Market Economics: Empathy
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"What happens to another, whether it be a joy or a sorrow, happens to you.” —Meister Eckhart
By Sterling M. Hawkins, MSW, LCSW-C, LICSW
In 2023, I wrote a four-part series on several essential qualities and skills for navigating interpersonal relationships titled “Market Economics”. My focus was on marriage and long-term partnerships, based on my years of working with couples. I used economic concepts to frame the following emotional qualities (Patience, Gratitude, Intuition, and Teachable) to explain how our worldviews are more than metaphors that shape our thoughts.
Recently, I stumbled upon an article that I had saved around the same time I wrote the series. I had saved it then to read later. That time is now. After reading the article, I had a serendipitous moment. It occurred to me that while each of the four emotional qualities is important, empathy is indispensable for any meaningful relationship to thrive and often functions independently apart from love. For example, in a dysfunctional relationship, a partner can have a deep, sustained emotional attachment, which is “love,” but be unable to empathize or exercise the ability to understand or share their partner’s feelings.
Mental health practitioners often use reflective listening to engage clients and/or couples in meaningful dialogue. I use it in building rapport with clients, but rarely in group settings. It first became apparent to me in 2024, after I attended a four-day workshop in July for facilitators working with psychoeducational groups, where I learned how to conduct an Empathy Circle. The concept of the empathy circle is to cultivate deep listening and mutual understanding by creating a safe space where participants feel fully heard, seen, and validated. It aims to shift communication away from polarization by providing a safe space to express emotions and process personal issues, even when viewpoints conflict. American psychologist Carl Rogers, PhD (1902-1987), popularized the concept by developing a therapeutic approach he labeled client-centered (or person-centered) therapy, which focuses on empathy, genuineness, and unconditional positive regard to facilitate personal growth and self-actualization.
The practice of empathy circles grew out of this approach and is a relatively new concept that emerged in 2008, when Edwin Rutsch founded The Center for Building a Culture of Empathy. Rutsch applied deep listening and mutual understanding to the types of social relationships that often create conflict in groups, where the metaphors we use to structure our worldview influence our emotions and our understanding of “moral politics”. In a moment, I will give a case example of this concept using economic terms, as I did in my 2023 essays.
Initiating an empathy circle requires a facilitator and participants to take turns sharing and receiving back what was said. The focus is on making the speaker feel fully heard ("empathy out loud"), ensuring understanding, not just agreement. Participants take turns speaking and listening for allotted time periods, until each person has had the opportunity to do both. The key to its effectiveness is that the person doing the active listening must, when finished, repeat back to the speaker what they heard. At the end of the listener’s feedback, the speaker decides if they have been heard accurately. If they believe so, they inform the listener by stating that they feel fully heard and understood. If the listener’s response fails to accurately convey to the speaker what was stated, the speaker may briefly clarify for the listener what was said and have the listener repeat it back.
During that 2024 workshop, participants were allowed to give and receive feedback and to comment on its effect, namely, to enhance similarities over differences in worldviews that tend to divide rather than promote mutual understanding. Since their inception, empathy circles have been used to bridge political divides, build community, and promote a more empathetic culture. They are used by diverse groups —corporate teams, community mediators, activist organizations, and support groups—to foster deep listening and enhance emotional connection.
The poem titled “Human Family” (1990) by Maya Angelou (1928-2014) describes the core goal of the empathy circle. The poem compares and contrasts the author’s experiences traveling the world, noting the obvious differences within the human family, and, at the end, draws a conclusion that frames her observations and closes the poem in a tripartite succession: “We are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike.” The premise is a plea for harmony, arguing that differences in skin tone or cultural background do not outweigh the fundamental similarities that bind humanity together.
The concept of the empathy circle helped me better understand and frame my own observations about marriage and long-term partnerships. The article that follows has helped me identify the fifth emotional quality that bridges the other four (Patience, Gratitude, Intuition, and Teachable) qualities together—Empathy. I will provide a brief outline of the article and share my observations.
The article titled “What to Do When Your Spouse Lacks Empathy” by author John Daum, attempts to answer the following three questions within the context of marriage:
[1] What is Empathy?
[2] Why is Empathy Important? And,
[3] How Do We Navigate the Absence of Empathy?
I will now unpack how the author answers each of these three questions for readers, along with his suggestions for building empathy, and summarize his conclusions.
What is Empathy?
Daum begins with the belief that empathy is a skill that can be developed. He describes a common phenomenon that can be seen in varying degrees among all couples. He writes, “You want your spouse to be fully present and with you in your feelings, thoughts, and situations in life.” You’ve opened up to them, but your partner seems unable or uninterested in responding empathetically. (Daum, 2022)
A definition we can agree on should sound something like this: Empathy is the ability to understand, share, and resonate with another person's feelings and perspectives. It involves stepping outside your own biases to view the world from another's perspective, fostering trust and connection. Daum then goes even further because the above definition can be confusing. He borrows from social work researcher Brene Brown, PhD, who describes two types of empathy:
1. Cognitive Empathy is sometimes called perspective-taking or mentalizing. It is the ability to recognize and understand another’s emotions. “Your best friend told a bunch of people something you confided in them! It’s completely understandable to feel betrayed. I get you.”
2. Affective Empathy is often called experience-sharing. It is one person’s emotional attunement with another’s experience. “Your best friend told a bunch of people something you confided in them! I feel that sting of betrayal. I feel you.” (Brown, 2021, as cited in Daum, 2022)
Why is Empathy Important?
Daum writes: “Your spouse is the one person you hope will get you and feel you. Why? So they can be there for you. (in whatever way you need them to be).” Daum (2022)
Sincerity is often best expressed in simplicity. Phrases like “I am with you”. “You are not alone” embodies what it means to be empathetic. The language of empathy, according to Daum, “should lead your spouse to put self aside, be present for your story, and absorb it. They understand, believe, and validate it, and you... they don’t judge, criticize, or dismiss it and you. (And they definitely don’t make it about them.) Empathy is the catalyst to respond with appropriate, compassionate actions.” (Daum, 2022)
The actions associated with empathy involve knowing how to respond rather than react. And how to pause, reframe, and rephrase. Let’s take a closer look.
How Do We Navigate the Absence of Empathy?
Respond vs. React:
Duam suggests that the best way to help a spouse who lacks empathy is to fine-tune your own communication, being clear and direct about what you need. He says that we must invite them into our story and frame the conversation by saying something like this, “At the moment, I’m not looking for you to judge me, give me advice, or share your opinion. I need to feel heard and understood.” (Daum, 2022)
Pause, Reframe, Rephrase:
“Empathetic conversations can lead to tangible, actionable things for a caring spouse.” (Daum, 2022) You can set measurable goals around the following “I” statements:
Understand how I feel and care about my feelings.
Listen to what I’m thinking and consider my thoughts.
Hear me and care. I need to know that I have your full attention.
Support me and be my partner in this situation.
Understand this part of me I’m trying to share with you.
Understand how important this is to me. (Daum, 2022)
I would now like to revisit the couple (Len and Liz), whom I introduced to readers in my essay titled “Market Economics - Intuition” (Aug 2023). I’m using this fictional account to illustrate how the absence of empathy can do emotional harm in committed relationships.
A Case Example:
When we first met Len and Liz in 2023, they had been married for four years. They've now been together for seven. They have two children. A son aged three and a one-year-old daughter. The problems that initially prompted the couple to seek therapy remain- conflicts related to finances, poor communication, anxiety, resentment, and a lack of intimacy. Beneath each of these concerns lies the inability to be seen and to feel heard.
Preschool-aged children have added several layers of responsibility to their relationship, straining Len and Liz’s communication and requiring mutual agreement on how to navigate shared responsibilities affecting their children.
Both Len and Liz are employed full-time. Len's schedule is not always the same. In some months, his shift rotates, and he works nights. While the couple has historically been unable to agree on financial matters, they did agree on childcare and are generally satisfied with the care their children receive.
The “time” variable is inescapable. Before becoming a parent, Len was free to work late or go to the gym. Liz also benefited from spending time with her friends on weekends. Both enjoyed being less concerned about managing time because they were independent adults making choices primarily about how to schedule their leisure time around work. While Len and Liz would still do things together as a couple, they operated with fewer constraints.
When their first child was born, Len's younger sister lived a short commute from her brother and sister-in-law. Len's sister would often babysit for the couple. However, by the time their second child was born, Len's sister had relocated out of state, and the couple was forced to find a more permanent child-care arrangement. Problems involving accountability and time management only grew worse. Conflict and competition became a constant source of resentment, leading to a “zero-sum mentality” in which each believed a win-win was no longer possible. Under such conditions, for one partner to benefit by gaining more time, the other partner must lose or surrender their time at an equal or greater value. Negotiation and trade-offs for the collective (family) good often result in a lack of empathy for the partner who experiences a deficit in their ability to use personal time as they would prefer. In therapy, family-of-origin issues come up for this couple. Len recalls how his mother would leave him to care for his younger sister. He knew his mom had to work long hours due to his father's chronic unemployment and the financial burden it placed on the three of them after his father left the family and his mother filed for divorce. That was years ago, but Len still feels a twinge of displeasure whenever Liz deviates from their schedule for discretionary fundraisers, concerts, sporting events, and other leisure activities.
Len acknowledged in therapy his own insecurities about becoming a father and how that impacts his involvement with his children. Liz, on the other hand, felt ready for motherhood but was unprepared to balance the challenges of being a full-time mom with her full-time job. The couple considered hiring a nanny. But in the end, realized that it would be as expensive as, if not more expensive than, the childcare they already have in place.
Liz, too, becomes irritated when she loses time and feels the “leisure tax” of the time she fails to get back from Len for exceeding his time allotment. Weekends with friends, going out for lunch, and shopping on Amazon are all desirable for Liz. Similarly, Len enjoys playing golf on some Saturdays during the summer months and going camping several weekends each year in the Fall. But the frequency and costs associated with these activities have been scaled back. To further complicate things, Liz would like to relocate outside of the city, where they can purchase a home, get out of the apartment, and have more room for the kids. Len has been hesitant to consider such a move. “It’s a seller’s market... “ he complains to Liz. Len has been unwilling to sit down with a financial planner to see how they could work toward purchasing a home.
Parenting preschool children requires both Len and Liz to make sacrifices due to the lack of support from their extended families. Both, at times, accuse the other of lacking empathy. However, Liz lays the greater claim to resentment at Len's unempathetic response to the challenges she argues entitle her to an equal amount of scheduled personal time. Len admits to avoiding some of the issues that lead to their conflicts, as indicated by his statements during therapy sessions. However, he engages in cognitive empathy rather than affective empathy, which requires him to respond positively to what he has heard Liz say.
During the session, Liz demonstrates that she can exercise both cognitive and affective empathy. But because of Len's lack of initiative to spend time with the children, Liz uses Len's failures to justify her indiscriminate spending.
Therapeutic Considerations
The Daum article emphasizes that building empathy is a skill that requires time. Daum admits that some people are not naturally inclined to recognize others' feelings and that these relationships involve hard choices. In short, each partner must resist attempts to "fix" the other.
None of the methods for navigating the absence of empathy is guaranteed, but for the therapist working with this couple, it's helpful to reinforce the couple's need to work through their own emotions stemming from Genetics, Socialization, or Childhood trauma that limit their inability to empathize with their partner. The therapist should support each partner's efforts while also addressing resistance, as it manifests differently in each partner. Each partner must own their own stuff. Therapeutic approaches should aim to support and encourage growth where it is languishing. (Daum, 2022)
To apply this to our Case Example, Len and Liz must model "out loud" and perform empathy work where they both can see it. For example:
Modeling empathy for your spouse
Len could begin by asking Liz how she felt when he decided to work late and didn't call to let her know.
Liz could describe how she felt when Len failed to call, letting her know he planned to work late. Because she was hoping to run an errand before dinner.
Len might tell Liz how he felt as a young adolescent, unable to participate in extracurricular and after-school activities because he had to look out for his sister, since their mom had to work.
Liz could describe to Len her sense of being unable to secure her parents' affection and affirmation growing up, that as a young girl, her emotional needs shifted from people to things, and how she longs for validation from Len in her efforts to be a good mother and loving wife.
When partners practice talking about their emotions with each other, they are modeling what they need from each other. They are communicating in ways that help them be seen and feel heard.
One of the easiest ways I've found for couples to begin modeling is to use "I" Statements to frame discussions around your feelings rather than your partner’s, which can reduce defensiveness. For example, "I feel alone when. . ."
Another way couples can reduce emotional dependence is to engage in hobbies, work, and friendships that bring them joy and a sense of validation independently of their spouse. This, when not overdone, can be surprisingly effective.
Tools to facilitate positive communication
The article also points out that, because building empathy is a skill, it is helpful to have the appropriate tools to aid partners in improving their comfort level. There are scores of books, games, apps, and websites with "get to know” questions and conversation starters. Daum writes— “This can be a helpful practice for discussing your interior lives. Make it a "Judgment Free Zone” and a safe sharing space. (Daum, 2022)
Final thoughts
Living with a spouse who isn't empathetic can be draining and demanding. Because your spouse lacks empathy, they might be critical, cruel, or unforgiving. They may react with anger when they feel like you are being too ‘sensitive’. They could be oblivious to how their behavior affects you or be unresponsive to your needs. Unfortunately, this might be your reality. It's one thing to be patient with the change process and to support your spouse’s growth. It's quite another to be hurting all the time and in over your head. (Daum, 2022)
In addition to seeking professional help, as we witnessed with Len and Liz, it may be helpful to find validation from within and from other supportive people in your life. Understanding that you cannot allow your self-worth to be tied up solely in your partner's ability to empathize with you. Turning to trusted friends can be beneficial for sharing your thoughts and feelings. (Daum, 2022)
"Many couples have successfully maintained their marriage, knowing that their spouse may have many positive traits, but being empathetic is not one of them. You can set boundaries with your spouse and still have your need for empathy met in other healthy ways... Fine-tune what empathy looks like in your relationships... Dig deeper into understanding and believing in each other. Recognize and appreciate any progress toward more empathy— it's a process that will bring you closer together in the end." (Daum, 2022)
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References
Daum, J. (2022, April 5). What to do when your spouse lacks empathy. First Things First. https://firstthings.org/spouse-lacks-empathy/