Caring For Yourself When Caring for Others
Photo By Rod Long
By Sterling M. Hawkins, MSW, LCSW-C, LICSW
When you’re young, you don’t know what your needs are. You receive the good and the bad of whatever people, parents, siblings, spouses, and friends give to you. As we grow and mature, so does our understanding of what our needs truly are. And, at times how dependent we are for having those needs met. Through experience and by discipline most work to avoid being at the mercy of others who perhaps express similar needs. They are familiar but strangers all the same and represent an anomaly in ways we don’t want to be treated. When a parent or guardian cares for you based on how they were cared for at a similar age, in some instances the care may have been perceived as good. In other instances, deplorable, unsafe, or physically and emotionally harmful. Subtle at first and over time some needs become more pronounced in older adulthood. Who will care for me when I am no longer able to care for myself? And, what will be required of me when others call upon me for help? We will ask ourselves one or both questions at some point and discover what it means to be a giver or recipient of care.
Caregiving is defined as providing care for the physical and emotional needs of a family member or a friend in their own home. Caregiving may involve assisting with meals, personal care, transportation, helping with medical procedures, and therapy. As this definition implies, these activities are usually performed by a family member. However, in addition to family caregivers, there are also volunteer caregivers, who are usually unpaid and provide companionship, supervision, and assistance with routine and non-medical tasks to individuals in service to their community. And, finally, there are professional caregivers. These are individuals who are hired to provide care that may be medical or non-medical in assisting others to live as independently as possible. Professional caregivers can be hired privately but are usually employed by assisted living or skilled nursing facilities. One in five Americans (21%) identify themself as a family caregiver. 23% of Americans say caregiving has made their own health worse. And finally, Family caregiving spans all generations, including Boomers, Gen-X, Gen-Z, Millennials, and Silent.
Caregiving is essential to our emotional and physical wellbeing, and while we often consider only services provided by individual caregivers, other entities such as state and local governments, private and philanthropic organizations usually support the family caregiver, enabling them to perform tasks for those who depend on them for certain activities to be met.
We each come to caregiving with different expectations and responsibilities. For some, it is a job or duty. Others choose to serve in this role. While each caregiving experience is uniquely personal it is a journey that most will travel during our lifetime.
There are many facets of caregiving. And the literature is replete with information to help guide caregivers as they define their roles and responsibilities, and the intersection of the individual, family, and community systems. Numerous studies have been conducted on the social and emotional burden placed on caregivers, but few offer strategies on how practically to cope by meeting the spiritual needs of family caregivers.
In the book, titled “Caring for the Spirit of the Family Caregiver- Forty Days of Reflections to Strengthen and Encourage” by Dr. Rev. Beryl Dennis, (Covenant Books Inc., 2020), she examines the role of self-care through a first-person lens, as she gives readers a glimpse of her own story as a caregiver for her parents and how her own faith and practices allowed her to find patience and encouragement associated with that role.
Dr. Dennis offers the reader a Judeo-Christian approach to caregiving. However, I believe the problems, principles, and practices are also applicable to non-faith traditions. I recently reviewed this book and believe it is a good resource for those who identify themselves as a family caregiver.
The material presented is based on her research investigating biblical models of care that help sustain family caregivers spiritually and emotionally. She speaks to a large audience: Identified family caregivers, those who are associated directly with a family caregiver (other family members, neighbors, friends), and finally community groups who engage with the family member receiving care in collaboration with the caregiver.
The findings from her research revealed that what matters most when addressing the needs of family caregivers is those effective interventions begin with an assessment of a caregiver’s risks, needs, strengths, and preferences. As a qualitative study, Dr. Dennis completed her research by conducting interviews to answer the question-- “What do family caregivers need to give them spiritual and emotional sustenance?”
To create a tool useful for caregivers, resources are presented in a 40 Day Devotional guide. Dennis emphasizes that the roles and responsibilities associated with caregiving often create a “wilderness” effect for the caregiver. The forty days is more symbolic than literal and represents a “journey we grow closer to God in strength, courage, and faith.”
Each devotion is organized into five categories: Scripture Text, Biblical Models, Theological Reflections, Family Caregiver Insights, and Prayers. Scripture Texts first identify a caregiving need or problem. Second, Biblical Models are identified to highlight relatable characters in Scripture. Third, are the implications that follow from the place and/or circumstances where these characters find themselves. These serve as Theological Reflections. Fourth, Family Caregiver Insights examine the practical insights for learning. And lastly, Prayer becomes a personal petition, a psalm, or a lament to God.
The devotionals are divided into topical sections that address common problems associated with caregiving, people written about in Scripture to learn from, and promises God gives to those who believe in divine help. Principles consistent with humanitarian values and practices address needs that are important for engaging in any difficult and sustainable work. Having been a caregiver myself at various times throughout my life, I can attest to the value of addressing my own spiritual needs in the process.
I like that the book can be used as both a daily devotional and as a reference for aspects of the caregiving experience. The prayers are short and simple expressions to God that are written in common everyday language. What I enjoy most about this book is the way Dennis blends her own experiences with those experiences of the persons she interviewed. The caregiver's insights are personal yet concise. Insights center on the adult child as a caregiver for an aged parent. As this is most common. The result is a seamless guide that enables caregivers to become stronger and spiritually grounded in their identified role.
In summary, caregiving requires an investment of the self. This investment is multifaceted and the spiritual component of who we are as caregivers is often ignored. At times the concern for making a safe and comfortable living environment for the person receiving care creates stress, anxiety, isolation anger, resentment, helplessness, and grief in our own life. These stressors are sometimes invisible, and at their core are inseparable from our spiritual needs. Addressing the spiritual needs of the caregiver is foundational to the health (physical, psychological, and social) of the caregiver. In my own education with family caregivers, I explain that the attention they give themselves can have a positive impact on the person receiving care and the quality of life they experience.
Andrea Wilburn in her recent article titled “Caring for Aging Loved Ones,” best describes this experience. “We are all going through life events for the first time, figuring things out. Learning how to love in an intelligent connected manner… we need to look out for each other and encourage each other. These are conversations that we should be having in an openly social affirmative manner.”
My challenge to caregivers is that you need to explore those resources that will best equip you to care for that someone who is depending on you and to identify and develop those spiritual practices that will renew your spirit.
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References
AARP and National Alliance for Caregiving. Caregiving in the United States 2020. Washington, DC: AARP. May 2020. https://doi.org/10.26419/ppi.00103.001
Wilburn, A. [2022] Caring for Aging Loved Ones. The Good Men Project, Retrieved on 12 July 2022. Available at https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/caring-for-aging-loved-ones-kpkn/