By Sterling Hawkins, MSW, LCSW-C, LICSW

It is a new year, and still little has changed, at least on the surface. Our nation continues inching toward recovery from the COVID-19 Pandemic, which at present has claimed over 340,000 lives. We have a vaccine, but some scientists have already expressed concerns about viral evolution and the virus's ability to mutate and adapt over time, calling for new anti-viral protocols. Our economy too, in the wake of COVID has suffered, causing many to lose their jobs or, close their businesses altogether without the benefit of a second stimulus. Others, living in the margins, cannot afford their rent, pay for auto and home loans, groceries, and medical bills. In times such as these, the gaps widen between what we believe and what we hope for. Many of us last year, depending on our experience, remain skeptical and take a nuanced approach in forming our expectations for the New Year.

2020 has reminded everyone that it's often difficult to make sense of what happens to us or why. Even when we understand the "how" the absence of a rational "why" erodes our faith in people, systems, and sometimes our belief in God. Especially in an atmosphere of risk and betrayal. It is a reminder that faith, defined as- the confidence or trust in a person, thing, or belief not based on proof alone, may provoke doubt in a world that seems random and cruel. You may say that faith is unimportant when discussing economics, politics, science, or psychology apart from religion. However, before drawing your conclusion it is important to remember that true faith is always rooted in reason. Reason can be defined as the cause, explanation, or justification for an action or event. There is a close connection between reason and faith. I believe you cannot have one without the other. Most of us reason and form judgments apart from facts unconsciously all the time. This process of reasoning is known as inductive reasoning. Inductive reasoning aims to develop general theories based on specific observations. For example, economic downturns in the U.S. often are followed by an economic recovery. Therefore, we should expect an increase in economic stability moving forward. Or, every year in the U.S. between June and November, Atlantic coastal weather patterns produce hurricanes. Therefore, hurricanes will most likely occur between June and November. And finally, every family in a small suburban city knows someone in their neighborhood who lost their job at the city factory when hundreds were laid-off. Therefore, everyone in the city is unemployed.

What should be immediately evident from these examples is that most things we believe in are not empirically verifiable. As it relates to the current state of our nation, we believe specific policies and practices should be instituted to define civil society but fail to agree on which policies and best practices are responsible for outcomes experienced by members of society. Regardless of your worldview faith can never be divorced from reason. To say that truth is only intelligible through reason is itself a statement of faith. Each of us exercises a good amount of faith to believe our worldview and sustain it. To be committed to truth means looking where the evidence that supports your worldview doesn’t fit, is flawed, or doesn’t make sense. You may say, how can I possibly believe that faith is better than doubt? And, I say it is an act of faith to aspire to our most celebrated ideals like “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” as found in the Declaration of Independence. We may all agree that COVID is neither political nor religious, but it is sad to see how many people made it so.

What 2020 has forced all of us to do is to sit still. And, in our stillness, we are forced to consider our politics, our science, our economics, and our religion. And, most importantly, how each of these influences our relationships. That is we must consider their influence on how we relate to others, our spouses, our families our jobs, and the larger society. For many, changes brought about by the Pandemic have strengthened those relationships and our values. This past year has raised our appreciation and compassion for others and our awareness as to why various people and things occupy an important place in our lives. Others in hindsight may find that the people, possessions, and activities which occupied their lives in a pre-pandemic state are no longer a worthy investment of their time and effort. Perhaps you have suffered immeasurably over the past year and are beginning the New Year with an emotional deficit. Emotionally in the red and lacking faith that your life and your relationships will improve. You are questioning, how can faith make a difference for me? The answer is in "Hope". I said previously that true faith is always rooted in reason and that reason is itself a statement of faith. This brings us to hope. I believe hope too, must be joined with faith and reason. Writer, Sharon Blake persuasively defines hope and explains the relationship between faith and hope and why both are essential to living life and engaging with the world successfully. She says "Hope is an optimistic attitude of mind based on an expectation or desire. Faith says it is so now and hope says in the future it could happen . . . Hope seeds planted in one's life can be the catalyst for the roots and the foundations of one's faith walk. . . Hope speaks for the future and faith for the now in life."

This was brought home to me in a quote I read the other day circulating on social media which reads:

Every minute someone leaves this world behind. We are all in "the line" without knowing it. We can never know how many people are before us. We can not move to the back of the line. We can not step out of the line. We can not avoid the line.

So while we wait in line:

Make moments count.

Make priorities.

Make the time.

Make your gifts known.

Make a nobody feel like somebody.

Make your voice heard.

Make the small things big.

Make someone smile.

Make the change.

Make love.

Make up.

Make peace.

Make sure to tell your people they are loved.

Make sure to have no regrets.

Make sure you are ready.

Author: Marianne Baum

The Old Testament patriarch Job gives readers a similar reflection:

" Mortals born of woman are a few days and full of trouble. They spring up like flowers and wither away; like fleeting shadows, they do not endure. . . A person's days are determined. . . and have set limits he cannot exceed." Job 14:1,2, 5.

So as we turn the page on another year I encourage you to not take 2021 for granted. Many lost their lives in 2020 who given a second chance would have embraced the sobering reality of how fragile life is. And, how all of us are waiting in line uncertain of our turn. In 2021 dare to discover hope.

___________________________________________________

References:

Blake, S. [2017] Hope vs Faith or Faith and Hope, The Huffington Post, Retrieved on 20 December 2020. Available at https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/8907892/amp

New International Version. Biblica, 2011. BibleGateway.com, www.biblegateway.com/versions/New-International-Version-NIV-Bible/#booklist.

Wehner, P. [2017] How Can I Possibly Believe That Faith Is Better Than Doubt? , The New York Times, Retrieved on 21 December 2020. Available at https://www.nytimes.com/2017/12/25/opinion/faith-christmas-religion.html

By Sterling Hawkins, MSW, LCSW, LICSW

The subject of freedom conjures up many images. What are some of your images and thoughts on the subject of freedom? I stumbled across a book that I haven't read in over thirty years. So, I pulled it from the shelf and began to read. Jonathan Livingston Seagull is a quick read with large font. It measures 4 X 7 inches and having 147 pages; someone can easily read it in one sitting. However, I spent a week to savor its contents and contemplate how the author described freedom from a fictional narrative that ignites imagination and possibilities.

Richard Bach is an American writer who has written numerous works of fiction and some non-fiction. His genre is inspirational and semi-autobiographical. Bach is a pilot. His books are about flying in a metaphorical context. Bach's writings espouse his philosophy that our apparent physical limits and mortality are merely appearances.

The book published in 1970 sold a million copies and in 1973 was turned into a film by the same name. While I never saw the film, the book has remained a favorite of mine. I believe this story contains timeless life-lessons. Jonathan Livingston Seagull is a trilogy having only three chapters.

Chapter One:

begins with Jonathan, a seagull who aspires to be more than he is, way off and alone from the rest of the flock practicing maneuvers of flight. "We can lift ourselves out of ignorance, we can find ourselves as creatures of excellence and intelligence and skill. We can be free. We can learn to fly!”

Self-discipline requires sacrifice and persistent practice, and passion. This discipline, dedication, and discovery first lead to doubt and depression before yielding success with joy. Self-discipline, at its worst, invokes criticism, rejection, judgment, and discouragement that produces failure.

Chapter Two:

examines the process of becoming mature and growing in excellence. "The trick was to know that his true nature lived as perfect as a number everywhere at once across space and time." The idea of quality over quantity is a concept that requires the student to learn and eventually master their craft and begin teaching others. Most limits that interfere with achieving excellence are the ones we create. Mentorship in a community of kindred souls enables us to slowly redefine those limits and learn to move beyond them.

Chapter Three:

Passion can fuel our ability to learn but is often squelched by adversity. Our mind is a powerful tool; we must use to harness our body's good to behave in ways that reflect greatness. "Break the chains of your thought, and you break the chains of your body too." Seeing with the mind's eye is essential. Loving those who hate with the hope that they can learn to love and experience greatness for themselves involves accepting the possibility of death in all its inevitable forms that deprive us of our most cherished freedoms. To be free, one first must know that they have been enslaved. Enslavement comes in many forms. A body cannot be free if the mind remains enslaved.

In summary, I like that the book combines both western and eastern philosophy, in that it examines the components of freedom but expands these components into a panoramic view. The book has a universal message that appeals to all socio-economic and cultural strata. Nowhere in this story does one detect a hierarchy based on wealth, prosperity, or ethnicity. Hierarchy, where noted, has to do with expectations in conformity that Jonathan, in his journey, proves is always helpful in becoming mature.

Perhaps the only challenge for some readers may be finding similarities to one's own life where the principles embodied in Jonathan's character can be practically applied. Therefore, one must look with intent, and when you do, you will see the image of Jonathan reflected in you.

Jonathan Livingston Seagull is a story for all people and seasons in life. It is a story of the triumph of not just one soul but many who overcame physical and psychological barriers to finding their place and calling in the world. Bach's message is simple, we can become much more than we believe if we are willing to pursue what is important to us and push past the doubt and disbelief and embrace isolation and pain as rites of passage to a better existence. And finally, belief in God or first principles serve to guide those who choose to fly in skies less traveled.

By Sterling Hawkins, MSW, LCSW-C, LICSW

One month ago, I completed the book titled "Between the World and Me" by Ta-Nehisi Coates (Penguin-Random House, LLC 2015). Coates is a journalist and author. His works feature stories about culture, politics, and social issues. Between the World and Me is a New York Times Best Seller. The late Richard Wright inspired the title for the book. The book is a letter to Coates's adolescent son Samori about the story of his reawakening to the world as seen from his childhood into becoming a man. He recounts many first-person experiences about race and the politics which govern people of color. The recounting of his own experiences is beautifully woven from personal narrative, historical insights, and revelations about being African American in a society marked by racial injustice. The book is still fresh and emotionally charged as I re-read parts of it for this article. Little has changed since 2015, and Coates's words resonate within me. Events leading to the death of George Floyd re-ignited a fire in the souls of Black America, which has been smoldering for decades.

For a long time, to be black in America was to be defined by how non-blacks defined and "identified" you. Over the last 50 years, I'm pleased to see this trend shifting in the opposite direction. However, racial discrimination and hatred toward blacks are not shifting fast enough.

Our identity is who, what, and how we define ourselves as a people and not someone else's definition. Blacks in the U.S. have been denied access to education, housing, health care, food, and jobs based on racial inferiority.

Dr. Kishana M. Ross, Professor of African American Studies at Northwestern, uses the term "Anti-Blackness" to describe the "theoretical framework that illuminates society's inability to recognize black humanity- the disdain, disregard and disgust for our existence." The death of George Floyd and other people of color at the hands of white police officers over the last eight years is not the exception, "but rather, it is the rule in a nation that literally made black people into things."

Morris, K. [2020] Call it What it is- Anti-Blackness. Retrieved on 5 June 2020. Available at: https://www.nytimes.com/2020/06/04/opinion/george-floyd-anti-blackness.html?auth=login-google1tap&login=google1tap

The identity formation of Black America has been crushing as our identity has been shaped by 400 years of oppression, rage, and exhaustion. This identity formation creates for blacks a form of "disembodiment." Coates uses this term to validate that black Americans have been unable to control or protect their own physical body. A recurrent theme throughout the book. And, the result of becoming disembodied has developed into a fear of knowing.

When describing one of his interviews with the mother of a young African American male who was unarmed and gunned down by a police officer, the mother of the slain youth, directed a message to Coates's son who had accompanied him to the interview. The woman said: And, "no one should deter you from being you. You have to be you. And, you can never be afraid to be you." 

The fear of knowing is the knowledge that African Americans are more often hated simply for being black. There's a complicated philosophy associated with skin color, much of which is false. And, much of what is used to justify racially motivated aggression with the intent to cause harm. Coates explains this sentiment in describing his life in learning the codes of conduct while growing up in the rough neighborhoods of West-Baltimore. "Not being violent enough could cost me my body. Being too violent could cost me my body. . . I was a capable boy, intelligent, well-liked, but powerfully afraid. And, I felt vaguely wordlessly that for a child to be marked off for such a life to be forced to live in fear was a great injustice."  

Coates connects this fear in contrasting himself with the violence he and other blacks observed in the world outside the streets of their West Baltimore neighborhood. This fear, he says, ruled everything and is connected to the Dream- the freedom and equality experienced by whites. He concludes that sharp contrasts exist between the white and black worlds.

When describing such contrasts, Coates reflects years later while traveling abroad. "I saw that what divided me from the world was not anything intrinsic to us, but the actual injury done by people intent on naming us matters more than anything we could ever do."

Coates acknowledges that after years of searching, he is still discovering and attempting to understand the breach between the world and himself."

I believe Ta Nehisi Coates would like for us to remember that our body represents our unique worth and dignity of being human and that American society has established laws, authorities, and institutions to destroy our body. He reminds Samori that while black lives matter, we as blacks cannot adequately protect our lives due to systemic injustice. 

In grieving the deaths of Trayvon Martin, Michael Brown, Eric Garner, Tamir Rice, George Floyd, and others, we must not fall prey to the lie that says that inequality and injustice don't exist. Our identity with this pain as Black Americans is tied to a history that can never be eradicated. For this reason, all people of every color and every creed must continue to stand up and fight to oppose it.  

So where do we go from here? What can help us as a nation and a people address injustice and bring reforms which restore accountability and condemnation of wrongful acts of violence, both physical and psychological, against African Americans?

We must continue to organize, support, and provide empathy for those who experience systemic racial injustice and stand with those who seek to correct these imbalances. We must educate and elect legislators who support fair and equal treatment under the law. We must challenge those currently in office to advocate for better policies that address grievances regarding protections for Minority communities. We should march, protest, and demonstrate to keep the message alive and vibrant. In the words of Malcolm X, "I'm for truth no matter who tells it. I'm for justice no matter who it is for or against. I'm a human being first and foremost, and as such, I'm for whoever and whatever benefits humanity as a whole."

By Sterling Hawkins, MSW, LICSW, BCD

Among the obstacles to initiating hospice care that have been cited, the right to allow a patient to determine their own choices at the end of life is perhaps the hardest to quantify. Whether a patient on your caseload or a family member, it's challenging to allow others for whom we care to take calculated risks when their quality of life values differs from ours.

As a clinical social worker with years of home care experience, I watched this drama play out between myself and my mother as I sought to create a safety net, in short, to facilitate a controlled landing. What this meant for me was not waiting until she had a fall before using the walker, allowing me to start helping her with paying her bills, grocery shopping, and providing transportation to medical appointments. Not waiting until she became entirely dependent for activities of daily living. However, mom always wanted to wait for a "failed attempt" at something before she would agree to my recommendation, or at least hear the same advice from someone else.

I understand this is how many would respond to permanent losses. When being proactive is seen as premature and where determination meets ignorance. These are defining moments where competing values in quality of life challenge one's need for a level of safety that is often mildly paternalistic. This is how I felt when my mother's risks exceeded my comfort zone.

None of my mother's requests for me were unreasonable. I simply believed my alternatives were more rational because they minimized the likelihood of the unknown and uncertain outcomes. What I initially overlooked was her appreciation that life has as much to do with an ever-increasing awareness of vulnerability with its risks and the knowledge of one's own mortality. I had traversed this course as a family caregiver over the years with several family members, each with their own sense of awareness of what they wanted to hold onto and what they were willing to give up.

My mother in the final weeks of her life made huge accommodations for me and others involved in her care, which eventually satisfied her hospice team and me. As her independence gave way to the need for more assistance, trust grew and reached the default of little or no resistance. We agreed, however, that as long as we talked about the risks, and she understood them, I would not try to restrict her choices unless there was clear evidence where doing so could jeopardize her existing freedom. Examples of this were allowing her to bathe with supervision, using the walker to ambulate distances less than 25 feet, and allowing me to fill her medication box, and pay her bills, rather than her trying to do these herself. Other compromises were keeping the cordless phone by her bedside at night to avoid getting up and possibly falling, and using her oxygen and wearing incontinence briefs when trips to the bathroom unassisted were no longer possible.

This developed into a workable arrangement. Mom spent her final weeks measuring what she was able to successfully do on her own, no matter how small. I always encouraged her because I knew it helped her to feel useful and still needed and able to teach others about dying well and re-living in memory the history her grandchildren and I would inherit. Mom passed in late January, six months after entering hospice care. She was 89 years old.

If we're honest, each of us is no different in having our own set of values guide our decisions and actions whenever we're forced to accept our natural limitations and never more acutely than at the end of life. Barbara Ehrenreich, in her book "Natural Causes," writes- "You can think of death bitterly or with resignation as a tragic interruption of life and take every possible measure to postpone it. Or, more realistically, you can think of life as an interruption of an eternity of personal non-existence and seize it as a brief opportunity to observe and interact with the living, ever-surprising world around us."

As I reflect on the events of the Covid-19 Pandemic, I am reminded of how quickly relationships both personal and professional can suddenly or tragically change and disappear. And, at this unprecedented time in our history, what unifies us all is our true nature: the spirit. It is our most precious self, and we can influence the entire universe, whether for good or evil, through one small deed. What we should remember during this time is that how we observe and interact with people in the end, always matters.

By Sterling Hawkins, MSW, LICSW, LCSW-C

Have you ever been invited to a large banquet reception with friends in celebration of something or someone?  Your relationship to that someone or something is the reason you received an invitation to be an honored guest.  The rationale for being a guest is because your presence is honored.  Your presence, therefore, creates the context for meaning.

So, what is meaning, and why do cultures all over the world celebrate events and people both living and dead?  The short answer is because meaning is something that helps us to define how we live.  Meaning in life says I have a purpose, and I make a difference.  Without meaning in life, we die.  Because of culture, societal, and religious values, people may hold different judgments and beliefs on what makes certain people and activities meaningful. 

If we return to my banquet illustration, I believe this point will become clear.  The person sitting to my left at the table may value a particular type of food because it represents something important to them.  Perhaps it is a cultural dish or meal they enjoyed as a child.  That same dish for me, while tasty and delicious, holds no association with anything I value (except perhaps as an epicurean delicacy).  It is, therefore, meaningless.  Something or someone can only become meaningful when it is attached to experience or something outside of the "self" Philosophers refer to this as a transcendental belief which goes beyond or exceeds the limits of our human experience.   

To explain this theoretical concept using a cognitive-behavioral approach, I would like to cite American Psychologist, Abraham Maslow who is best known for his self-actualization theory of psychology, which argues that the primary goal of psychotherapy should be the integration of the self.  Maslow proposed that as humans, we are goal-driven and that our drive is first to satisfy our physical needs, followed by our need for safety, love, and belonging, self-esteem and finally, the desire to become the most or best (self-actualized) that we can be.  There is some overlap, but Maslow's hierarchy represents the striving for a life filled with meaning.

Based on Maslow’s theory, our striving is on-going, and most of us are engaged in the struggle to meet one or more of these needs because of the natural forces, which erode and often strip away the physical, and psychological attachments we form in our efforts to meet them.  When we assign meaning to any one thing in our natural life, it is a created meaning and, therefore, can be lost or destroyed.   Our bodies become deconditioned through aging and disease.  Our material goods wear out, stop working, and break.  This often results in dissatisfaction and making adjustments in healthy individuals. Still, if conditions persist and modifications and resolutions fail to occur, dissatisfaction can lead to depression or impaired judgment and even suicidal thoughts.

Viktor Frankl in his classic work Man's Search for Meaning in describing his experiences as a prisoner of war in German concentration camps during World War II writes, "Besides these physical causes, there were mental ones, in the form of certain complexes.  The majority of prisoners suffered from a kind of inferiority complex.  We all had once been or had fancied ourselves to be ‘somebody.’  Now we were treated like complete non-entities. The consciousness of one's inner value is anchored in higher, more spiritual things that cannot be shaken by camp life.  But how many free men, let alone prisoners possess it?"

Meaning in life, therefore, carries with it an enormous amount of psychological weight, that requires us to reason and weigh the implications of our values.  The question we must each ask:  Is there anything meaningful in my life that can be diminished or destroyed through suffering? Given that we being human are vulnerable and subject to the limits of our humanity in a finite and material universe, the only way to cope with the uncertainty and inevitable ubiquitous loss is to identify with something outside of ourselves and our world, which cannot be lost or destroyed.  Meaning in life which is not created (by us) and attached to anything material may be able to sustain us during difficult times.  What we believe spiritually and philosophically about our lives, in general, may help us to construct our meaning.   

To further illustrate this, Frankl continues, "The prisoner who had lost faith in the future--his future was doomed.  With his loss of belief in the future, he also lost his spiritual hold; he let himself decline and become subject to mental and physical decay. “ While Maslow's approach helps us to understand what moves us to behave in specific ways, it is mostly a closed-system.  The reason for this is that the system of human needs from bottom to top is hierarchical.  While I believe Maslow gets it partly right, his theory- Self-Actualization ignores other thoughts of belief which lie outside the material or finite world. In short, the influences, whether emotional or spiritual that may cause physiological and safety needs to be subjugated to our need for esteem, love and belonging.

In contrast to Maslow, author Stephen Buhner in his book "The Fasting Path," contrasts a hierarchal and linear world view with one which is more complex and psychodynamic.  He writes, " Compared to the mechanistic worldview that is now so dominant, older perspectives of the Universe are much more complex and multidimensional.   Ancient and nonindustrial cultures understood that the Universe and the Earth were deeply sacred.  Human beings, along with all other life forms, are, within those earlier perspectives, considered to be inextricably embedded in this sacred world, indeed to be an integral part of it.  These ancient viewpoints are not beliefs as we now understand the term but are representative of a living experience."    Buhner refers to a broad epistemology in how people not only see reality but also how their experiences and beliefs help them to define it. — In other words, finding meaning in things that guide our decisions for living in ways that a purely hierarchical or linear worldview cannot.

To conclude, perhaps April Lawson, writer at the New York Times, says it best.  "Meaning has become the stand-in concept for everything the soul yearns for and seeks.   It is one of the few phrases acceptable in modern parlance to describe a fundamentally spiritual need.

_______________________

Brooks, D. (2015) The problem with meaning.  New York Times.  Retrieved on 11 October 2019. Available https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/06/opinion/david-brooks-the-problem-with-meaning.html

By Sterling Hawkins, MSW, LICSW, LCSW-C

If your life is a story, what do you tell others?  And who will listen?   I recently read True North Groups (Berrett-Koehler Publishers, 2011) by Bill George and Doug Baker, which addresses these human questions.

Bill George is a leading business executive and educator who has served as CEO to several international corporations and now is a consultant and on faculty at the Harvard Business School.  Doug Baker is a teacher, consultant, and Army veteran, who also has leadership experience as both a sports coach and former CEO with the Pillsbury Company.  The two businessmen began asking fundamental human questions: “Where do you go for advice and perspective when facing difficult decisions?  Who can you count on to help you through the most challenging times?  Who will be honest enough to point out your blind spots? Who would you talk to if you lost your job, your marriage was falling apart, or you faced a life-threatening illness?”

In 1975 Bill and Doug, along with two friends, formed a men’s group which continues to today.  Then in 1982 they began a couples’ group with their spouses and two other couples.  Combining their many years of experience, they led with the premise that “it is impossible to create a meaningful life alone,” and that the path toward meaningful growth involves the exchange of significant personal stories.  Without this exchange, we cannot perform the work of living to which each of us has been called, nor sustain our mission and heal when we are wounded.  They write, “Sharing intimately about things in our lives -- our happiness, sadness, our hopes and fears, our beliefs and convictions, enables us to become fully human and aware of the enormous possibilities within each of us."

The authors frame their belief within the context of leadership, as their goal is to challenge leaders to face their own vulnerability, and to avoid the tendency to be narcissistically guarded and inauthentic when challenged.  These beliefs have application not just for those in leadership positions, but for anyone seeking personal growth.

While interviewing leaders for his 2007 book True North: Discover your Authentic Leadership, Bill George concluded that “one of the keys to sustaining your leadership is to have a support team around you.”  This was cited as one of the most important things people can do to stay grounded and increase their self-awareness.

The 2007 book inspired development of a new elective course at the Harvard Business School to encourage greater interpersonal intimacy and more opportunities for personal sharing.  The course involved the creation of six-member groups modeled after George and Baker’s men’s group.  These groups became the template for True North Groups.  To emphasize the value of such groups, the authors comment, “We are spending more time than ever before in organizations where we work, yet organizations in which we participate are ever larger and more impersonal.  Few of the relationships formed in in these organizations provide opportunities for depth, openness, authenticity or personal development.”  They go on to say that in in response this lack, to alleviate subsequent feelings of isolation, many people have substituted personal fitness, adult education, and individual therapy.

The authors write “We often discover deep conflicts between our personal desires and the expectations of our organizations.  Yet, we do not know how to resolve these conflicts, nor do we have a safe place to discuss them. . . Left to ourselves with no counsel or advice we are prone to make bad decisions. . .  Without people we trust to point out blind spots, we may be attempting to journey through life without recognizing our shortcomings or seeing ourselves as others see us.”

As a therapist, what appeals to me about the book is the authors’ recognition of biopsychosocial factors that contribute to developing authenticity in the self.  Without this development we remain incomplete, immature, lacking depth.  George and Baker have been at this for a long time and have been able to construct an approach in examining what helps or hinders us; they do this by identifying critical factors in the development of character and purpose of some of the most successful industry leaders in the nation.  In short, they answer the questions, what do others really think about us?  How do we know if what we’re doing in life really matters, and if so why? The solution for them is that we cannot discover these answers from looking inward.  Instead we must look outside of ourselves to those who can see us in ways that we cannot see ourselves.

A support group of this type is structured to peel back the layers which prevent transparency and self-reflection.  Hiding or masking our true self is often rooted in the fear that if we are truly known, others would dismiss us, fail to like us, or, worst, exploit our weaknesses.  The false self develops as a means of survival, which generalizes to become an unconscious response to those people and circumstances that endanger us, even when there is no actual threat.

The book emphasizes the importance of establishing trust and accountability as a way to heal the damage caused by environments which have crippled our capacity to fully engage and become known.  When trust is strong, the need for masking or self-protection dissipates.   This approach, which uses ethical principles designed to build integrity, is most effective when consciously, consistently applied within a nurturing and stable community.  Under these conditions, personal growth flourishes.

The authors could have included more about their research method and the tools used to formulate their conclusions.  This would have been helpful to those seeking to replicate similar studies within their own groups.  Nonetheless, their approach gives those of us who facilitate groups insight into overlooked elements of group dynamics with broad therapeutic application.

I recommend this book as a resource for anyone looking to embrace human vulnerability as a pathway toward becoming stronger in both their organizational groups and interpersonal relationships.

By Sterling Hawkins, MSW, LICSW, LCSW-C

Over the years I have become more fascinated with time.  How I spend it, what things I value doing with whom, and where and when certain activities take place.  In essence, I am reflecting on behavioral economics, which states that people often make choices -- like buying that new Range Rover Sport, gambling or overeating -- that give them the greatest immediate reward at the cost of long-term happiness.

Behavioral Economic Theory suggests people are profoundly influenced by context and have little idea of what they will like or want from one day, one week, or one month to the next.  The author James Hamblin based this theory on a 2010 Science paper by Matthew Killingworth and Daniel Gilbert, research psychologists who conducted their research by contacting people as they engaged in their everyday activities and asking them to report their thoughts, feelings and actions in the moment.  Killingworth and Gilbert did this by developing a Web application for the iPhone to create a remarkably large database of real-time reports.  The application contacts participants through their iPhones  at random moments during their waking hours, presents them with questions, and records their answers to a database at www.trackyourhappiness.org    

Hamblin, J. [2014] Buy Experiences, Not Things. The Atlantic, Retrieved on 5 June 2019. Available at https https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2014/10/buy-experiences/381132/

Killingsworth, M. & Gilbert, D. Brevia  [2010], A Wandering Mind is an Unhappy Mind Retrieved on 21 July 2019.  Available at http://www.danielgilbert.com/KILLINGSWORTH%20&%20GILBERT%20(2010).pdf

At the time the paper was released nearly 5000 people, ranging in age from 18 to 88, from 83 different countries, were used collectively to represent 86 occupational categories for the data sample.  One of the hypotheses that drives the theory is that living in the moment means avoiding becoming distracted, or the term “wandering,” used by Killingsworth and Gilbert.  Wandering signifies individuals’ thoughts shifting in order to attach to something of nostalgic longing.  However, this longing, according to the authors, signifies a disappointment or dissatisfaction.  Killingsworth and Gilbert suggests that “a wandering mind is an unhappy mind, because minds tend to wander to dark and not whimsical places.  Unless that mind has something exciting and sweet to remember.”

Hamblin uses this research to argue that experiences bring people more happiness than do possessions.  He suggests that anticipation, when viewed as a driver of happiness, yields a greater psychological return because spending more on experiences provides more enduring happiness which accrues long before the purchase is made.  He writes “Waiting for an experience apparently elicits more happiness and excitement than waiting for a material good.” I am experiencing an opportunity to test this theory because I recently sold my old bicycle with hopes of upgrading to a newer one.  However, in the process of researching my needs, concluded that I will need to spend more money than I anticipated -- money I don’t currently have, and will need to save to avoid adding to credit card debt. 

While I appreciate the beauty and feel of a well-crafted machine, the pleasure associated with the bike is more about the places my bike will take me, once purchased, and the memories I will create riding with others.  In short, “Anticipating my experience.”  The bike therefore is a means to an end, and not an end in itself.

Hamblin says unlike iPhones, clothes, couches, and other objects, which eventually deteriorate or become obsolete, objects which mainly function to facilitate experience become dear to us because “either they are not around long enough to become imperfect or they are imperfect, but our memories and stories of them get sweet with time.”

Hamblin illustrates this concept by citing two separate scenarios:  One, a rained-out beach vacation; and two, a slow MacBook computer.  With a rained-out beach vacation, people will construct positive beliefs and attitudes about the event -- for example, playing board games and bonding as a family.  In contrast, a slow, malfunctioning computer offers nothing beyond one’s expectations that it will function as designed, and ensuing frustration when it does not.

The implications of this research indicate that we as individuals are incredibly complex creatures, and that behavioral economics can help us understand when and how people make material over experiential purchases, and foster awareness which encourages healthier choices, more conducive to long-term happiness.

The research also suggests that as humans we have trouble exercising self-control.  We choose a goal and then frequently act against it because in most cases, we are inconsistent when it comes to differentiating immediate gratification from long-term reward.

Perhaps an integrative approach, utilizing economic terms, is helpful to apply to human behavior. This would involve the use of a metric or multiple decision tools which force us to ask questions about our purchases related to their purpose, use, personal benefit, and collective costs.  People tend to lean more toward an integrative approach when the costs are high, as in the purchase of a house or a car, less so when the costs are lower, for example meal or clothing purchases.

One of the ways this research could be expanded is by examining what processes are involved in making experiential purchases versus material purchases, and whether a metric or tool could be used to delay or control for impulse buying to gratify one’s desire in the present, which often leads to unhappiness.

If we are hard-wired to make judgment errors when purchasing things and not experiences, perhaps, through a process of conscious decision-making, we can learn to literally rewire our brains on a more direct path toward true happiness.

By Sterling Hawkins, MSW, LICSW, LCSW-C

Learning is a form, a growth. At the least, it involves examining areas of strength and areas of weakness. And at most, it involves change: a total reconstruction of ideas and a reorganization of what we practice and how we live. Good learning always begins by asking: What do I know?

We should each be asking ourselves several question: What are my strengths and weaknesses? What have I learned from my mistakes and failures? What ideas and practices have I derived benefit from? And, who has been helpful and supportive in my learning? These questions and others should help us to build confidence, which is essential to developing the motivation that will move us closer to our goals.

I have learned over the years that learning of any kind is most successful when it includes:

• real or simulated learning;

• reflective observation (What happened? What went right? What could be improved?);

• and abstract conceptualization (Finding explanations for what happened and why? Proposing ideas about what can be done differently).

Over the past several months I’ve asked myself these questions more pointedly. This is what I have learned:     

1. What’s no longer working for you?

I have come to accept that I no longer have the same mental tolerance and physical endurance to simultaneously work on several projects that I did twenty years ago. Instead I now settle for one or maybe two tasks, where my productivity can be more measured and more focused. I now have an increased sense of satisfaction when the project is completed. This approach enables me to rest more. When I take on too many responsibilities, I’m more easily distracted and often my diet and sleep patterns suffer.

If being healthy is important to you, it can be frustrating if too many tasks or your busy schedule leaves little time for rest or a proper diet. Building time within your routine for relaxation, nutritious meals, and a good night’s sleep will enable you to perform at your best.

2.     What is your vision for your future?

During my 20s and early 30s, I was an avid cyclist. I enjoyed recreational riding and even commuting from my home to and from campus as a graduate student. However, over the years riding lost its special place in my life, as life became over-crowded with other things important and mundane. I missed this activity in my life. So, this year I decided to change that by joining a cycling group that schedules rides throughout my community most weekends. I also began using a set of stationary rollers that allow me to train and prepare for when the season is in full swing. My goal is to complete 5-6 group rides and perhaps one or two sponsored fundraisers by the end of the year, and to improve my cardiovascular health and physical stamina.

Having a vision for your life is good mental hygiene. Create a vision board on paper or on your computer with words and pictures that represent your core values and your most important roles. Look at your vision board often to stay focused on what you aspire to accomplish, and who you want to become.

3. Who is your role model?

This was the most challenging question for me to answer. While there are many people I admire and learn from, it takes time and a connection for true mentorship to happen. Finding a role model and mentor for myself is still a work in progress, not for lack of possible mentors, but for a lack of initiative and creativity to seek out those who can contribute to my lifelong learning in meaningful ways.

I personally serve both as a supervisor and mentor to other social work colleagues and graduate students new to the profession in my community and at the agency where I work. I enjoy this role as a teacher/mentor because it allows me to meet with them regularly and to share my experiences and information, which will help them become licensed clinicians ready for independent practice.

Mentees also teach me their perspectives on various topics as I help them to study. This relationship grows by establishing good and appropriate boundaries with respect to time, the material we discuss, and how to appropriately examine and assess their own learning expectations. Through this, they practice healthy boundaries for themselves, their colleagues, and the clients they serve.

Identifying our vulnerabilities, as well as our strengths, can lead us to make improvements in certain areas of our life, which should in the end yield a high degree of contentment. Our environments including people, can either help or hinder our learning process, which affects how we think about ourselves and how we behave. Learning is an intellectually, emotionally, socially, and physically demanding job. The healthier and more confident you are, the better you can learn. Educators have known this for centuries, but it remains a lesson that we learn, as well over and over again. Each day however offers new opportunities for growth as we experience new challenges and navigate old pathways.

By Sterling Hawkins, MSW, LICSW, LCSW-C

Are most of your days governed by checking social media? Does your day begin with recent news posts, Twitter feeds, Facebook notifications, or Snapchat?

The average person has five social media accounts and spends two hours on it every day. We are learning the negative impact of social media on mental health.

If you notice that you are:

• Becoming more anxious or insecure with the volume, access, and control of information available

• Repeatedly checking in, emailing or virtually connecting to others

• Avoiding in-person contact with a preference for texting or emailing

It’s time to do some personal reflection to determine whether your social media presence and engagement is the best utilization of your time.

Last April I read a New York Times article titled “You’re too Busy, You need a Shultz Hour.” The author David Leonhardt described how former Secretary of State George Shultz in the 1980s liked to carve out one hour each week for quiet reflection: “Otherwise he would be pulled into moment to moment tactical issues, never able to focus on larger questions of National Security.” If Schultz required an hour each week in the 80s, long before social media existed, how much more time each week do we need for quiet reflection today?

Perhaps one remedy to the frenetic lives we’ve grown to accept involves seeing a choice. The choice to slow down and carve out more undistracted time. No phone calls, no email, no Twitter, no Facebook, mobile alerts, or podcasts. Fill that time with something meaningful, relaxing, or rewarding. Do something physical or spend time with a loved one.

Daniel J. Levitin, author of Organized Mind: Thinking Straight in the Age of Information Overload notes that: “Every status update you read on Facebook, every tweet, or text message you get from a friend is competing with resources in your brain.” He says that if we want to be more productive and have more energy that we should go online at designated times. Otherwise we are constantly interrupted.

I have become more aware of the negative impact of social media in my own life. I am slowly taking steps to limit the clamor. I am reclaiming an uncomplicated and undistracted solitude that is becoming quite rare in a world where new technologies override old forms of communication.

What are you doing to limit the negative impact of social media on your life? If you find yourself unable to put down the phone, log off your computer or turn off your television, perhaps it’s time to do so.

By Sterling Hawkins, MSW, LICSW, LCSW-C

Years ago, written correspondence occurred only with pen and paper. Then came the typewriter, followed by simple mainframe computers, which were replaced with personal computers and most recently surpassed by smart phones and software packages that require installations, updates, and operating systems that “talk to one another.” We now have Androids, iPhones, and other wireless forms of communication, all tools for the goal of simplifying our lives. However, when we examine current technologies, our desire for simplicity comes at a great psychological and emotional cost: People are now taking longer to make up their minds about choices that were once settled quickly and decisively. To a large degree our indecision can be blamed on our bewildering array of choices, along with the multitude of products and services that both entice and confuse us. We can waiver about everything. I asked myself why?

To some extent, I believe this indecision reflects uncertainty about one’s self and about what one needs. The tech Industry promotes that personal computers, mobile devices and the digital platforms available are now essential for fluid communication . They promise that personal technology will move us forward, increasing our confidence and certainty with respect to “choice” in what to eat, what to wear, what to buy. On the contrary, many developing technologies have only brought more choices, more data, and more anxiety.

As humans we often resist painful choices, and the psychological costs are that we defer decisions on what to think, and how to act. When we have more choices available to us, there are more opportunities for us to regret our decisions, particularly when we are not satisfied with the outcome.

Dr. Barry Schwartz, professor of Psychology at Swarthmore College, suggests that “One way to tackle the choice program is to become comfortable with the idea- ‘good enough.’”

This concept examines the question of personal values and beliefs. Am I making this choice because of what my peers think or the cultural zeitgeist is telling me to ? Is this what I want? Are my decisions reflecting my personal beliefs and values? Do existing social and cultural norms support the independent choices I am making? And, are these choices “good enough” for what I want to accomplish? To achieve a high level of satisfaction with this approach requires that persons caught in the choice dilemma examine and determine what they value in life, what they love, who they love, and what will leave a lasting impact on what they need, as well as the things they can leave behind. So if you find yourself wrestling with ambivalence and decision paralysis, how can you learn to skillfully make decisions more effectively?

In his book the Power of Less, Leo Babauta provides us with some questions we should ask ourselves about how to determine what is personally vital and what is non-essential:

• What are your values? Values are simply knowing what things are most important to you. Think about the things that really matter to you, the qualities you want to have, the principles you want to live your life by. Once you’ve identified these values, everything you do and choose should follow from those.

• What do you love? Think about what you love, whom you love to spend time with, and what you love to do.

• Eliminate the non-essentials. Sometimes it is useful to work backward, if you’re having trouble figuring out the essentials. If you have a list of things to do, for example, start by crossing off the non-essential items. Once you eliminate the non-essential stuff, you are left with the essential things on the list.

  _________________________

  Tugend, A. (2010) Too many choices: A problem that can paralyze. New York Times . Retrieved on 24 January 2019. Available at https:// www.nytimes.com/2010/02/27/your-money/27shortcuts.html

Knowing what you value, love, and need and reminding yourself of these things on a regular basis will allow you to make choices that reflect what is truly important to you. Decisions will then become easier, and as they do, the more likely you are to hold true to those choices and to find effective ways to work through challenges.