losses are given messages from others: family, friends, religious leaders, and co-workers that discourage healthy grieving. Even in health care often medication is given to create a numbing effect. Returning to the emotion and engaging in the grieving process is an essential component in the move toward restoring psychological well-being.
Staying with Emotion- Research supports that when clients stay with their emotions and explore them, they can have a powerful and healing effect and allow individuals to develop insight into their emotional patterns. They do emphasize that for this type of therapy to be effective, assessing the client’s resiliency, support, and coping resources before engaging in such an intervention is essential.
The Interpersonal Emotions and Healing - After client factors, relational factors are the most important element in the healing process. Being in a relational context with a therapist who has developed the use of presence, empathy, and authenticity can in itself be healing and empower other therapeutic interventions making them more effective.
Creativity and Meaning- Diamonic influences are those emotions and thoughts that occur as something natural within the person who experiences them and have the potential to consume their whole personality. Emotions such as anxiety and anger are said to have strong daimonic potential. Daimonic emotions can be responded to destructively or constructively, in a manner that promotes well-being. Healthy responses to the daimonic are rooted in creativity.
I will conclude with a brief excerpt from an interview with, British author Katherine May, where she discusses her most recent book titled: “Wintering the Power of Rest and Retreat During Difficult Times.” I believe she captures the essence of how we should all suffer. She recently commented- Life is fundamentally cyclical. . . and if we can truly grasp and believe in how fleeting life is, how delicate, how subject to powers beyond our control, that we can begin to set our minds to a better way of living within it, that isn’t tormenting itself with trying to grasp onto things that cannot be grasped and trying to assert ourselves in places that is completely meaningless to do so. “ She goes on to read a portion from the book - “Plants and animals don’t fight the winter; they don’t pretend it’s not happening and attempt to carry on living the same lives they lived in the summer. They prepare. They adapt. They perform extraordinary acts of metamorphosis to get them through. Wintering is a time of withdrawing from the world, maximizing scant resources, carrying out acts of brutal efficiency, and vanishing from sight; but that’s where the transformation occurs. Winter is not the death of the lifecycle, but it’s a crucible.
_______________________________________________________
References:
Anderson, R. E. (2013). Conceptualizing Human Pain and Suffering [E-book]. In Human Suffering and Quality of Life: Conceptualizing Stories and Statistics (SpringerBriefs in Well-Being and Quality of Life Research) (2014th ed., pp. 8–23). Springer. http://users.soc.umn.edu/~rea/documents/Preprint%20of%20Human%20Suffering%20SpringerBrief%20v5%2013june13.pdf
Carlisle, C. (2012, November 12). Evil, Part 5 Making Sense of Suffering. The Guardian. https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2012/nov/12/evil-making-sense-of-suffering
Frankl, V. E., & Allport, G. W. (2000). Man’s Search for Meaning (4th ed.) [E-book]. Beacon Press. https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/706756-the-way-in-which-a-man-accepts-his-fate-and
Hoffman, L., & Paige, J. (2017). Varieties of Suffering and Meaning: Clinical Applications. International Journal of Existential Psychology and Psychotherapy, 7(1), 7–9. https://www.meaning.ca/web/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/228-13-549-2-10-20180905.pdf
On Being [onbeing.org programs]. (2021, January 21). On Being with Krista Tippett Katherine May How ‘Wintering’ Replenishes [Online forum]. Https://Onbeing.Org/Programs/Katherine-May-How-Wintering-Replenishes/. https://onbeing.org/programs/katherine-may-how-wintering-replenishes/
Ostaseski, F. (2017, July 14). What It Means to Suffer and Why It’s Important. Https://Observer.Com/2017/07/What-It-Means-to-Suffer-Why-Its-Important-Resistance-Pain-Emotional-Mental-Health/. https://observer.com/2017/07/what-it-means-to-suffer-why-its-important-resistance-pain-emotional-mental-health/
Wicks, Robert, "Arthur Schopenhauer", The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy (Spring 2019 Edition), Edward N. Zalta (ed.), URL = <https://plato.stanford.edu/archives/spr2019/entries/schopenhauer/>.